I'm confused...don't know how to react [TRIGGER WARNING added by MNHQ]

[outofmydepth1]

I'm not sure how to react.
Last night, during drunken sex (I wasn't that drunk..he was), dh went in wrong 'u know'....I said no and he carried on, I shouted out and pushed him off, but he didn't until I really fought him hard. I then said I didnt want to carry on even in standard way. He coaxed and coaxed and went down until I agreed. I must admit, I got back into it, but I was really hurt, and felt weird this morning. Should I say something? A part of me thinks there is no point spoiling the mood, and I'm too embarrassed. The other part feels it was a step too far from him. I'm confused.

You said no, you tried to get him off and it required a lot of force to get him to stop.

I made excuses for my ex too. Didn't see it as rape, didn't see me as a victim or him as a rapist. That doesn't change anything. You were raped, he raped you. No means no, you struggled to get him to stop. He raped you.

That must be horrible for you, but in all honesty I agree with the others.
If someone, be it a stranger or your husband, penetrates you against your will, you say no/stop and have to fight them off then you have been raped and that person is a rapist.
How you deal with that is up to you. It would be a deal breaker for me, it could be something you can live with but you have to have a frank discussion and ensure you feel safe and that this won't be repeated.
Incidentally, my DH and me have an 'intense' and experimental relationship but if either of us says "Stop, I don't like that" it stops instantly and is never repeated.

I think you've gone some ways towards setting boundaries with no means no, but you should try to discuss sex a little more often if he makes mistakes like he did. It would avoid issues where you are left in distress afterwards a lay some clear guidelines

How can no not mean know and trying to get away and needing force not mean no.

Was he aware of what he did?
Was he shocked?
Did it feel like he was really sorry, or just trying to placate you?

If you usually do it and he knows that you must be prepared, why not this time? It should be automatic for him to check it out. Or do you think he thought he could get away with just going for it?

Imagine you being so drunk that you stepped on his fingers and kept pressing as he shouted and pushed you off. Do you think that's realistic?

If you have previously been happy with a sexual relationship that factors in 'non-consent' or BDSM elements, then you do need a straight talk with your H and an agreed safeword, as said upthread (teacup, or octopus or any other word you wouldn't normally say). If you have been happy so far and he generally treats you like an intelligent human being who is his equal then it is possible he made a genuine mistake though not that likely.

Though if your entire relationship is based on him being The Boss, especially if you met him when you were young and he is older than you, then it's possible that you have an unhealthy and unfixable situation where he is grooming you and giving himself permission to abuse you more and more.

Thank you all so much. I wanted opinions of others - hence posting on MN.
SolidGrass is right - he is older than me (about a decade).
I think he just got carried away, and thought i would accept/enjoy if he persisted plus he was drunk.
He looked shocked when i mentioned it last like - i have never complained before - he said 'oh, im sorry, i didnt realise'. i did clarify that 'no means stop immediately; - we dont do bdsm, not even smacking, he can just be forceful at times, which has been ok in the past....its been 12yrs and its never happened before, so i guess, i will let it pass and see how it goes.
Im a bit worried that i may have just seen a 'hidden' part of him though.
I will discuss more with him this weekend....its scary to be put through pain when you shout stop...its not nice being in pain for days after, but like all have said, i need to be clearer about my boundaries!
Im not going to shout rape just yet, or walk out on a 12yr marriage with DCs - it may have been a mistake.

he said 'oh, im sorry, i didnt realise'

This has just left me shaking and in tears.

As part of my counseling I had to talk through and record my rape to listen to.

That's exactly the words my partner said to me after I found the strength to shove him off and shouting after him being clearly told on s verbal occasions 'I don't want to' 'stop' and 'no' and him going ahead anyway.

Obsidian's last sentence is what you need to take from this, OP.

You MUST get used to discussing your sex life, to clearly setting your personal boundaries. Especially as your habit is to follow his lead. If you do this you must have a mutually understood and absolute way of saying no.

When you have that in place you can then relax back into your habit knowing that this error of judgement will never happen again.

And do make sure you see someone if the pain continues.

It's not a good sign that he wasn't mortified.
It looks like he had found a good excuse (drink) to do as he pleases and a way out (didn't realise).

It's understandable that you don't want to walk out just now. It is hard leaving for what looks like a single incident. However, it's mote likely that it's a first time rather than a one off. I'd urge you to put a plan in place for if (or when) he does it again.

Please listen to the lovely ladies here. Your husband raped you and judging by his reaction he isn't the least bit sorry.

People just don't go about accidentally raping their wives OP. If you sweep this under the carpet there's every chance he'll do the same again. Once is once too much.

Please please speak to rape crisis.

You think it could have been a mistake that you shouted no and tried to push him off you but he continued?

It is truly terrifying; the amount of men who don't see themselves as rapists when that's exactly what they are. And the amount of women who think the same thing.

you ok, Joy ?

And shouting at OP like that is going to help her?

Apply some common sense, phrase it in a manner any OP will be able to read and accept, rather than shut down and hide.

How about responding in a way that might give her a starting point, a way to work through it, rather than smacking her over the head with your take on it?

Basically, have a fucking heart. The person you are screeching at is a human being and has had what might be a life changing experience. There is nothing to be gained by shouting at her, as some have.

That's rape, so get some help. Your life has changed, you can pretend it hasn't but it has. It isn't your fault. Your husband raped you anally. It wasn't a mistake, it was something he wanted and you didn't, so he went ahead anyway. That's not the action of a loving man.

OP only you know what you're prepared to do sexually and you say you have an intense sexual relationship, which I suppose includes anal. Obviously if you do anal you need to have plenty of lube and be comfy, so was it that he had a few bevvies that made him over zealous?
I think you both should have a drink and a chat just to let him know how you feel about the experience. Lay down some boundaries and then see what he says. Explain that when you say no you are not playing etc etc. Basically it needs discussing.

How awful for you. Are you still in pain now? You really need to see a doc if you are, in case he has caused serious damage. You won't have to tell the doc it was rape or forced-they won't pressure you.
If it happens again please don't let it be played down.

Yeah thanks AF. I'm going to hide this thread now. Seeing the poor OP making the same rationalization a I did all those years ago and then seeing him use the same words my rapist did is probably what I needed really. My therapist says my reaction to minimize and justify is common, and I was young back then, but to see an obviously wonderfully intelligent and lovely woman following the same path I did I wish I'd had MN back then makes me realise she was right and not just placating me.

I've listened again to my recording where I repeat those very words he said said to me. I know my rationalization was self preservation at the time but with the benefit of hindsight I wish I could go back and tell myself the truth

Best of luck OP in finding your path forwards. I hope your mental damage heals as quickly as a he physical damage.

Consent in prior situations isn't a life pass for him to do the same whoever he wants when you don't consent. Take care

and you Joy

OP please listen to Joysmum

I understand that you need to realise things in your own time, but I find your reaction so sad. Your partner raped you so badly that you were in severe pain for at least 24 hours afterwards. And you believe him when he says he "didn't realise".

I know you don't want to think that he has raped you but unfortunately he has.

Rape is forcing someone to have intercourse against their will

You shouted stop and tried to force him away. He ignored that and carried on having intercourse with you. He, therefore, had intercouse with you against your will and, as such, raped you. That part is fact, black and white

Whether you choose to accept rape like that is OK in your relationship is a different matter. This would disturb me greatly if it had happened to me

Good luck x