Bedroom Problems (long one, sorry!) Please help

[PollyPlumber1991]

I'll try to keep this as short as I can but I think it's going to be a long one...

I have been with my SO for almost six years and generally things have been really good. We hardly argue and really seem to get each other. We've always had a great sex life- up until about December last year. Around then things started to fizzle out and by July this year I could count on one hand the amount of times we had been intimate. The love was still there but the passion was gone.

In all this time I never plucked up the courage to talk to him about it but instead assumed that it was all because of me. I've recently put on quite a bit of weight and have lost a lot of confidence because of it.

Eventually however, I got so upset one night when he basically rejected me in bed (again) that I had to ask him what was wrong. He assured me that it was not me, that he still found me attractive but that he was not working down below. I was confused because I didnt understand how he could know that when he rejected all my advances and hadnt tried anything with me in such a long time. However, he eventually went to see a psychologist who told him it was all probably due to work related stress.

Since then, I have not wanted to pressure him and have been too worried to try anything in bed. However I'm really frustrated because he won't talk to me about any of it, I think because he is too ashamed. So I don't know what to do. We've since been intimate twice, which at first led me to believe that things were getting back to normal but now I feel like things are going back down hill. We barely seem to touch anymore and I'm too worried I'll upset him if I try anything and he's not ready.

I'm trying to be supportive but I'm starting to really struggle, I feel like we are not doing anything to fix the situation. so I'm wondering if anyone else has faced a similar problem and can offer any advice

A difficult one.
Firstly, it could be health related as certain ailments can cause erectile dysfunction, so perhaps you could encourage him to get a check up (because you are worried about his health, not to 'fix him').
Secondly, it could be psychological due to stress, anxiety, or any other factors (it's inclined to be self perpetuating too), so maybe a psychologist or counselling might help.
Thirdly - and I don't like to say this but still - it could be a sign of a relationship problem - he perhaps doesn't want to be intimate. This might be because of your weight gain (bit shallow, but you never know), because he just isn't happy with you, or because he is 'checking out' as Mumsnetters so delicately put it.

There's no easy way to tackle this - gentle encouragement to communicate because you are worried about him might be the way.
Good luck.

What 'LovesPeace' said really. I think it is down to communication now. Hopefully you can talk it through.

You're able to pinpoint the start of the problem to last December; is it possible he's getting satisfaction elsewhere? Sorry if that's out of order.

Polly - One thing you can try is to take penetrative sex off the menu for a month, but do everything else besides that. There's something to be said for a) taking the pressure off with very clear boundaries and b) the potential for building up a sense of anticipation and a charge, in large part because sex is off the menu.

Try it, and see what happens. But try to be disciplined about following through for a month. That doesn't mean no sexual contact during that time - that would be counterproductive. Play, indulge in as much 'foreplay' activity as you want, be curious, try new things if you feel like it. No penetration. And your partner's arousal, or lack of it, is immaterial too. Just go with what feels good.

[I'm a sex coach, and work with quite a few people addressing just this issue. Not everything works for everyone, but this is an approach I would give a try.]

Are you sure he went to see a psychologist, or did he just tell you he had to keep you quiet? I would have thought a GP might be a more appropriate first step.

I think the elephant in the room is that it could be to do with the weight gain. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

However, he eventually went to see a psychologist who told him it was all probably due to work related stress.

This just doesn't sound right. So the GP referred him to a psychologist without running any physical tests? In my (admittedly limited) experience in this area, the first port of call would usually be blood tests for hormone function and diabetes, a chat about general health and activity levels (since problems such as back pain can often lead to ED) - a psych referral would be quite far down the line.

Here are the NICE guidelines for ED.
cks.nice.org.uk/erectile-dysfunction#!scenario