Wishing my life was different, feeling alone

[Papertoyz]

I have posted once before and had great advice on a different topic. I'm here today because I feel like life is falling apart around me.

From the outside, I have a good job and nice family and friends, enough money etc. Life is good.

But a few months ago I ended a relationship with a man who constantly lied to me and wasn't genuine about wanting to have a future with me. I got tired of waiting and left. Mostly, I've been happier for it.

But I can't drag myself out of the past. I am 30 and spent the last 4 years of my life with my ex dp. We shared a beautiful home (rented as he 'wasn't ready to buy), and standard of living was better, shared finances etc. We had nice holidays and I always had that one companion to come with me to weddings or to look after me when I was poorly.

Now.. I am living alone (out of choice, and happy with that). But it's not the same as the home I had built with ex dp. I also feel very left out with my group of friends... We were friends with lots of couples so used to socialise like that. Literally every one of my friends is in a relationship, and I know the advice will be to meet more single people, but it's not that easy. I'm not the sort of person to join a random activity just to meet someone, I find it forced.

I spend time with friends and their other halves, but I can tell they don't value my advice on wedding plans as much as the other friends, as what would I know? I'm just single and would have no clue.

I also feel bitter about the fact that all my friends have that one person to travel with. I appreciated all those things so much with my ex dp and I crave my old life back so much.

I can't be with my ex because I know it would just be another route to waiting around while he decided to grow up and commit properly and take responsibility for building a life. It's not him that I miss, it's the life I spent so long building with him, and the sense of comfort you have with that one person who will listen if you've had a bad day or you just want to chat because you're on a train and bored.

I've also started having feelings of jealousy, even towards my younger brother and his gf who recently moved in together. I'm not a jealous person and I hate feeling this way. I seem to get angry and resentful a lot of the time, and often I will sit and think back to where I lived before and how happy I was.

I've been on some dates since I broke up with my ex and they do make me feel there is hope, but at the end of the day I'm 30, single and everyting I build up during my twenties has disappeared. I often feel like my life is just about getting through each day rather than living. I don't have feelings of depression as such, just a general feeling of wishing I could rewind time.

What a miserable person I sound!!! Any advice welcome.

[thisisnow]

It's still early days since the break up... I'm sure you've heard this a 1000 times but have you thought about all of the things that you couldn't do when you were in a relationship that you now can? It could be something silly like go visit somewhere your ex never wanted to go, or take up a new hobby etc.

If your friends don't value your opinions because you are single then that is kind of preposterous. I'm never getting married but I still talk about my friends weddings to them and they don't bat an eyelid!

30 is so young too, you literally have your whole life ahead of you!

[snakesandbastards]

I know it's hard now, but imagine if you had stayed just for the things you now miss. 4 years from now you will be realising it's been 8 wasted years and all because you wanted to stay with someone for all the wrong reasons. In the next 4 years you could meet the right person for you.

[Papertoyz]

thanks for responses.

i just feel so so so alone, and i just get home on my own and cry. everything i loved so much has disappeared. while my friends are settling down and having families and buying homes, i am starting from scratch. it feels so hard. my mum keeps saying it is my fault as well, because i 'havent managed to keep a man.' that makes me feel so much worse and makes me question everything.

[CheddarGorgeous]

Your mum's an arse.

You are young. If you want to meet someone else and get married etc. you have loads of time to do so.

Being single after a LTR takes a bit of getting used to but whatever the downsides it's 10,000 times better than being with the wrong person.

Do you do any sport? Something like a running club is great for a social life and it's not all "couple-y"

[Papertoyz]

my job takes up a lot of my time - i dont get home until around 8.30 each night. and i go to the gym but im not into sports at all.

i just feel like why out of all my friends am i in this position? some of my freinds have been awful to their partners, and whilst im not especially easy going, ive never cheated or anything like that. i feel lonely and left out and i dread family events where i turn up alone and everyone else is coupled up. i know my mum judges me as well and has a much higher opinion of my siblings who are with 'well to do' men.

[thisisnow]

Well your Mum doesn't sound very kind. Sorry to say that but who cares about "well to do", it's not the bloody 1950s!

You need to stop letting what other people do and don't have effect your life.

I don't know you but I think hey here's a young, independent woman with a great job and a great future ahead of her!

[Papertoyz]

thanks :)

i know, it's just the feeling of being alone that's hard to deal with. i hope it will pass. i didnt think i would be like this at 30!

[pocketsaviour]

i just feel like why out of all my friends am i in this position?

Maybe you value yourself more highly and were prepared to call time on the relationship which wasn't giving you what you needed, whereas some people stay in an unhappy relationship through fear of being alone.

Or maybe it's simply the luck of the draw!

I've also started having feelings of jealousy, even towards my younger brother and his gf who recently moved in together. I'm not a jealous person and I hate feeling this way.

I felt this after my marriage ended (even though I was the one who walked.) It did pass after a while - probably about a year TBH. It might be encouraging to you that when I then got into a serious relationship after my marriage, which lasted 4 years but culminated in him "borrowing" several thousand quid off me then buggering off with another woman - I didn't really go through that stage at all. I mean I still went through the upset and anger, but I didn't feel bitter or cheated or cynical about other people's relationships. I've been single now for 2.5 years and I love my own company. I feel like I might be ready to try dating again in 6 months to a year.

[travellinglighter]

Very much know the feeling. I do have some respite from it when I have the kids(50/50 share) but when the house is empty then life seems a bit flat. I have enough money but I’m clearing debt as well so it does seem that if I want to do something then I have to budget very carefully.

Chin up. Life will get better. At least you’re only 30 not 47. (smile)

[expectantmum79]

30 with no dependants? Life is starting again, all the best bits are ahead of you and your mum is talking nonsense. Enjoy and please realise that many will envy you your age and your singledom.

well done for getting rid of your ex instead of giving him your valuable child bearing years. Give it time and you'll see it for what it is.

[Zebraface]

^ what expectantmum says.
You're young,be excited....spoken by a sad divorced 50 year old

[Scoobydoo8]

Is there no hobby, past time, skill that you would like to develop. That's the best way to make friends (not necessarily the opposite sex).

[Donotknowhownottomind]

my mum keeps saying it is my fault as well, because i 'havent managed to keep a man.'

No disrespect to your Mum but that is complete nonsense. Much better to be single than in a damaging relationship. Nothing to do with "keeping" a man .

[springydaffs]

OK I get it that it's LOVELY being in a relationship. So many positives.

It's like being rich, with all the loveliness and freedom that can bring.

But if you're not rich, you aren't. You don't have what rich people have. That's just how it is. I don't mean to be cheesy but you can see and you can walk (I assume); fresh drinking water comes out of your tap. It's about perspective, perhaps.

You have a lot going for you. Apart from your mother, who sounds vile. Maybe that's why this is hitting you all the harder: because you have not felt loved and protected in life (if your mother is anything to go by). It's natural to want to create our own security and love - it is understandable your heart aches for it, especially if you don't feel you ever had it when you should have.