Selfish self-indulgent whine...

[teawamutu]

...which I'm doing here so I don't do it IRL.

DH and I have both had a horrible year at work (both have FT jobs in very difficult environments. Not brain surgery or anything, but not nice places). DH's is worse, and he has been diagnosed with full-on depression. He is addressing it, and getting the help he needs, and still pulling his weight around the house. And I KNOW, because in the past it's been the case, that were the tables turned I would have his absolute and unstinting support.

Butbutbut... I am struggling. I'm sitting here utterly dreading work tomorrow, and feeling huge responsibilities to take off as much of the load from him as possible in terms of cooking, practical arrangements with the DC during the holidays etc, and support him and say it's OK to check out a bit for a while. I'm really trying to do those things but I'm not sleeping, and I'm snappy with the DC, and just feeling overwhelmed and miserable but don't want to add to his worries by saying so.

That's all, really. I'm sure it'll pass and there are lots of people dealing with worse, and I definitely could be dealing with it better. This is definitely a bumpy bit, though.

It's very difficult when both of you are struggling at the same time.

Can you see your GP for support in the mean time?

Are you both looking to switch jobs, since neither of you enjoy it and your DH is being actively made unwell by his?

Essentially yes to the jobs, but we need to get dh settled first (we started these jobs relatively close together; never again!). I can tolerate it, I just don't like it. Would matter far less if everything else was ok iyswim?

You'll have to watch yourself that you don't get depressed too! I'm not being doom and gloom here, heightened irritability can be a warning sign off encroaching depression.

So get some appropriate support in place, pronto. She your gp to see what they advise - eg ADs to get you through this hump?

Exercise is also essential for stabilising mood - do you have a regular exercise routine? I don't mean hard core gym etc but even walking when possible, running/jogging ie exercise that is easily accessible, easy to corporate into your daily routine.

Food too is essential for keeping mood stable - sugar, simple carbs, crap make you feel crap in the long run.

I'd also recommend Kalms, 3 times a day: natural, herbal. Or St Johns Wort is also brilliant for times of stress (the most prescribed AD in Germany, apparently - can't get it on prescription here though!).

You're going to have to pace yourself to get through this challenging time. Try and get hold of some mindfulness meditation CDs and work them into your daily routine. Dh could join you...

You both sound like teachers

On my risk of depression, I know you're right. I have had bouts (mild to moderate at worst) in the past, I know what the spiral down feels like and I think I'm close.

I do have a mindfulness app (DH also uses it), which has reduced my reactions to work from terror and floor-level confidence (not helped by bullying in my first few months there) to just 'I really don't like it here most of the time'. I try to exercise, and I'm meeting a friend this week to unload (and drink prosecco).

I know I'm eating too much crap, and we're both having a drink most nights and a cigarette or two with it (after years without ). I am determined to do better on the food front - and find a way to relax that doesn't involve baking...

Not sure about ADs for myself, I've been worse before and not had them, and two of us adjusting to them at the same time seems a bad idea. But I don't rule it out if I felt I needed them.

Sleep is the huge one, I have insomnia so I've got really bad about going to bed on time. Vicious circle.

Kalms 3 times a day can address sleep problem,s. Or st Johns wort, as I said (stuck record)

But ime ADs did it when I had sleep problems. Appreciate it may be too much to take on both of you at the same time. Just wondering, you're not against ADs are you? You say you didn't take them when things were bad before - why? They're a miracle of modern medicine imo, particularly as the option was (highly addictive) tranqs back in the day. They work by reactivating eg serotonin uptakers, which have stopped working bcs of sustained adrenalin.

Hate to be a harpy but alcohol makes the whole thing worse in the long run. Get your adrenalin switched off in whatever way you can - healthy, that is eg mindfulness, breathing , Kalms etc, exercise; to give the feel good brain stuff the chance to get going again. Practical, see.

Thanks springy (and pocket and lilac; I really do feel a bit better for having got it out of my head and onto a screen). I'm not exactly against ADs for myself; my GP definitely was last time and pushed for CBT which sorted it. And I felt worse that time so feels like they're not necessary if that makes sense?

Ok that's fine then. Just checking re some people have an irrational (imo) resistance to them, seeing them as some kind of weakness or something. Glad you don't! There are other options as I have exhaustively posted