How can I build my relationship with ds1?

[Flip]

I've posted on other threads about my problems with ds1. The Sibling thread and I also started one about "is he naughty or is something else wrong" .

His behaviour is getting increasingly worse and it seems to be me he has a problem with. My mum got on the phone this morning yelling at me and telling me that I need to spend more time consentrating on him. Three times last week and yesterday he pooed in his pants at school. He runs off, he's attacked other children and he shouts and swears at his swimming instructor (wish me luck for tonight ).

There is a lot going on at the moment but I try and sort most of it during the day when he's at school. Like this morning for example -

• took dh to train station
• called at McDonalds to pick up some things for a charity function
• phoned school to tell ds1's teacher about a problem yesterday
• took ds1 to school
• called doctors to make appointment for ds2
• phoned mortgage company to myther them to complete
• phoned the architect to ask if the plans had been submitted
• phoned insurance company about washer
• got yelled at by my mum
• school nurse phoned for a chat about ds1's problems

Things are busy but I do everything during the day so I'm not on the phone all night when ds1 get's home.

I'm rambling now. It's just things are so difficult with ds1 and with my mum yelling at me and telling me I'm not trying it really hurts. I've mythered the GP over and over and finally she's reffered him. I've been in to school to talk about his problems several times. I'm working with the school nurse.

It's just really getting me down. Sorry.

It's easy for people to make judgements about your parenting skills when they don't deal with the situation every day. My mother is still convinced that my ds1 is absolutely fine and that I just need to make sure he socialises/sleeps/talks more. Apparently he's not autistic, it's just my parenting skills.

Your mother may mean well but she's putting extra pressure on you that you really don't need right now. Could you lessen your contact with her a little? By that I mean if she phones and starts yelling at you say, "Sorry, I've got to go. I need to see to ds1" and end the call.

It sounds as though you're doing everything humanly possible to help your son. You have no reason to feel guilty about anything.

Flip it sounds to me like you are doing every thing possible to sort things out. It seems a bit unfair of your mom to have a go at you as you have had a lot on you rplate, whsat with ds2 being poorly too. Could your mom not help you out instead of having a go ??
I would definatly make sure the school nurse understands how difficult things are and hopefully she can help push your refferal through. How long have they said you will have to wait ???
The only other thing i can think of, is for you and ds1 to spend some time alone together, which is hard when there is so much to do, i know. TBH though i'm not sure how much difference that would make, as i'm not sure thats what the problem is anyway IYKWIM.

Just remember that you are doing everything you can already and invite anyone who thinks otherwise to come and visit for a day, maybe then they'll change their mind.

It seems to be you are doing everything you can.
Have you tried a few simple phrases with your mum? Ie "I am doing my best and I feel very unsupported by you"
Or
"I find it hurtful when you criticise me like this'
Or
"I don't want to talk to you when you shout at me"
Or
"I have a GP referral for him so lets see what the professionals have to say"
Or just screening your calls for a while or putting the phone down when she shouts at you. I don't think you have to put up with this sort of behaviour from your mum. It's out of order IMO.

Thank's everyone. Sorry I've been out of touch. The GP's made me take ds2 to the hospital to be looked at because of his breathing problems. So I've been there all afternoon.

I didn't manage to get to school to pick ds1 up so my dad took him to my mums. When she started trying to talk to me in front of ds1 I cut her down and said now wasn't the time. Also I was so frazzled after being at the hospital for several hours.

I'm sorry I can't type anymore... I'm to upset. I'll finish later.

There was another mum not so long ago who'd had bad PND with first child - a boy I think - and felt she was constantly pushing him away. There was lots of good positive advice on that thread and it made a big difference to her and her boy but I can't remember her name - can anybody else? I think it would be really useful for Flip, both in terms of the advice and seeing a way through.

Hi Flip, just read your thread I know how upsetting it is when family have ago about parenting skills but word of advice try to take it as a pinch of salt otherwise this can really get you down. I know I've had this conversation with my inlaws who think they always know best and they think they are the perfect parents. But my own mum has said I don't know how you cope at times. Flip, You are doing a fine job and remember that you have taken on board the problems and are trying to look for solutions- so hey, not such a bad parent are you? Once you start getting help with ds1 and getting answers you will feel so much better- I know I did.
I would also change the subject if things get heated about ds with your family- this does seem to work. hope you are feeling better larsxx

Oh Flip, i can't really think of anything more helpful to say to you. Is there anyway you could hire some help, even if it was just for a few hours a week.
I hate to think of you being so unhappy.
Have they sorted out your Ds2's health probs yet ?? I only ask cos it seems like you have to keep running off to the hospital and yet they haven't really told you whats wrong with him. All of which can't be helping.
I apologise if you've explained elswhere and i've missed it.

Thanks.

My mum called earlier and I told her I was changing ds2's nappy so I couldn't talk. I haven't phoned her back though.

Nutcracker - no one is really sure what's wrong with ds2. He get's very breathless and starts coughing until he's sick and then he goes bright red which is replaced by blue when he calms down. They think it might be asthma but can't say for sure until he's older. They diagnosed bronchilitis last time and took another nasal swab today. But his immune system is a little bit off as well. If anything upsets his body like immunisations or a fever he get's a non blanching rash. So it's never ending.

I've got so much going on at the moment and because of the stress I find I'm having to stop myself from shouting at ds1.

He's just had his siwmming lesson and only got in for the last ten minutes afer shouting the odds with the instructor for twenty. Then the little bugger swam the length of the pool on his front and his back. It's not that he can't swim, he just want's everything to be on his terms.

Oh flip, DS1 sounds full of energy to me, Ive got one like that too. It's hard when you feel stressed not to shout your only human afterall. larsxx

I really do sympathise about your ds2. I battled for 10mths to get asthma diagonsed in my dd2 and i thought i was going to go mad. Have they actually seen him have an attack ?? If not, you could video him. A bit extreme and not nice but thats what i was going to do to show them i wasn't imagining it.

RE your ds1 i think you are doing a brilliant job. I know you've said you are struggling not to shout at him, but that is hardly surprising given everything thats going on.
Like i said before i really struggle to have a good relationship with my Dd1 as we just seem to rub each other up the wrong way, so i do have an idea of how you feel.
How about taking a look at what you do in a week and then take out any things that aren't essential or that someone else could really do. You seem to have so much on your plate right now and i know you've said your dp is supportive but is there anyone else that can help you out ??
I'd come and help you if i lived anywhere near

sorry if didn't mention ds2, I didn't mean to ignore the health problems you are facing.
Like Nutcracker said perhaps video the attacks. Also can you get a private diagnosis or second opinion? You do have alot on your plate so a night out with a friend may help you recharge your batteries - just a thought! larsxx

Thanks for the offer Nutcracker. It's a shame we live so far apart, I have a sandpit you could have for your new house.

I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow's a new day and hopefully a better one. But I've still got plenty on my list of things to do tomorrow.