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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This will sound weird..

18 replies

SandBetweenMyt0es · 01/09/2015 10:00

Was wondering if anyone could offer me some advice as I feel like I don't even really understand myself right now.

Whilst I was pregnant with DS we moved to a new city due to DH's job. It was really difficult at first as I left behind a really solid social circle and didn't know anyone in our new area.

Three years on, I have made a small amount of friends, but due to trying to schedule work around childcare for DS, it has transpired that DH and I don't see much of one another and because I do the majority of the childcare, I am also spending a lot of time on my own with DS.

I don't mind this at all- infact I love it, but I have noticed that where at first I found it really lonely and hated all this solitary time, I have now adjusted to this new life and have become much more independent and comfortable in my own company.

Lately I have noticed that on the rare occasions that DH is around too, I find it really difficult. I love him, but find it a really big effort to have someone else around me, and find that I become quite snappy and unpleasant over small things he does because I find it annoying having him around. This sounds so bad but it is true, and I know this is my problem but I'm not sure how to snap out of it. I hate myself when I am nasty to him, as he really just wants a nice happy life with his family. It's not all bad- sometimes we have some great times- but I do have to make effort and I don't know why ????

When I'm not around him I feel loving towards him.. I'm so confused what my problem is.

OP posts:

pallasathena · 01/09/2015 19:26

You're living in a bubble and when he comes home, he's bursting your bubble and you feel resentful. Its a form of selfishness and you need to address it urgently before he decides he's had enough. Fake it until you make it and practice respect - he deserves that at least.

aftereight · 01/09/2015 19:42

ouch pallas, that was a bit harsh.
OP I can relate to what you ate saying, and was discussing this with a friend who feels like this too, so it must be pretty common.
I feel so much more relaxed when DH is away, he interrupts my routine when he's home and the atmosphere is just, well, different.
I think that one of the reasons is that when I'm alone with DC, I just assume total responsibility for everything; when he's here I expect DH to pick up his share of things that need doing/thinking about, but he's not as tuned into those things (usually preoccupied with work), so I feel resentful if I have to point things out to him/still do all the 'wifework'

0x530x610x750x630x79 · 01/09/2015 19:45

My OH works away 3 nights a week, i am finding the same myself, especially sharing the bed.

You have to remember you love them, and why and work on that

pallasathena · 01/09/2015 19:54

What's harsh about telling the truth?

Original poster

SandBetweenMyt0es · 01/09/2015 20:10

Pallas I actually appreciate the honesty and maybe I deserve it to be honest- I hear myself sounding like such a nag/ bitch sometimes. The worst thing is I wouldn't behave like it to anyone else so why I behave like it to someone that I love the most makes it even stranger. Believe me, I punish myself for it.

Aftereight that is really comforting to hear that I'm not a total freak and that other people feel it too.

0x530 yes the bed thing! I hate sharing a bed!!!! But at the same time when he is away I miss the closeness. I know, I'm a nightmare!!!

OP posts:

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 01/09/2015 20:53

It depends on why you get annoyed with him.

Are you annoyed with him because he is genuinely an annoying tosspot and the time apart has made you see it? Or is he actually lovely?

Original poster

SandBetweenMyt0es · 01/09/2015 21:17

Well I get annoyed over little things like he just assumes he can have lie-ins when he is not working.. And I find him messy.. I feel like its another person to follow round picking up after.. Oh, and that he always has sport on the TV whereas I would prefer music/ to read/ to talk.. But other than the little niggling things he is generally lovely. I, on the other hand, am prickly, at times spiteful, and irritable :(

I'm scared Pallas is right and that I will gradually drive him away but I cant seem to snap out of this cycle.

OP posts:

SonjasSister · 01/09/2015 21:17

Ach Sand don't be too down on yourself! This really isn't so unusual, in fact I think its normal.to a greater or lesser degree. I love my dh very much but oh, the mess, and the having to think about another person (even though he more than pulls his weight around the place) - you know what I'm saying? Just kind of restful when he's not here (mine is quite noisy and 'busy' and even when its much nagged for diy I find myself cringing sometimes). Its probably just easier and more restful with just you and ds and you're probably pretty tired, so it all feels like a bit of an effort, to accommodate him and take an extra set of needs into account.

I find I do need to remind myself how hard he works for us and how great he is, sometimes. Like you, I know I'm being unfair most of the time, but a little bit of positive self talk is helpful. Put yourself in his sjoes and you will feel kinder.
Then if you do have real gripes, you can hopefully raise them calmly, as requests, without being nasty.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/09/2015 21:22

He sounds a little bit selfish and inflexible, expecting to have his needs met - no wonder you feel irritated.

It doesn't sound as if he is paying attention to your needs, or thinking about how he can contribute to the time you're all sharing.

SonjasSister · 01/09/2015 21:25

Cross post with you Sand! I see we both have husband mess issues. Like I said, if thete are requests re mess, taking turns for lieins etc see if you can ask him nicely.
By the way, is anyone else calling you soiteful and irtitable, I was assuming this is your negative self talk.
TBH that is a symptom of depression, or at least a goid way to drag yourself down into it. Maybe have a look at some CBT techniques for changing your inner monologue?
If it is DH saying it then - well he is not a lovely husband at all.

SonjasSister · 01/09/2015 21:28

Sorry about my fat finger typing. But just agreeing with atrocious really. You seem to be entirely blaming yourself for not always enjoying him being at home, but it takes two to make a nice weekend together.

Joysmum · 01/09/2015 21:35

My DH is off again tomorrow, the third week out of 4 he's spent time away.

I detach a bit and try to see the positives in him being away. It's a self defense mechanism because it hurts to be separated. The more hurt I feel, the more I like my bubble and self reliance and then when he comes back he takes away my position bed and I've lost all perspective to remember that I hurt when he goes and don't when he comes back. Instead I see what I've given up and the negatives of him being back.

amarmai · 01/09/2015 23:09

He def acts like he is more important than you. Either address it or not and be aware of consequences either way.

pallasathena · 02/09/2015 10:21

He assumes he can have lie-ins when he isn't working??? Now, maybe I'm old fashioned, but where I come from, if someone's been working hard all week then a lie-in at the weekend is......normal?

Original poster

SandBetweenMyt0es · 02/09/2015 14:07

I work too Pallas, 3 days a week, and then up at 6am every day that I'm not (working) with a toddler!

Joys mum I totally get that feeling! Maybe that's kind of what I'm doing too. Poor you! I hope he isn't away too much ..?

Sonja thankyou that's a very compassionate take on it. I think the problem is I know I am often out of order, but when I try and break the cycle he jumps on the smallest thing and says I'm being negative again or being irrational so it makes it pretty impossible to turn over a new leaf! Going to try and go with Pallas's first comment and fake it til I make it.

How bad that I have to fake it?! Agh!!

OP posts:

middlethird · 02/09/2015 14:19

Pallas, seriously??! That last comment was out of line.

OP, talk to him - I think you could both together make it better. At the very least it'll be addressing the issue.

Good luck.

middlethird · 02/09/2015 14:20

Just to be clearer. All of your comments are out of line.

pallasathena · 02/09/2015 15:47

Look, I get it if you don't agree with me and that's fine, really it is! But setting yourself up as judge and jury over a comment I made isn't really addressing the problem the o/p wants to discuss, is it?

I suggested 'fake it until you make it,' because its a behavioural thing that she's got into. If she adjusts her mindset to a positive rather than a negative attitude to her dh, it may just provide the solution she's looking for.

Additionally, I said if someone has worked hard all week and needs a lie in at the weekend then what's wrong with that? Surely, we are all sufficiently grown up to be able to negotiate a bit of an extra snooze? and yet, that comment is deemed 'out of line'.

I think we have one or two little princesses in our midst here today ladies. The sort who try to shout you down because their point of view is being challenged.

And we can't have that, can we?

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