An effed-up cycle of behaviour in our marriage

[AGapInTheMarket]

Background: married for 3 years, together for 5. Our darling 2yo DD is having some health problems and will need surgery soon so stress levels are high, some financial woes, house is in negative equity, tension re: my interfering mother... All is not rosy! DH is a good and kind man, if a bit of a procrastinator around the house, he works full time in "a demanding job" and I work part time in an "undemanding job" and do most of the shit-work which I am a bit bitter about but can't really see any way to make major changes to the situation. DD is not able to be in nursery due to her health and DH is unable to cut back his work hours.
Tonight, my husband created a row over NOTHING. Here's how it happened. I came in around 6pm and he asked how my day was, etc. I answered that I was fine, but I possibly MIGHT have come across as a little preoccupied, a little quiet after a long day, etc, but said that I was FINE and WAS actually and absolutely FINE. Note that I am not in the habit of concealing my feelings and doing the passive-aggressive "fine" stuff that I sometimes see women accused of. If I'm not fine, I say so.
I went in the kitchen and finished the dinner, which he'd started, after a while he came and drooped in the doorway, then started asking me what was wrong with me, was I mad at him, I seemed upset about something. I told him I was feeling a bit tired and a bit sad about some of DD's test results that we got back today (had already had a big chat on the phone with him about that from the office - the results were expected but mean she will need more surgery soon). I expected him to then get on with helping me get the dinner on and feeding DD etc, instead he stood in the kitchen with a tragic look on his face until I asked him if HE was okay. His reply was that he was just concerned about ME and that he felt like I was blaming him for something. I repeated that I was fine but he picked and picked at me until I lost my temper and told him that I wasn't prepared to play-act in my own home and to pretend cheerfulness after a long and stressful day so that his precious feelings wouldn't be hurt! (I'm not proud of this little outburst, but I really felt provoked. He must have asked me what was wrong at least 15 times while I was busy getting the dinner.) He stormed off into the bedroom and stayed there pouting on the bed with the door open. I fed DD but then went in and told him he'd better get DD in the bath and to bed as I was going out! I was so cross that he had engineered an argument and then sulked about it, but then also used his sulking as an opportunity to opt out of taking care of DD. He phoned straight away and I told him I'd be home in an hour. I went round to a friend's place and had a quick wine + whine (no specifics) and went home. He'd put DD to bed and was contrite, taking full responsibility for the "picking" behaviour, which he has often told me his father did to him growing up. The really tragic thing is we've been here before. He is very good at placating me, saying what he thinks I need to hear (he's right!) I forgive him, we make it up, but then NOTHING changes. It'll be a month or two and the circumstances will be different but we'll have the same argument cycle again because although he owns up to his dumb emotional fuck-wittery, he keeps doing it! Does this stupid pattern occur in anyone else's marriages?? Is there any hope? What should I do? Tonight I told him I didn't want to repeat this pattern and did he have any solutions, his answer was that he was just going "to be better" and he was glad he had me to support him. I told him I wasn't supporting him to keep repeating the stupid cycle of whatever-this-is and he'd better do some serious thinking. Because who supports ME?? I guess I'm doing some serious thinking too.

How about next time he does it say "you're doing that thing again" and actually call him out on it. He might not like it, but it will probably ring an internal alarm somewhere.

Or when he is hounding you just walk away from him and ignore it (it's a form of attention seeking I'm sure). When he sees no response I'm sure this will also have an impact.

Have you lost respect for him? Xx

I think I HAVE lost respect for him, a little. It's because he recognises but doesn't change his upsetting behaviour. It's happened in other aspects of our life together too. But I worry that I'm blaming and controlling him! Am I??

I suggest that every time he starts "his dumb emotional fuck-wittery" you remind him that he's turned into his df and tell him that you won't engage with him any further until he's reverted to being your dh.

I also suggest that you spell out to him the precise ways in which you want/hope to be supported by him through what is understandably a stressful time for you both.

Your mantra has to be 'all things must pass' as there will come a time when your current unrosy situation transforms itself into a profusion of glorious blooms full of delightful possibilities.

Wishing your darling dd a speedy recovery from surgery and a return to full health.

I agree with both PPs, point it out to him when he's acting that way.

We have some daft cyclic behaviour here too. So far always prompted by stress, usually work related. When DH starts getting stressed, it builds up, and he'll start making these stupid, surly teenager-esque faces when we're talking and I disagree on something. Then there will be huffiness, and a few snippy comments. This will build up, usually over weeks, or at least several days, with the odd apology or calm discussion in between. Eventually it will either end with an argument when I've had enough and snapped, or he will have engineered some petty little punishment for me, for some perceived slight. (disclaimer, never anything nasty or abusive, just annoyances)

We have spoken about this. He is always very sorry. The issue is that he doesn't realise when he's getting stressed, and he won't confront the problem, so he re-directs his frustration at something else, such as, the fact he's run out of socks. (wash your own, sunshine!) He also won't confront that problem, or try to discuss it with me, so he ends up irrationally resentful and acting like a dick.

He's not introspective enough to just "fix it" or even catch himself when he's doing it. If I try to get out of him what's wrong, it's exhausting, and rarely fixes the problem anyway. So our agreed work around is basically this. If he starts doing it, I ask him once if he's ok, if he carrys on, I calmly and kindly tell him he's being a dick and to go sort himself out.

I love him, and I will support him through stressful work periods any way I can. But I will not be an emotional punch bag. I know he doesn't mean to act that way, it's a difficult habit to break when you don't spot yourself doing it, and you're constantly deflecting from the real issue, but that does not mean I have to put up with shitty treatment. We agree on this! Thankfully, we seem to go longer and longer between cycles, and we're both getting better at communicating rather than snapping or getting surly.

So yes, I suggest you discuss it with him when you're not in a cycle, ask him how he'd like it pointed out when he's doing it, then do that and disengage until he snaps out of it.

But I worry that I'm blaming and controlling him! Am I??

It's not easy to change behaviour that has been inculcated in us since childhood and it could be that he regresses because of the stress he's under.

Your dd's health, the property market, and current working/childcare arrangements, are out of your control and, as that's a scary place to be, it wouldn't be unusual if you are attempting to retain your grip on certainty by 'controlling' him while subconsciously 'blaming' him for your present circumstances.

Search your heart with a view to learning whether you should be kinder towards him and more understanding of why he behaves as he does because he sounds like a good man who is in need of reassurance that when you're preoccupied, or quieter than usual, it doesn't mean you don't love him.

It's tough. I see us a little in this but in reverse. My dh will get stressed and wander around being preoccupied and distracted and short and I ask him what's wrong and he'll say "nothing". I'll then say bollocks no I won't really, i'll say 'really? cause you seem like you're really stressed' and he will then fess up to being mad out of his head with worry about something at work or something else...

I am sympathetic, but really there's nothing to be said, he's a worrier, I can't solve any of his work problems. But then if I am a bit down he's all 'why are you down? there's nothing wrong with you, you should just ignore me' and he really really get that i can't exactly be partying around the house when my husband and the only other adult in the house is really down about something and totally distracted, what does he expect me to do? So then i'm worried about him and he doesn't like that.

So, I guess what i'm asking is - are you sure your worry isn't oozing out of you and affecting the mood in your house? are you sure your dh isn't 'picking' because he can sense your worry but you're not opening up about it? what do you really want him to do?