Rock bottom

[LittleWren17]

Hiya
I've posted before about an emotionally damaging relationship that I've been in for around 16 months....to me 'Ed' is the one that I felt a true connection with, we laughed, shared interests, nights out, nights in. We both have children from previous long term relationships.
However, for the duration, Ed has smothered me in adoration - constant texts, wanting to be with me all the time, plans for the future, wanting to move in with me and my children ( I felt it was too early for my kids for him to move in) - only to break it all off with me every few weeks, be vile and send me nasty texts then block my calls and generally leave me feeling used, worthless and devastated.
I gave my all to him - he works (but has had 6 different jobs since we began) but he is terrible with money, drinks too much, can be nasty etc.
I feel like he barged his way into my life, making me believe everything he said and that he was my soul mate - I've given up a lot to be with him, so when he shuts me off, I'm left feeling like an emotional wreck.

I don't know why I've allowed myself to get in this situation...I'm a responsible, caring mum of 2 with a good job and good friends. But I've let myself down by putting up with this.

Anyway...it seems we are over for good. All because of a minor disagreement two weeks ago. I've always behaved respectfully to him, even when I'm upset, but he has now blocked me on FB, my calls, texts - everything. He ended it over then phone and has refused to see me. I'm finding this hard as after 16 intense months, I would have liked a face to face goodbye or just some respect and consideration.
I got in touch with him last night (my kids were with their dad) and he got his brother to answer who told me that Ed doesn't want to talk to me and to leave me alone. Ed then called me back, saying that he doesn't want to see or hear from me. I said I was worried that he was involved with the wrong people ( friends that are leading him astray), drinking too much and generally choosing the wrong path and I was worried for him. He said that it was his path to choose.....so, although I must respect his decision, how do I cope with my life now? My eyes are raw from crying so much. I feel like I'm nothing to him. Am I right to feel hurt at the way he has treated me? Would other people have expected a more adult, respectful parting after 16 months together?

I also think he will eventually return to his ex - his kids are there, she pays for everything...he would have the easy life...but I know that he would return for those reasons and not heartfelt love for her. It will kill me inside if I learn that they have got back together

Sorry for the long rant...Thanks for any support...I really am in a bad way emotionally...xx

Look love, grab this chance to detach from this man who will do you nothing but harm with both hands and hang on tight.

Concentrate on your kids. They don't need a mum who is obsessing and stressing about some bloke who was bad news from the start. You saw the red flags and you swept them under the carpet in the name of "love"

Put your big girl pants on now and show him, your kids and yourself that you are better than this.

"Would other people have expected a more adult, respectful parting after 16 months together?"

He doesn't sound like he was being adult and respectful in the relationship so it is no surprise that he is not adult and respectful with the end of it. He is being disrespectful because he doesn't respect you.

What he does with the wrong crowd, or being with his ex for an easy life etc, is none of your business, stop caring about him. If he was with you it wouldn't be for love either, it would be because he enjoys the power of you being in love with him.

Thanks both..I know you are right.
I have been a dedicated mum for 11 years , I still am - but Ed was something for me, meeting the needs of the other part of me. I thought he was my soul mate, I believed in real love. That's what I felt and I thought he did too.
How do I stop caring and forget about him? How can I be strong if I see him with his ex? - genuine questions as I have literally fallen apart from this and the emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could tell you all what I've sacrificed to be with him...
I know it sounds pathetic, I'm sorry, but I just don't see a happy future for me now and I don't know how to be happy alone. My kids see a lot of their dad. Hobbies etc don't replace a person....xx

They don't replace a person, you're right. But it's better to be miserable because you are alone than miserable because another person is causing you to be. It's liberating, eventually you see clearly and notice that you are just hating your situation rather than hating yourself. If you stayed with/got back with a man who treated you poorly, you will sure as hell end up hating yourself if you don't already.

And you free yourself up to maybe find someone who does respect you. It may or may not happen. But at least the option us is there if you are single.

I fell for the intense, "I love you and you are my soulmate even though I've met you once" guy when I was 22. I will never ever do so again, I have a feeling most people who take that line are at least a bit manipulative.

Go cold turkey - delete his number, block him, don't contact him. Trying to keep some sort of friendly ties doesn't work. If you see him with his ex, go somewhere else. I tried to disengage from an intense relationship carefully and amicably, it doesn't work. When I finally took the advice from wise people here (including the other person who has responded to your thread), and stopped engaging altogether, I finally stopped feeling like shit. I still have moments of feeling shit, but they are no longer because he is making me. When I feel like shit for my own reasons, it is much, much easier to work with.

You didn't have a happy future with him! If I was your friend telling you this story, what advice would you give me?

One bloke is not your life and not your future.

He sounds like a total emotional vampire. It sounds like he really enjoys the drama. Getting his brother to answer the 'phone and then him calling you back anyway. He's really milking it, isn't he? Yuck.

Be wary of people who are so full on so quickly.

There is definitely only misery with him. He sounds absolutely horrific. He is a bully and an unkind man. He was seeking reasons to fall out with you over minor stuff.

You can't let him pull the rug from under you again. He will do it again and again because you're letting him.

He is bad news and not your soul mate in any sense. No soul mate (if there even is such a thing) would treat their other in this callous way. There is something very wrong with this man.

There really is a happy life waiting for you. No, hobbies don't replace a person but they become part of you, a bigger, more interesting, and interested you. And you meet people through them, not just love interests but friends and networks.

Concentrate on your children too because I bet your mood has been deeply affected by this man.

Chop him out of your life, block and ignore. And take some pleasure in planning happy things for you to do.

Oh god, if he was your future I'd be really sorry for you. Look at what you've told us:

He has a problem holding a job down (six jobs in sixteen months shows he can talk the talk but can't walk the walk)

He's terrible with money

He drinks too much

He can be nasty

He shuts you off

He's blocked you on FB and on the phone

He doesn't respect you enough to end it face to face

He's likely to go back to his ex as she pays for everything

There isn't one thing there that makes him a decent human being. He's awful and has somehow convinced you he's a hero. He's not. Do your kids and yourself a favour and have nothing more to do with him.

I thought he was my soul mate

The hardest part of getting over him will be accepting that you were wrong and I'm guessing that the reason why you formed this opinion was the intensity of his attentions, which may have seemed like manna from heaven after being in the desert of single parenthood without a partner to share the load.

'Soulmate' relationships are not fraught with issues such as you've described that are solely (no pun intended) attributable to a man who, at best, is a commitment phobe and, at worst, enjoys having women in thrall to him and toying with them with no intention of reciprocating their feelings.

A lot of nonsense is talked about soulmates; the fact is that there are any number of souls on this planet with whom we can form a subliminal spirtual, intellectual, or physical link which makes it appear that we have known them before, or that they are the 'one and only' with whom we have always been destined to cross paths.

While we may experience numerous heady thunderbolt moments when our eyes lock with those of a handsome stranger or a guy we know but have never thought of as a potential love interest, the fact is that true love grows and doesn't wither on the vine of making a commitment for life.

If he does go back to his ex it will merely demonstrate that he has used her in the same way he's used you and no doubt he'll continue to play his nasty little games with her emotions.

The saying has it that the quickest way to get over one guy is to get under another and I suggest you give it a whirl because it may disabuse you of the notion that this self-absorbed and somewhat sadistic ego maniac is anything special, and will at least serve to distract you from endlessly obsessing about him.

Thank you all so much. You're supportive comments have helped and backed up my belief that he has big personality issues and is likely to treat other women the same way. He cheated on the mother of his kids twice and left her with debt. Stupidly I thought I was different and "special".
You're descriptions of him are right...and I chose to ignore the bad bits because I was so in love with the good and also at a vulnerable stage in my life. Part of me thought that if I didn't make it work with him then all of my sacrifices were for nothing.
At the moment I could feel any lower...I think it is the build up of this treatment over months whic I forgave because he made me believe he was sorry and in a mess because he missed his children.
I've been to the doctor but they don't take the effects of this seriously x

In short, he's a total dickhead.

He tricked you.

Cry a lot. But don't let him near you again. Also, he could well be riddled with sexually transmitted diseases. He's clearly someone who isn't into monogamy.

Thank your lucky stars you escaped from this horrible horrible man.

I got myself checked at the clinic - all clear , but I know he's had a lot of women in the past. They offered me counselling as they think it was emotionally abuse?!

Sorry to go on, but I can I cope if I learn that he has got back together with his ex??!! I sense that it will happen as if he isn't with me then he will go back to her without a doubt. I really can't handle that...to see him happy and back to normal while I feel destroyed. my marriage had broken down, but it led to me developing feelings for Ed. I can't cope with causing hurt to my husband and family for a man who has kicked me to the kerb so heartlessly

How would you know if he got back with his ex though? Do you have mutual friends, or work together?

Look, people have relationships, they break up, they move on. It's not reasonable for you to be saying it's the end of your world if they get back together. He's not with you, so it's irrelevant whether he's banging Cheryl Cole or sleeping in a ditch.

He's obviously a first-class shit and has done a real number on your head. The on-off thing can do that (which is why douchebags like this use it.) Can you have a look into the Freedom Programme?

So you fell for a dickhead's bullshit. Why would you know if he was back with his ex?

Are you saying that your marriage had broken down but you were still living with your h and dc when you 'developed feelings' for this selfish twat? And would that have happened to coincide with him leaving his wife?

If he reconciles with his ex there'll be nothing you can about it except console yourself with the thought that leopards don't change their spots and he'll be fucking with her head instead of yours.

Thanks all x
We have mutual friends who would no doubt report back to me if they get back together, even though I've told them I don't want to know what he's up to. Also after he finished with me a few months ago, I joined the local health club to treat myself while my kids were with their dad, instead of moping about Ed...Ed has since joined!! So I can't even do that now without the risk of bumping into him. I hope I. An move on soon and put all this behind me. X

So what if you bump into him at the local health club? You don't have to speak to him or use the same equipment.

Tell yourself he means nothing to you and fake it till you make it.

So you walked out on your marriage to be with him and now he's dumped you? Is that what you are saying?

Oh love. Have a look at CODA and see if you can get along to the meetings. I think you'll recognise a lot there.

Bcs you're addicted to this man. You're not his mum re warning him about being in with the wrong crowd. It's not your job to look after him.

As intense as the pain is now (so sorry) once you look at how he wove a web around you (that was fake!) it will help with the recovery.

...Anyway...it seems we are over for good...

Best thing I've heard all evening.

I was in a relationship for 17 yrs from the age of 18. We spent so much time apart and I fell out of love with my husband. Around this time, I met Ed at the sh where he worked. I was flattered and fell for him. I left my marriage before things became physical because I knew it was the decent thing to do.
Ed wanted to marry me, live with me, offered all the things I'd wanted from a loving relationship. But he has trampled over my feelings, used me repeatedly. I forgave him each time he came crawling back because I loved him, I thought that he was in a. Ess emotionally because of our circumstances, but that ultimately, we loved each other. I was wrong.
I wouldn't want to reunite with my husband, but I hate that i let everyone down to be with a manipulative, cruel man.
I think we were both addicted to one another. (He sent me 100 texts in a day once)... He couldn't stand being alone and leaned on me to support him...I suppose that has led to me feeling responsible for him...xx

You bought his bullshit because 'falling in love' was a more acceptable reason for leaving, than falling out of love with your H. You don't want closure, you want an opportunity to change his mind, actions speak louder than words and in this case, his actions have been loud and very clear.

You made this man more than he was or ever could be because he temporarily filled needs not being met by yourself or by your marriage.

Please, please do some work on yourself and figure out what your unfulfilled needs are, before you appear on another dickheads radar.