Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depressed boyfriend. WWYD?

5 replies

Boopear · 04/09/2015 20:05

After being single for years, about 4 months ago, at the grand old age of 47, after lots of dire dating, I finally met this great bloke (OLD). The connection was very quick, on both sides and all parts of the relationship seemed great. After about 2 months, we had a sort of exclusivity talk, but as he is a serial monogamist (18 yr relationship (with the mother of his kids), then a 5 yr one) he just presumed that we were together for the foreseeable and that was that. All was good so I was pretty happy with that myself.

Now for the BUT (clue in subject)...I last saw him 4 weeks ago. When he told me that he was going into a depressive episode. He has had one attack before about a year ago and by his account it was pretty severe, lasting a couple of months. He seemed glad to talk about it, I felt like I helped a lot by just listening, but he did say that it effectively stops him from wanting to talk to anyone.

What's now happened is that communication has basically trickled down to a once a week text (from daily texting). I am being supportive (as much as I can by text - I really don't want to ring as it feels far too intrusive - I have done this a few times and he never answers anyway) -saying I hope he is okay, that I am happy for him to talk to me, that I care about him etc. But it is a bit like talking to a brick wall - no reply, no anything, unless I ask a direct question about various plans and then I get a very formal (and negative) reply.

Now, I can understand this completely. I have friends with depression, I have read up on it and my issue isn't with the depression itself, it is to do with what to actually do now... We have only been together 4 months, which really isn't long enough to put down proper foundations of a relationship. I like him a lot, but how long do I keep being supportive with no real response? My sensible head tells me to just leave it - it is a horrible disease, he is likely to be out of action for months, I'm really not his priority and, tbh, I have my own child to consider but, OTOH, he is a great bloke, I care about him a lot/want to be supportive and, tbh, there aren't that many great blokes around at my age. I don't want to wake up in ten years time and regret not making more effort. As it says in the title - WWYD..? Many thanks for any advice and congrats for making it this far!

OP posts:
MegBusset · 04/09/2015 20:09

I think that four months in, it shouldn't be any effort at all. And i would listen to your sensible head. sorry Flowers

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 04/09/2015 20:15

I think I would suggest a break for now.

Tell him you care for him greatly but feel you can't support him through this at such an early stage of your relationship. It's probably better for him to not have the pressure of you sat on the other end of the phone waiting for contact. And it's not going to do a lot of good for your own mental health either tbh.

Let him know that you'd very much welcome some contact from him once he felt better and you'd be interested in seeing how you both felt down the line (if you would welcome it of course)

I get what you're saying about regretting not making an effort but what else can you do? this isn't really your 'effort' to make as you can't fix him. Being in this limbo for however long could mean you miss the chance of finding someone else or focusing on yourself etc

Boopear · 04/09/2015 20:26

Thank you both very much for reading that epic and your replies.

Charlie I think you have it and thanks so much. I'm such a relationship novice (yes, at 47..) and I was stuck between 'sod it then, I'm off' and just hanging on the end of the phone waiting. Your break suggestion is great. That makes so much sense and makes me feel loads better about what to do. Thanks loads.

OP posts:
Blodss · 04/09/2015 20:36

Sorry, actions speak a lot louder than words. He doesn't seem interested in this relationship any more . If he was you would be in no doubt as to how much he wanted to spend time with you.

Rockaria · 04/09/2015 20:55

I just left (well, 3 months ago) a relationship with guy who had on going MH/depression issues. It started off so well, he was so attentive & wonderful. As time went on he started being really down & saying he was slipping back into depression. It was awful & it hurt me so much that I was trying my best to help him but just could not get through. I had 2 dc of my own & in the end I called time because he was draining the life out of me, my MH was suffering & I didn't want it to affect my dc. I miss him so much, but I know I did the right thing. You've got to let the professionals take over & look after yourself.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page