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Original poster

WWYD. Agening parent dilemma

47 replies

cressetmama · 31/08/2015 15:56

Please give opinions... MIL is 86, widowed, solvent, becoming frail both physically (scoliosis) and mentally (a touch absent-minded, not really dementia) but lives 300 miles away, at the other end of the country. Moving closer is not an option as DH has a business locally, DC are in school, etc. Me: SATM, so flexible. DSIL is difficult (very complex story) but located nearby to DMIL, and reluctant to lose the frequent financial help that is on offer every time she bleats.

We would like to move DMIL to a nice warden assisted block of flats in a pleasant market town near us, where everything would be within walking or mobility scooter range; however, the matron thinks she might be too old to settle. Where she is, she still has a few friends locally, plays bridge and drives (close your eyes please). Money is to be considered, but not a serious problem. DH would like to see more of her during what are likely to be the last few years, and I am happy to do whatever is necessary.

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 31/08/2015 16:03

Difficult one.
What does your MIL want to do? Would paying a carer to visit her once or twice a day be an option? Certainly if she has friends and a social life moving might be hard.
Older people can, and do, move and settle well, but perhaps the warden feels she needs more support than that offered by the scheme (very few seem to have resident wardens nowadays).

Chottie · 31/08/2015 16:05

Have you spoken to MiL to see what she would like to do?

My DH and I had to find a care home for my elderly cousin of 86 after she suffered a stroke. We all thought it would be better for her to remain in the area she had lived in since she was 9 years old. We thought her friends could visit, she was very active in her local church etc. etc. even though it was about 100 miles away from us.

We found a really wonderful home and the staff were very kind. But gradually her visitors dwindled, elderly friends died or became infirm, the vicar she was so fond of moved to a new parish miles away, so it was only us visiting. In hindsight, it would have been better to move her nearer to us, so we could have visited more frequently and been on hand more.

Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 16:07

MIL cannot remember what she wants; one day, she would like to move close to us; next day, she fancies a residential home. Some days she cannot get out of bed, others, she's pretty bright. We suggested a visiting companion, a younger elderly lady who seemed lovely, but she rejected the idea out of hand nine months ago.

We are travelling in small circles........

OP posts:
Nc19999992 · 31/08/2015 16:11

I would move her closer to you, if her memory is failing her slightly and she's becoming less able then as pp said it's easier to become very lonely being so far away from family.
Equally, try and get an idea of her feelings over a few weeks and see if 'stay at home' or 'move towards you' are a more common idea

Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 16:13

DMiL has a nice house, which the EA is keen to sell. It will fetch a good price and sell overnight. Of course, she has all her memories there. Her brother thinks she should move close to us, but DSiL is blocking a bit. We just want to do the best for her!

OP posts:
Chottie · 31/08/2015 16:20

Cresset after your reading your update, I would move her nearer you. There are several homes near us which have the option of living in self contained warden assisted accommodation and moving into the care home part if and when needed. Would this type of support / care be an option?

Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 16:24

We have two (very pleasant) retirement complex options; one is in town, the other very rural. Needless to say, the rural option has the care home attached. As she sets such store by independence, we feel the town option would be preferable. DMiL is very sociable, meets people and makes friends easily (services background) and the typical residents in the place we have in mind are fairly similar.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 31/08/2015 16:29

I don't think you can step in and make decisions about your Mother in Law - her children need to talk about this together with your MiL. (Otherwise you risk falling out with SiL (assuming this is her daughter).

Things you might want to consider as a family...

Does your SiL visit & how often? Does she have other visitors?
How often would your family visit if she was closer to you?
Has your MiL set up a Power of Attorney?

And - very delicate - if you are worried about your SiL getting handouts you could ask about getting some spending limits set up - say you are worried about your MiL being scammed. Sorry I don't know if this is possible but maybe making sure only a small amount is in the account at any time might stop worrying amounts being paid out.

(Also for clarification are you saying your SiL is emotionally abusing your MiL? Sorry if I've grasped the wrong end of the stick).

pinkfrocks · 31/08/2015 16:40

You can't make a choice for her- it's her choice.

This is your DH's problem not yours really.

We had / have LD relatives and just make as much effort as possible to visit when we can.

I find it hard to believe she can't 'remember' her preferences- more likely she changes her mind a lot.

I think you and your DH and his siblings need to talk about what are YOUR needs and what are HERS. If you and your DH are feeling guilty about not seeing her often, can you travel more at weekends and school hols?

If she has friends locally, still drives and is able to look after herself most of the time, then why uproot her?

Warden controlled homes are very expensive - long term. Have you looked into the costs? Some near us are several thousands a year- newly built. If she lives into her 90s, would her savings last?

A friend of my mum has recently been moved by her family into a care home near them- 200 miles from her home which is being sold. she is completely with it mentally but some loss of mobility and doesn't drive. She's been there about 3 months and hates it. But it's one room- not a flat. We think she ought to have been given the choice of warden-assisted housing as you are considering but I'm mentioning it simply because her family made the plans and rail roaded her along quite soon after she was widowed.

Don't rush into anything and make sure it's her wishes for the change, not yours.

Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 16:41

Imbroglio I'm not acting out of my status. DSiL is not abusing; she lives close to DMiL but has a fairly hectic life, including a grandchild, plus children a bit older than ours; she is also somewhat combative with DMiL, and has health issues of her own. She visits DMiL quite regularly, although not quite enough. We offered to pay her a salary if she would do a bit more, but DMiL doesn't want it. If DMiL were to move, I could stop by two or three times a week (only 7 miles away, in a place I visit anyway) and DH would go over to call about the same, plus it would be easy to fetch and return her for Sunday lunch, or to collect and return laundry, change beds, do shopping. All the legal stuff is sorted to everyone's satisfaction.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 31/08/2015 16:48

It might sound a great solution to you but what does she want?

You seem to be bulldozing ahead in your head without thinking she may not want this At All.

I can't believe you suggested paying her daughter to visit her- what a weird idea!

PotteringAlong · 31/08/2015 16:50

I think the driving is by far the most important thing to tackle here.

Imbroglio · 31/08/2015 17:12

Feelings can run very high at times like this and its not easy for anyone - and none of you can predict the future. The 'ideal' solution can turn out to be a disaster all too easily.

You all need to be considerate of everyone's feelings, appreciative of everyone's efforts, and adaptable to changing circumstances.

pinkfrocks · 31/08/2015 17:31

Pottering- no one can make an older person stop driving. Only their GP or another dr. This MIL sounds pretty with-it if she goes out and plays bridge.

I have relatives much older who are driving and who will not be persuaded otherwise.

I'm not sure how the SIL financial hand outs would stop simply if her DM was further away?

OP- the four of you- MILSIL. Dh and anyone else, need to sit down and talk.

You seem to be looking at what sounds perfect on paper, but what is logical is not always what people want emotionally.

Nonnainglese · 31/08/2015 17:38

Could your MIL have a trial stay, for say 3 months, to see how she gets on? If it goes well then that's what's right. If it doesn't then it'll need a rethink.
From your update it does seem a good solution all round.

Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 17:46

Pink, Imbroglio and other posters, please do not conclude from this thread that we are talking short term thinking here or that there is a lack of communication; this situation has been developing over seven years and the acute phase is at least 18 months along and we are taking everything a short step at a time. If anything, we have talked ourselves, in pairs and as a group, to a standstill, which is why I invited you to offer insights. A decision is reached, and forgotten 48 hours later as DMiL's retention is not as good as it was. As for paying DSil, she was in a financial predicament, working on a zero-hours contract and waiting for surgery, in an area of v high unemployment, so it seemed to help all around at the time. DMiL drives well, just cannot always remember where she is going, or how to get there! Safe enough locally though. We have to be logical but also emotionally sensitive, everyone accepts that and is doing their damnedest to achieve that. I am just hoping that one of you throws a new light on territory we seem to have trodden into mud, so that we can see it afresh and go! Lo, there is the solution!

OP posts:
Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 17:50

nonna, I wish that would be possible, but this is a buy situation so the try it option is less easy. Moving in requires a property purchase, which requires sale of her present home; otherwise, yes, we would do just that.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 31/08/2015 17:51

If your MIL gets lost driving then I seriously suggest that your DH contacts her GP, with or without her knowledge. If she cannot remember big decisions in 48 hours then that and the driving really does suggest dementia of some kind. I've been through this with various relatives who have had assessments for dementia and driving ability. Short term memory loss such as forgetting what she had for dinner yesterday are common enough at 86-but this sounds more serious. She certainly ought to apply to for a driving assessment and she ought to inform DVLC of her memory issues.

Is her GP aware of any of this?

thesandwich · 31/08/2015 17:56

Mil kept driving until the police were called to a petrol station when she could not remember what to do. We then asked the local community policeman to tell her she couldn't drive and took the keys off her. Losing your way is the first part. Done wait until there is an accident

Nonnainglese · 31/08/2015 17:57

Perhaps it's going to have to be a deep breath and go for it.
We had to do this for my inlaws. Neither wanted to move but very isolated cottage + 89 year old MIL's driving causing mega concerns alongside FIL's moderate dementia.
It didn't please everyone in the family but was heading for a 'no choice ' scenario if a decision wasn't made.

I do wish you luck, it isn't an easy situation to resolve.

Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 18:05

Yes, Pink I agree with you that she ought to have a DVLC assessment, but DH reckons that her reactions and vision are good enough not to make her a hazard to other drivers, within five miles of her home. The place she lives is full of old codgers so they make allowances! I also agree that the short term memory loss is edging towards dementia, but I am very conscious that I don't want to bulldoze, but I am trying to help DH (who has had health issues himself) and limit the stress for him. I have no axe to grind here. I like and respect DMiL, and will happily do what's best and will relieve everyone's anxiety!

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 31/08/2015 18:09

he ought to talk to or write to her GP- or phone- and ask for an assessment for dementia to be set up. This would help you all with the decision over where to live. She might forget where her car is or drive away from her usual 5 mile trip and get lost completely on unknown roads. The waiting list for an assessment for driving is 4 months in some areas so never too soon to start the ball rolling.

Original poster
cressetmama · 31/08/2015 18:14

That is useful to know: I had no idea the waiting period could be so long. Thank you Pinkfrocks; it will be a phone call as we are so far away. He is bringing her to stay this week, and hopefully to view a couple of flats. Fingers crossed that she is well enough to travel.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 31/08/2015 18:21

You could bring her down to visit the care home/s you have in mind. Just to look, mind - research! Otherwise all talking is theory. Visiting alternative accommodation would give her a concrete idea of her options. Just like anyone selling a house, it helps to feel excited about the new house you're moving to, to be able to visualise living there, to work out the practical and emotional logistics.

It may be she isn't quite ready and that research/discussion now will prepare her/you all for what may become a necessity further down the line.

springydaffs · 31/08/2015 18:23

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