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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How honest should I be with my friend?

24 replies

ladygoingGaga · 02/09/2015 21:31

Best friend of a number of years has been single for a while now after leaving an EA husband.

She has had several blokes chasing her, she is a lovely person, has a house and a good job. The blokes all have one thing in common, middle aged and married or good as.

I have tried really hard to make her see how lovely she is, but she can't see it, has a low opinion of herself.

So fast forward to last few weeks, she has been withdrawn and quiet, I knew something was wrong, but couldn't get to the bottom of it, until today.

She looks exhausted and tells me that she has been seeing a colleague from work, he has 3 kids and still lives with mother of last 2.
He is a nightmare, think of every red flag you can think of - he has it.

He has declared his undying love for her after a week or so, is pressing her into moving into her house with her.

I can see how vulnerable she is at the moment, and what a complete tosser he is, question is, how honest should I be with her?

I don't want to lose my best friend

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2015 21:33

Be brutally honest. Spell it out. Go through all the consequences etc. Nobody else will do it - it's your job as her good friend. And when she takes no notice, don't leave her side.

Robotgirl · 02/09/2015 21:39

What Imperial said ^^^
Really hope she listens to you.

Original poster

ladygoingGaga · 02/09/2015 21:45

I hoped you would say that, not sure I could keep my trap shut if I'm honest.

I am actually angry for her, what to confront him and tell him what a joke he is.

She never told me as she knew I would not approve, trouble is if she chooses him I really can't see myself talking to him, inviting him round or even being civil to him.
I would always be there for her though.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2015 21:47

Ask her to come on here and ask for some advice. The number of women on here who were promised all sorts by this sort of bloke might scare her. The number of wives who've been married to this sort of twat might scare her, too.

ImperialBlether · 02/09/2015 21:50

Her best case scenario (at the moment) is that he tells two small children that he's leaving them. Forget the wife/partner for now. Tell her to picture that - picture their faces as he tells them he's going. Then picture them coming to visit him and not wanting to see her.

He may be the man of her dreams, but the time isn't right. Surely she can't want to hurt children to achieve her dream?

WalfordEast · 02/09/2015 21:50

Your not best friends unless you are brutually honest with each other. Your not even good friends unless you are. I understand you not wanting to hurt your friend- but you need to tell her your concerns. Whether she takes it on board is it up to her, all you can do is be there and support her decision and prop her up when it goes to shit- which it will if hes a tosser.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/09/2015 22:00

No doubt she'll claim he's a true gent underneath the fuckwittery.

If she is sufficiently taken in by his glib tongue to let him move him in with her, she'll find her life won't be her own and he'll drain her dry one way or another.

There's also the question of the impact on her reputation at work. Their colleagues are unlikely to be unaware of their liaison and it's inevitably the case that she'll be painted as the temptress who tore him away from his dw/dp and dc and, if he is married, she may find herself named as an adulteress co-respondent in his dw's petition to divorce.

Confront away - she needs it spelt out in no uncertain terms otherwise her self-esteem is going to take an even lower dive when it all goes pearshaped as, of course, it will.

You mentioned her EA marriage. Has she done the Freedom Programme? Perhaps you could sit with her as she does it? www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

newnamesamegame · 02/09/2015 22:05

Agree that you need to be brutally honest. She will thank you for it in the long run.

I would batten down the hatches in the short term though, she may not be grateful immediately.

AnyFucker · 02/09/2015 22:09

Be honest.

antimatter · 02/09/2015 22:18

be honest, apart from other things she may lose her job!

Original poster

ladygoingGaga · 02/09/2015 22:22

I will be honest, I am guessing she has pulled away recently because she knew I would Be worried about her.
I am hoping she told me because she knows I will give her strength and sensible advice.

I so wish she could see how bloody amazing she is, she seems to be going from one fuckwit to another at the moment, all of them have given her grief, in different ways, she is so emotionally worn down and exhausted she does not know she she is anymore.

I like the idea of telling her to look at it from kids point of view, thanks for that imperial

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 03/09/2015 05:35

Yes, get her to come here!

When I separated from my exh, I became a magnet for married men. I'm always amazed that women with low self esteem fall for this shit. If you feel that bad about yourself, how can you also believe that you're worth abandoning a wife and children for?

I found that I was just filled with contempt for the men.

She needs to forget about being with men for a while and get herself sorted out.

Heckler · 03/09/2015 05:42

What AF said (again)

Skiptonlass · 03/09/2015 07:14

Brutally honest.

I have a friend like this. Great looking, smart... And an asshole magnet. We had a fair few huffy rows over the fact that I never liked any of her boyfriends.

After she finally saw the light and married a decent one, she conceded I was right ;)

Hope your friend kicks this twat to the kerb. I second others advice to get her on here.

Scoobydoo8 · 03/09/2015 07:24

Do people take it on board even if it's a best friend?

I would try to get her to speak to a counselor - Maybe even Relate, but she sounds like she needs more than just advice. And coming from an 'expert' of some sort she might be more likely to believe it - and possibly sort out her self esteem issues into the bargain.

She sounds a nice person, maybe pointing out the upset and sadness she'll cause the DCs by taking on this bloke might make her stall letting him move in.

fastdaytears · 03/09/2015 07:32

ThisFolk
When I separated from my exh, I became a magnet for married men. I'm always amazed that women with low self esteem fall for this shit. If you feel that bad about yourself, how can you also believe that you're worth abandoning a wife and children for?

Surely it's less about actually believing it and more about desperately wanting to believe it?

Joysmum · 03/09/2015 08:18

Most of us choose our friends well and our friends in normal circumstances would not choose to be the other woman.

As much as you need to be honest with her, I think you need to do so in times of 'this isn't you, I know you're struggling because you're not the sort of person who would do this to a family or yourself'. She needs to be given an in to talk without being judged hard for me to say as its fucking disgusting

Original poster

ladygoingGaga · 03/09/2015 21:43

One relieved OP tonight after taking your advice I was brutally honest.

It has been an emotional and exhausting day but she can see it now. Helped her construct a suitable message that made it clear that it is over.

I know messages are the wimps way out but a phone call or face to face would have ended in disaster.

He is now messaging her constantly, but she is staying strong so far.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 03/09/2015 21:47

Well done Gaga. Tell your friend to delete and block his number and do something special with her.

Well done to her as well.

KurlyWurly88 · 04/09/2015 00:50

Please be kind to her! Say how concerned you are about her, and show you care. I would also ask how she sees the future of the relationship - how will it look in a couple of years?

goddessofsmallthings · 04/09/2015 03:10

As she'll be seeing him at work it's probable you'll need to do a considerable amount of reinforcing to keep her resolve strong. Have you got any plans to go out and about with her over the weekend?

Baconyum · 04/09/2015 05:07

Tell her you're really proud of and pleased for her. Freedom programme or assertiveness training a great idea. And yes she needs to block his ass and telll him if he keeps harassing her she'll drop him in it at work and home! Dick!

Original poster

ladygoingGaga · 04/09/2015 07:01

She is working this weekend unfortunately, but I have suggested a night out and plan on a girls weekend at some point.

I have suggested blocking his number, she won't at the moment, for whatever reason.

She was sending me the texts last night he was sending her, she nearly buckled but didn't reply.
He is throwing everything at her right now, bastard.

OP posts:

sleepyelectricsheep · 04/09/2015 07:05

You are a great friend. She will need your support even more now so she doesn't cave under his pressure, but I expect you know that.

I wish my friends had been as frank with me when I started seeing my abusive ex.

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