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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

relationship with someone who has DC

26 replies

Lottie24 · 01/09/2015 21:38

Hi all,

I wasn't sure whether to post this here in relationships or in step-parenting, so I hope this is okay. I've previously been in a relationship with someone who had a DS and it was absolutely horrendous. The problem wasn't his DS though it was him - DS was a lovely little boy. Any problems surrounding DS were because ex-DP wasn't taking responsibility and expecting me to do too much. I do miss his DS but I certainly don't miss the relationship and I'm glad I'm out of it.

Fast forward several months and I'm finding myself falling for one of my closest friends who also has a DC - and he has said he has feelings for me too. Part of me thinks I don't want to get involved with another parent, I'm not a parent myself and I don't need that kind of hassle in my life, but another part of me thinks it's not a huge problem. My friend is amazing with his DD. I've only met her from a friend point of view but she's lovely. He seems like the kind of guy who would take responsibility for his own DC and wouldn't expect his partner to step in all the time, particularly when you're just dating / early on in the relationship.

I think the problem last time was things got far too serious far too quickly with my ex and he expected me to be mum to his DS. I don't quite know how best to handle this new situation. How do we take things slowly? I don't want to act like his DD isn't a huge part of his life, she is, but I also don't want things to get too serious any time soon and neither does he. I think it's pretty new territory for all of us and we're really conscious of keeping things slow, but if any of you lovely people could advise, that would be great.

OP posts:

amarmai · 01/09/2015 23:04

read the step parenting forum. The default position for a woman is she does the wifework and that includes sc.

TotalPerspectiveVortex · 01/09/2015 23:14

Have you spoken to him about it? I met DSD as 'daddy's friend' as we were friends for around a year before we got together. We spent time together so she knew me, but it was still hard for us all to adjust. I was in a similar position, no kids of my own, but also no experience of parenting at all, I was 23, none of my friends had kids.

For us, it just kind of happend naturally, we didn't plan it out. DSD was 3, so now she's 9 she doesn't really remember anything different. It is hard work, no matter how lovely the child is, or how lovely the DP is! But if it's worth it you'll all work through it. If it's not you won't. But communication is key, and you need to start out being open & honest now.

Original poster

Lottie24 · 01/09/2015 23:50

amarmai that sounds particularly negative. Are you projecting by any chance?

Total we've not spoken about it yet, it's very early days and we've only just told each other we have feelings more than friends. We do need to have an open and honest conversation about it. I wonder if it's perhaps a little early to chat about our expectations of things with his DD, but then like you say communication is key in a relationship.

OP posts:

ThisIsFolkGirl · 02/09/2015 07:23

I don't know amarmai or her eexperience, but I don't think it's uncommon.

It was your experience in your previous relationship, it was my experience the only time I dated a man with kids and it's why the ow dumped my exh.

I think you'll probably get some very good advice from very experienced women in step parenting. Good luck.

googoodolly · 02/09/2015 08:09

Unfortunately, I think the biggest barrier in step-parenting is the relationship between the separated parents.

How well does your DP get along with the mother of his child? Do they have a solid contact agreement and is your DP an equal parent? If so, and the mother is willing to let him parent his own way when he has contact, it shouldn't be all that bad. Of course, all relationships with step DC have problems but I think a working relationship with the other parent plays a large part in how successful it will be.

I don't want to really out myself here, but my DP has DC with his ex. They don't get on and it causes a lot hassle. The DC have never been a problem for me, but the ex is a whole different kettle of fish. I think that's the case for a lot of step-parents - so long as your DP is a good parent, the DC won't be a problem, but if he has issues with his ex then those issues will, unfortunately, impact on you.

A step-parent relationship can be rewarding and wonderful, but it's a lot harder than a parent-child relationship because you're not their parent and you don't really have a lot of influence. Decisions aren't your business and you sometimes have to sit back and watch decisions being made that you might not agree with. But they're not your DC and ultimately the parenting is not down to you.

I don't regret being with someone who has DC at all. He's a wonderful man who supports his DC but I do wish his relationship with his ex wasn't so acrimonious and difficult. I think if they got on, even superficially for the sake of the DC, it would be a hundred times easier.

Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 08:11

Honestly, I would not personally ever get into a relationship with children and nor would I seek a new relationship with anyone should my marriage break down until my children had well and truly flown the nest.

I think everybody ends up in an impossible situation.

googoodolly · 02/09/2015 08:14

I hate how negatively step-families are portrayed - both on here and in the media. You never hear about the happy step-parenting families on here because this is a forum where people go to discuss their PROBLEMS. If everything is going well, you wouldn't be posting to ask for advice!

LoveAGoodRummage · 02/09/2015 08:40

My eldest lives with her dad and stepmum. We all have a good relationship the majority of the time and I know that DD's DSM loves her dearly and what I understand there is no difference between how she is perceived and DSM's children.

It's a shame that there are so many negative preconceptions. Of course it's not easy compromising on the care of your child, but I would rather that my daughter and her SM have a good, strong relationship than the opposite.

Maisie I'm not in an impossible situation, I live it everyday and can assure you that apart from missing DD all is well. The alternative was remaining in a relationship which wasn't working.

I don't expect my DP to pretend to be the father of my children, they have one already but I do expect him to back and support me. He has his own views on parenting and I don't have a problem with us discussing things. His role may change if we ever live together.

I don't have any step children but what I have observed is that it's the same process as any other developing relationship. Slowly, considerately and with a willingness to compromise and communicate. Having a very open mind will definitely help!

Bullettoothtony · 02/09/2015 08:59

I am a LP, and considering getting into a relationship, I would have no expectations from a partner. I would.t have a partner come and live with us mind, that might be the difference

lavenderhoney · 02/09/2015 09:31

If after dating him for 6 months you still feel the same way about each other you can think about meeting his DD.

Date him without his Dd there, see him as an individual, and let him parent his dd alone, then if the relationship fizzles out, his dd hasn't been hurt.

Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 09:32

I'm glad it's working for you LoveA and there's no judgement - just how it was for me. My alternative would personally be to remain single and focus on DC.

LoveAGoodRummage · 02/09/2015 09:44

My youngest is with me around 60% of the time, leaving me far too much time without my children to focus on them entirely. I could of course sing All By Myself with a glass of wine while sobbing in front their photos...

ThatDoesntMeanWhatYouThinkItMe · 02/09/2015 09:51

What's his ex like?

My DH is an amazing dad. My DSD is a lovely child. The biggest headache in our set up is that his ex takes the absolute piss. It causes a lot of resentment. And it's beyond boring.

Bluewombler2k · 02/09/2015 09:55

I have ds who is adored by his Stepdad and loves him back. No negative impact here so it can and does work out if handled properly. My exp and myself do have a good relationship when it comes to ds and that, and accepting that DH does have a say, shared authority and responsibility for his dsd goes a long way too. All positive here

campervan67 · 02/09/2015 12:48

Maisie it's very easy to say that if your marriage broke down you wouldn't get into another relationship and just focus on your children. But you never know what you would actually do until you are in that situation. Have you ever actually been a lone parent? It's a lonely and difficult place to be, don't be so judgemental!

OP, it's up to you but you do have to be prepared for being part of that child's life if you want a relationship with the father.

Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 13:06

No judgment in my posts whatsoever. I am just saying what I personally would do.

hesterton · 02/09/2015 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lottie24 · 02/09/2015 13:45

Thanks all for your input.

Thisisfolkgirl yes it was my experience in the past but only because ex-P was a tosser who expected everybody else to take responsibility for things. Yes there were issues with his ex but he could be just as bad and it was just all round an awful situation. I think I'm projecting my fears and worries from that relationship onto this new situation, even though it's very different circumstances.

I don't know what his relationship with his ex is like, it seems pretty amicable but I'm not privy to the ins and outs. Contact is solid in the sense she doesn't just stop it for no reason, but it's flexible and they're both happy to work around each other's work schedules etc. which I think in itself is good as it suggests they can work together and do what's best for their DD.

I'm very happy to be a part of his DD's life long term, but then how much involvement should one have in the early day. I'm doing a PhD at the moment (worked in industry for a while and then went back as fed up of hitting ceilings) which takes up a huge amount of time and means my finances are not great. So I know that I wouldn't want us to move in together or anything until after I finish. Is it fair to keep things casual(ish) for that long? Three years isn't that long though is it really to just see someone without moving in and would also give us a chance both as a couple but also between DD and I to build the relationship up slowly. Yes I know, I'm probably over thinking things but that's just my nature.

OP posts:

Bullettoothtony · 02/09/2015 13:48

maisie I share your opinion. When dh and I split up I absolutely would not consider bringing anyone into their lives. No one would love them as much as a biological father and anything less wouldn't be good enough. I didn't want my attention divided between my kids and a partner. I didn't want any complications or confusions for them. And that is how it has been for 5 years. Except now I have met someone who I really like. It's not going to come to anything but for the first time since I have been a LP, I would have another relationship. I can see the benefits to me and my kids if I was to have a relationship with the right person.

I don't think you can ever predict what you would and wouldn't do in a situation which is hypothetical for you

DragonsToSlayAndWineToDrink · 02/09/2015 14:02

I love my DSD, and we have a good relationship, but it is still really hard. Just in terms of making plans, money, holiday allowance, moving house- the freedom you would have in your relationship to decide things just the two of you is not there, you are considering another person (and by extension often your DSCs other parent) from day 1. For me it also affects my relationship with ILs, but I guess not everyone will find that. I tell my (young, professional, no DC) single friends who are looking at OLD that IME if I were single now I would not date someone with DC.

Original poster

Lottie24 · 02/09/2015 14:12

Dragons but OLD is very different. I think if I'd met him online I'd have never allowed myself to develop feelings for him, but we were friends first and it's just gone from there. I keep thinking about all his good points, he's funny, caring, supportive, easy to talk to, understands me, we share interests and religion and general outlook on life. But then like you say, it's not just us to consider even from day 1 virtually. In terms of ILs I've absolutely no idea what the dynamic is there but I get the feeling his ex doesn't talk to them any more and I don't think they particularly idolised her in some cases so I can't see there being too much of a problem.

It's complicated isn't it...

OP posts:

campervan67 · 02/09/2015 16:43

Maisie you can't know what you would do for certain until you are in that situation. That's the point.

Maisieknew · 02/09/2015 16:45

I do know, camper. Don't assume I'm not and never will be in that situation. The last thing I would be doing would be having partners.

Jan45 · 02/09/2015 17:09

All you can do is hope for the best, it will be hard don't kid yourself, folk are negative about step parenting because most of the time it's a thankless and difficult task, just keep aware, it all sounds good so far, you've been bitten before so wont do that one again.

If all is well with the ex and sharing the care between them works then you are onto a good start, if there is resentment and bickering, don't get involved!

NKFell · 02/09/2015 17:28

It's not always an impossible situation. DSD was 6 when DP introduced us, she's 12 now and we have a nice relationship. Probably closest to an Auntie/niece relationship, we're not married but to her friends she always calls me her Stepmum. I quite like hearing it "hang on I'll just have to ask my Stepmum!" I like it!

I'll discipline her in my home for small things, anything bigger I make sure DP does it. DP does all discipline related convos with DM. I'm not her Mum but, I'm in her life and I'm glad she's in mine- she's a lovely girl.

It does have difficulties- like Dragon said, holidays etc. can be difficult. So can Christmas's- they used to take turns but now she is so close to my nieces and nephews and she has 3 half siblings here she often wants to spend more time here which of course and understandably doesn't go down well with her DM.

Trickier than normal but definitely NOT impossible.

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