Breaking point

[Fedupcow]

NC as I don't want to be known as that whinger.
Backstory: 3 teenage DCs, from 14-18, one very Narc mother (I don't need any 'you only have one mother, treasure her' crap). And trying to organise my wedding.

DC1, moody, recently dumped so double moody, doesn't know what to do in life so drifts. Door slammer.
DC2, very intelligent, musically gifted. Had issues early this year with self harm. Sat me down last night and told me that they are still cutting, their school work has stopped, no interest in the one subject they love and has been smoking weed. Quite a few times. Friends of theirs do it a lot and DC2 worries about mental illness to themselves because of it.
DC3, Asd. Lasted a day and a half into this new school year before all hell broke loose and he started a fight. Lied to me about it. Lies a lot.

I don't want DM at my wedding, she's a snob, she'd look down on DPs family and bitch in private to me about them or my siblings about all of us. It's a tiny wedding so I had the excuse that there is no room at the registrars, emailed her this and have heard nothing. Probably sulking.

I had three hours sleep tonight, four hours last night. Every night is pretty much the same.

I'm exhausted. I'm fed up with being 'in charge', I'm fed up of being a mother - don't hate me for that please. I didn't want children and definitely not three - XH was a twat, has no interest in DCs. Called me a bitch and a cunt to their faces on the four days he sees them every year. After that incident they're not going back. So yeah, it's been a pretty full on week.

I'm getting ratty or teary virtually all the time.

Any advice? Other than alcohol!

The DCs know I love them so please don't think I wave the 'I didn't want you' card in their faces.

So let's address the sleep. Why aren't you getting more than that? Is it stress-related (which would make sense) or are you trying to do too much?

I completely know what you mean about being fed up with being 'in charge', but at least you haven't got XH hanging around making things more difficult, and presumably your DP pulls his weight or you wouldn't be considering marrying him?

Organising a wedding is very stressful, even a relatively small one. Can you ask friends for help? Or postpone it?

Sounds like DC1 needs to get a job, are they still in education? DC2 - did they get mental health support when they were self-harming before? If not, off to the GP to start that process. DC3 - presumably the school are aware of the diagnosis and have a plan in place?

I know it's not what you want to hear but booze is not the answer. It will interrupt your sleep - absolutely the last thing you need - and bring your mood down. Tackle your sleep first, and you will feel stronger to deal with everything else.

Big sympathies - you have an awful lot on your plate. Any of us would struggle with that.

How do your teenagers feel about your DP and your impending marriage?

My OH and I have a number of teenagers between us (we don't live together yet), and there are times when they show they are happy for us that we have found each other, and then there are times when a couple of them show anxiety about the future (and presumably their place in it). It's tough when it happens but all completely understandable.

And yes, you need to sleep better. I am useless when I don't get enough sleep. I have naps some days when I can, to recharge. It's a very good investment of time.

It does sound tough I hope your DP is helping.

Thanks so much! I was joking about alcohol by the way, tempting though it is.
DC1 is still in education. When DC2 first had issues both me and DP talked to him a lot, he really looks up to DP and would hate to feel he's let DP down. We thought this had been tackled and every other week I'd check in with him about how he was feeling and whether he'd hurt himself again. I'm going to make an appointment at the GP for him asap. As for DC3, he has a statement and a plan has been put into place of TAs and not much else. The school has just been put into special measures by Ofsted and they seem more concerned about making the place look nice than helping pupils. The school also had a special assembly for DC2's year putting even more pressure on them to make the school pass the next assessment. He was told point blank that the schools success is down to their year only (yr 11).
The wedding is almost sorted, it's just this one 'guest' that worries me, hard when it's your DM.

As for sleep? No idea, I'm awake at 2/3/4am on. I think it's stress, my GP gave me sleeping tablets the last time (6 months ago) and they really helped but GPs don't like handing them out. I doubt I'd get another perscription so easily. I've spent the last month buying Melatonin from France, magnesium spray and whatever OTC meds I can find to help - I DON'T take them all at once! If I sleep through then it's a really light sleep or I feel like I have a hangover the next day.

The DCs have known DP for five years and they adore him, he's been more of a dad to them than XH. And they've told DP this without me knowing.
So no worries there! And they're excited about the wedding too. Well all the above counts from DC1 and 2, DC3 has little interest in anything other than computers or Lego.

Okay, so the wedding sounds manageable, you've told your mum not to come so there will be some fallout from that but the idea is to have that fallout not spoil your wedding day, so hopefully you can get that over with shortly.

DC1 just sounds like a typical teenager, but fortunately at the upper age range of where such behaviour has to be tolerated.

DC2 sounds like they could use some support from your DP as well (not that he isn't but maybe let him take the lead on that one given you have DC3 to sort out as well).

DC3 - I think that the school now being in special measures may be a good thing, doesn't that mean quite a lot of extra support gets parachuted in? I would make sure Ofsted know that DC2's year were effectively told it was their fault the school was in special measures - how the hell are the pupils meant to 'make' the school pass the next assessment? Of course they have a role to play by being positive and well behaved, but I'm not sure how they're meant to turn the quality of the teaching around If there's any chance DC2's self-harm could be related to this, I would be getting them some information about what special measures actually mean. Sounds like the school has some major management problems.

If you're waking incredibly early, can you get to bed really early too? I think it might be worth asking your GP for another short dose - he/she may say no, and recommend you try exercise and good diet first instead, but even a very short course of, say, three or four nights' worth would help immeasurably.