Why do people have affairs?

[definiteissues]

What is it that makes people decide it is "OK" to sleep with someone else's boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband?

I know someone who, in all other ways I thought was a good person. But she had an affair with a married man. You can't be a good person if you do that surely?

Or can you still be a good person but make bad choices?

What is it that makes somebody who says "no I'd never have an affair with someone else's partner" change their mind and do something like that?

Is it low self esteem? Power? Knowing it can't go anywhere? (Although on that last one, some people do it and try to convince the other person to leave their partner, so it can't be due to that in those cases)

Just saw a thread on here which started me thinking about it and got me wondering again.

As much as I agree that what they are doing is very wrong and don't condone it, the person who is having sex or a relationship with someone else's partner isn't having an affair, the partner is. The blame should be towards the partner as the person who made the promise to commit to one and broke that promise.

I'm sure that there are a minority of people who have affairs motivated by 'bad' reasons (eg. arrogance, entitlement, misogyny, selfishness) but I would imagine that the majority find themselves having an affair for the same reason you embark on any relationship, eg because you have fallen for the other person and your feelings for them overshadow the risks involved

Surely you must know people who are in second marriages where the first marriage ended due to an affair? - do you really believe ALL these men/women are 'bad people'?

I think that both parties bear some responsibility, although it is the married man in her situation is most in the wrong.

Good people do bad things sometimes.

There are always two sides to the situation. I know someone who was being abused by her husband and had an affair because she was looking for closeness. I kind of understood this, as with people in a realtionship where they are together for the kids and they hate each other.
There is no right or wrong answer, however, i dont get it when people just shag around just because, and there is alot of that, arrogance and disrespect of others.

Really depends upon what you mean by affair.

Do you mean a long term relationship with another person who is married whilst you are married with neither of you intending to leave their spouse?

Or a long term relationship with someone who is married but you are not and he/she doesn't intend to leave their spouse?

Or even you/they are married and meet someone else who you quickly leave your marriage for?

There are just so many different scenarios with different motivational factors.

It was 2-3 years. She was single (whenever she wasn't single any more she stopped sleeping with him, then went back whenever she was single again)
He was married and, from what she said, it was just sex.
He never intended to leave his wife and she didn't want him to either. I did ask once "so do you think he will leave her" and she seemed absolutely horrified by the idea.

Writing it like that, loneliness maybe sounds like the motivation in that case?

I wouldn't judge her too harshly

Assuming it is all in the past now and all parties have moved on then nothing to be gained by over analysis of her motives now

I imagine it was one of those situations where once she had slept with him once it was all too easy to keep going going back for more despite her knowing deep down that she should walk away

Simple as developing feelings and being selfish enough not to think of the consequences. Don't assume your friend doesn't feel guilty if she's otherwise a nice person.

Writing it like that, loneliness maybe sounds like the motivation in that case?

More like sex was the motivation. Especially if she didn't want him full time. They obviously had a strong chemistry.

I don't think there are "good" people and "bad" people. People do good and bad things. People are tempted. People make bad choices. People believe what they want to believe (e.g. "my wife and I are separated but still live together". Some people don't give a shit about anyone but themselves but I do believe they're the minority. I also think that people tend not to think " right, I want to have an affair." and go looking. They tend to develop out of friendships.

Is it possible to ask the question, "Why does a husband want to have two women in his life?"
Or "Why does a man choose to abuse/deceive his wife?"
If he treats his wife like this, the next woman can only expect to be treated the same. No one forces anyone to stay in a relationship, they don't want to be in.

its not black and white . affairs happen for all sorts of reasons, I would not go so far as to say there are good reasons and bad reasons but some reasons can be due to exceptional circumstances...ok think about this: the single person makes an outright play for a married person , knowing they are married with kids...they have an affair...the singelton pressurises the married to leave and set up home with them ...they are good or bad people ? the singleton deliberately went after someone married ...seems pretty selfish ...yes ?
how about the a married person's spouse has a non terminal but completely life changing disease and is now in a permanently vegative state and cannot communicate or have any kind of relationship ....and the well spouse seeks out an affair via online dating ? selfish ? or lonely ? or understandably missing sex ?
Now in the scenario above they meet and have an affair with someone and find that they fall for them, they like their company, they attach emotionally, they chat about their days, they support each other, they become each others best friends...understandable...but what if that scenario occurred without the ill spouse....say someone felt unsupported, unloved, unhappy, and didn't actually like their spouse any more and had tried to make it work and it wasn't....they meet someone and have an affair ? selfish ? bad?

the point is , affairs are not the answer but life isnt made up of a serious of yes / no questions with a right and wrong choice.

I have never quite understood the excessive vitriol aimed at OW. It is the person who is being unfaithful who is to blame/guilty.

ahhh...silver i can answer that one...it is two fold, firstly women have this slightly odd sense we are a female collective , a sisterhood if you like and if someone breaks that and dares do something which might inflict pain on another of the 'sisters' well that means they must be evil/bad selfish ...they have broken the rules of 'the sisterhood' which are all females must support all females ....

secondly the wife of the cheating male, if she takes him back she has to justify it , because this again breaks the sacred sisterhood rules...which we all know are LTB....so to save face and to try to make herself feel better she paints the OW as the evil, predatory woman who 'stole' her poor helpless defenseless hubby ...the poor man stood no chance against the wiles and wicked ways of the scarlett woman. After all who wants to face up to the fact their husband might have chosen to go after a woman who wasn't you...much harder to forgive if he was the instigator of the affair .

sadly society and history/literature plays up this role...the scarlett A on on an adulterous woman's dress....not on the man you notice, songs about affairs always paint it so the poor man cant help homself...bryan adams run to you is a case in point ( i hate that song).

There's a lot of truth in that post Jelly.

There's also that sinister view, that men cannot hep themselves control their sexual desires once they are inflamed with passion. Which is also sometimes used by rape apologists to victim blame women for leading a man on by dressing inappropriately.

Can I just throw one out there and please don't shoot the messenger. Men and women are very different and men have affairs for different reasons to women. Jellybean has touched on it by saying that women stick together, basically because they need to for support and to a certain extent that is the way they see relationships. Most men in my opinion, have affairs for the sheer excitement of being intimate with a new partner, I think it's in built so they can spread their genes further and wider.

I had an affair when I was 20 and he was 33 (married with small children). I was single and totally fell for him, I was lonely and he was the only person I saw outside of university. I loved him deeply but I had reservations about him leaving his wife to start a life with me (mainly because then his children may hate me and maybe turn against him, which is a lot of pressure to have on a new relationship, but also because he is a workaholic and I knew his work would always come first). He would never have left his wife and children anyway. Anyway I got my fingers burnt and learnt my lesson about choosing better partners, but the question is, why do women go for such inappropriate men? (Whether these are married/abusive/workaholic etc) Sometimes these are not decisions made consciously or rationally.

There are as many reasons people have affairs as there are affairs. Impossible to generalise. But I would draw a distinction between the behaviour of the person in the marriage (who is always making a conscious decision to betray their spouse) from the behaviour of the affair partner. Not to say the affair partner is off the hook, far from it. But quite often the affair partner will not realise that the other person is married or in a LTR until they have fallen in love and it then becomes more complicated.

I think maleperspective is right in that a large number of men have affairs out of boredom, thrill-seeking or a feeling of being trapped in their marriages. Women who have affairs may do this but imo they are more likely to do so because they are seeking an escape from an undesirable marriage (abusive for example) and don't feel they have the resources or strength to leave.

BTW I am the product of a long-term affair that ultimately turned into a long and very happy marriage. A lot of damage was done along the way and I'm not seeking to justify or excuse it because in a large majority of cases it doesn't work out that way. But it is also true that some affairs do lead to successful relationships.

From bitter experience when young/green/clueless of married men on the make...

Ego boost (insecure, needs constant flattery of 'getting' other women)
Thrill junkie, needs/gets off on thrill of chase
Marriage is well & truly tits up but not tackling it and having affair 'easier'

There was some research done as to why men cheat, they found that:

The majority of men survey wanted to feel flattered. They wanted someone to compliment them and often had an affair with a work colleague.

83% of the men claimed that the ow was less attractive than their wife.

You can absolutely be a good person who makes bad choices. The reason is usually down to low self-esteem - you need that ego boost, you need to hear that you're still desirable, and that need overrides everybody else's feelings. Everything else goes out of the window. That was certainly the case with my first H - he was a good man who made a bad choice.