Why am I never happy?

[MelonCaulia]

With DP for 9 years, 2 DD's (6 and 2) but not happy. We have tried to rearrange all the external things to make me happy but I am still unhappy. What is wrong with me? I had PND with DD1 and spent 4 years in a new town while DP was consumed by his job which he eventually left. He took a year off and then got a job 90 miles away meaning I was on my own but coped because DD was older. Then I fell pregnant with 2nd DD and we moved back to my home town. This was positive and I have made loads of friends but DP still had the long distance job for another 2 years meaning I had to cope with a then 4 year old and a new born on my own. After 2 years he got a job closer to home and is now home earlier but he had to take a pay cut and feels like he had compromised his career. I am made to feel like I should be grateful that he has done this even though he only usually says it during an argument.

The sad thing is that I am not happy, it feels like too little, too late. This is not an isolated thing. He does not make me feel special, my last birthday present was a pot plant. There is no sex, him preferring his computer and a couple of beers. I have had to push for everything, him getting a job closer to home, putting my name on the mortgage, agreeing to marry me, creating a will. I feel like he gets by on doing just enough to keep me here. I have quite low self esteem and up until now have gone along with it but I am really beginning to see that I am worth more than this. He is a good man and takes care of us financially but there is no real care for me. I am told I should be grateful by other people that I am lucky that he takes the kids off me for the day but I can't help thinking that these are things he should be doing, they are his children after all.

Am I just ungrateful?

What do you do for him? Sounds like he is is doing his best to please you, what about you making the effort to please him?

Some men aren't good at mind reading. May be send him an email or write him a letter if communication is hard saying what you'd like him to do to you to make things more special and ask what you can do to him to add some sparkle in your lives?

If he is a good man, changed jobs, helps out, bought you a birthday present (even a pot plant!) but you don't feel special then I think you can both work on that one to improve things.

May be do some volunteering, get a part time job, get a pet, take up a hobby... make a special effort for him, may be a meal with candles or offer a massage.

I don't think you can put all the blame on your dh for your feelings of unhappiness, I think you need to think positively and see what you can do to change the situation and may be seek counselling or your gp's help if your low mood persists as you could be depressed and not realise it? It certainly is worth getting yourself checked out first op, good luck!

OP, does your DP do anything around the house to help out? Or does he just come home and veg out for the rest of the day? How would he react if you said you wanted to get a part-time job?

A pot plant for your birthday present. That's crap!

Doesn't sound like your husband cherishes you. I'd be unhappy with that too.

Interesting how the responses are so polarised!

It does sound as though he has donefair bit over the years to try and make you happy with all his job changing.

The present and computer situation sound a little bit like he's feeling as worn down by the situation as you are. You might have some other valid reasons for feeling down, but it is hard if you feel like you're doing everything you can and it's still not good enough.

Have you talked to him about this?

Why is there no sex? What was your relationship like before you had dc? What would make you feel loved?

He's taking practical measures to try to make you feel more secure but it seems what's missing is the day to day closeness, love respect and friendship that good relationships have. That's why you can't be happy.

I couldn't be happy with no sex (shows a lack of connection) and a pot plant.

I think having done the practical things to try the set your relationship straight it's now time to nurture your relationship with each other.

Not ungrateful just unhappy!
Sounds like you don't feel cherished. I don't have advice just wanted to tell you it's ok to feel that way and you should probably talk to your oh and see if it's something you can sort out together

I agree with Joysmum. All the eternal stuff can be fixed, but it doesn't change the interior of your relationship.

Would you consider counselling? Or do you feel like the relationship has simply reached its natural end? You don't mention in your post anything about loving your DP. Or even liking him.

It appears there is lots of resentment festering over the job choices/locations and moves. Combined with that was your isolation and the fact you were raising two babies.

Don't forget your dh was also enduring these things too. He may have preferred to stay in his home town but if only he was working, career & money are very relevant to family life.

At some point you both agreed to have these children and on the moves.

I think you have picked up a lot of the slack regarding childcare, housework whilst in your eyes you see him boosting his career. I can't relate entirely to what you say but believe me your children will benefit from his career in lots of ways.

I wonder if you can go back to work yourself?

I can relate!

OP " I have had to push for everything, him getting a job closer to home, putting my name on the mortgage, agreeing to marry me, creating a will."

I feel like the answer is in there. Are either of you happy or did you just both sleep walk into the life society expected of you?

PS that's not a criticism btw - just an observation. I do find that people follow the expected path, then wake up and realise they're not happy and it's time for a change. If this is both of you then you may need to talk it over - or even go for an amicable split.

You are unhappy because you are unloved.

His actions speak of not loving you.

You seem not to love him either.

He can take care of you financially with you living separately.

Is that imaginable to you?

I hate men like this, happy to make babies then complain when they have to go out and earn a wage to keep the family, blame the wife etc. he sounds bloody awful OP, I would not be happy with his attitude, it's almost like he thinks he's doing you a favour, it all sounds practical but there's no emotional stuff there, you need that, we all do.

Don't know what kind of people telling you that you are lucky, they must be in shit relationships too, yes they are his kids, yes it's his responsibility, not just yours and he's not that great a man, we all have to go to work, he seems to think he's something special, he's not.

I would say that you should try to make yourself happy and not rely on DP or anyone else to do it.

Being a sahm, which is what it sounds that you do, or doing a not very rewarding job is not much fun.

Perhaps you need some counseling to sort this out but perhaps just have a serious think about what YOU want to do, what would you do in an ideal scenario ie no responsibilities - run a marathon, become a fashion designer, start your own company??? Give it some serious thought and use some of those finances to achieve what you want - pay for childcare, get that make over, do what it takes. Stop worrying about what you SHOULD do or about being grateful to DP, just concentrate on yourself.

Once you are happy and busy have a rethink about your marriage (if you've time )

PS I wasted years expecting DH to make me happy, perhaps because my parents' marriage wasn't great and I didn't know what a good marriage was. Is that the case for you OP. I now realize it's up to me.