Hello,
I had a fairly robust thread on here about a year ago, I can't for the life of me remember my login details etc...but the kindness and advice I got was invaluable, and was a big cog in the machine that made me change things. I am thankful to everyone who helped me.
The long story is here
But the short story is I have a terrible history with relationships. I've never really felt like I have had a proper one, except one with an older man who turned out to be quite abusive. I was under the somewhat naive impression that he was still my closest friend even though I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. He kept overstepping boundaries and guilt tripping me. I had plenty of advice here to get rid and not contact him. It took me a long time but I was fed up of trying to please him when it was holding back my own happiness. Eventually he hit the roof when he found out I went on a date and hasn't spoken to me since. I am glad, and no longer have interest in being in contact with him, he clearly doesn't care tgat I am trying to be happy, so he's not a good friend to me. I am quite embarrassed it took me so long to see this, and quite upset that I wasted my 20s with him. Anyway, I don't miss him.
But I really miss having company, and really miss intimacy. Most of my relationships and sex life have been marred by horrible things, so for a long while I stopped caring. I felt I needed time alone and to learn about myself and my needs. I am still working on it, but I feel so much better, less dragged down and a bit less depressed. I have been having counselling for various things for about a year now, and will continue for the foreseeable future, so I am working on my confidence, boundaries, assertiveness and healing old wounds. I feel like I am making slow and steady progress.
However, I am really confused about my feelings on relationships. I am happy to be single - I am independent and can entertain myself. But I have been alone for so long that I am craving attention and intimacy. The problems are there doesn't seem to be anyone who wants the same as me, and even if there are potentials I get so scared that I screw up.
I haven't had sex for over a year, which is the longest ever for me since I was a virgin. It's frustrating. I enjoy sex, but am only interested in someone who wil respect me. I tried online dating for a while and mostly hated it but did chat to one person who seemed nice. Eventually I suggested we meet for a drink, we met, we did some stuff but still haven't actually had sex. We have met three times over the last few weeks and I have really enjoyed myself - it's been nice to speak to someone new and exciting to get close to him. I am not certain I want a full on relationship , I don't think I am ready.
However, I really worry that my last relationship has screwed up what I think is normal - I worry about being too paranoid/too much of a doormat/ giving too much away. He seems to respect my boundaries and makes sure I am comfortable. But I can't work out whether it's moving very slowly or he's not really interested in me. On the one hand I am fine with slow, I don't want an intense needy relationship and only wanted to dip my toe in to build my confidence a bit. But I have no idea whether what we are doing is normal, or whether I am just setting myself up to be a mug again. So everything is tinged with fear and paranoia. I talk myself into a hole worrying about being used and laughed at, or thinking this guy doesn't actually like me and no one ever will. I have no reason to think that, he seems sweet, we talk on the phone and text now and again, and every time I think "oh god, I haven't heard from him, he's lost interest", he magically gets in touch so I think I am just worrying needlessly.
I don't think he's in love with me, but I'm not in love with him, I don't care much for the concept of love to be honest. I guess we are using each other for occasional company so I don't think love is really necessary, I think it's ok to have fun as long as we all know where we stand. But I don't know if I am telling myself this because I have become super-resilient and know what I want, or if I have some underlying sense of desperation that means I will take anything and try to use attention and sex to raise my self esteem, a tactic which failed miserably in the past. I suppose I worry that if / when it goes wrong this time it will be a catastrophe and I will realise I haven't made any progress at all.
I try to stress less and say that relationships are not the centre of life. But they are a pretty big part of life and I have already missed out on lots through poor choices. I have friends and activities but they only fill up so much time, I feel like I am missing out on a big part of living, partly because I laid such crap foundations on how to have relationships with friends, and right now I feel like it is not fixable.
I'm not sure what the question is...am I right to go into relationships being suspicious? Is it foolish to just enjoy it if someone likes (but not loves) you? I am on red alert for abusive behaviours, I'd rather be in no relationship than a bad one, but I don't know if this is holding me back from enjoying the moments. I don't know when I will ever be certain about what is right or wrong. My instincts tell me I am probably over-thinking. Is there such a thing as certainty, or is it normal for it to be about risk and second guessing yourself?