Can't initiate sex

[Lilypad15]

I have a very high sex drive but I am hopeless at intitating. My partner doesn't have as high a sex drive as I do and because he has to initiate, we don't have sex nearly as often as I would like.

I am not very body confident at all, I hate how I look naked, all stretch marks and saggy boobs and I HATE my vagina. That doesn't help my willingness to initiate but I think the main reason is because I'm so terrified of being rejected which would in turn make me feel even less confident.

I have all these ideas in my head of how I could intimate, I play them over in my mind and I think to myself, right next time DP is here, I'm going to do this. Then he gets here and I just can't do it. I don't feel sexy at all, I feel like I don't know how to be sexy, I'm just bumbling and awkward. DP does everything he can to make me feel sexy but when you don't feel it in your heart it just doesn't work.

I want to be able to initiate. I know deep down that DP wouldn't reject me if I did but for some reason it still stops me. I was in a long term relationship a long time ago with a guy who turned out to be gay and although our sex life was good to begin with, I did start getting rejected and it really knocked my confidence.

The idea of dressing up, role playing, talking dirty etc just fills me with dread because those things are supposed to be a turn on whereas if I did it it would just be awkward because I don't know how to be sexy because I think to be sexy you need to be confident. Does anyone have any advice or tips that could maybe ease me in to starting to be a bit more confident so I can finally be able to initiate sex with my partner? I'm only 26 and I've been with DP for two years so it's something I think I need to deal with now.

Given your relationship history with a deceitful gay man, that must have knocked your confidence through the floor.

I think you would actually benefit from counselling - possibly counselling together with your DP, but probably alone to start with.

Why do you hate your vagina?? Do you mean your vulva/labia? (Technically your vagina is just the birth canal itself.) Fanjo's come in a wide range of shapes and sizes. Have a look at the Great Wall of Vagina (not while at work though!)

My highest weight is over 23 stone but I still felt confident to initiate sex with my partners. You can get through this

Also, I do know what you mean re role playing or dressing sexily - it just feels very cheesy. I tend to be very straightforward instead, i.e. "Fancy a bunk-up?" or texting "Can't wait to see you tonight and get my hands on your delicious body."

Thank you pocketsaviour. I hate everything about my vagina inside and out. The outside is horrible to look at, I have quite large labia that hang down and can often make sex awkward in itself, trying to find your way through it all is like digging for gold. The inside obviously isn't an aesthetic problem but I get wet very quickly and there is a lot of it and I then lose some sensation and I'm sure DP does which makes me very aware sometimes of what is going on instead of just relaxing and having a good time. It's mostly the outside that I hate. Obviously DP probably couldn't care less what it looks like but to me it is unsightly and I actually had someone comment on it years ago asking why on earth it was so ugly (was just an immature person who probably was only used to seeing porn vaj's but still)

I feel like I'm bad at sex too which knocks my confidence. My DP are assures me that I'm the best he's been with but I mean, he has to say that really doesn't he, not like he's going to say oh you're okay but the last girl I was with was absolute dynamite.

I don't think counselling would help, I've never been "open" enough for it because I'm too inside my own head. I suffer with mental health problems and my MH nurse ended up telling me that unless I went in with an open mind, it wouldn't work. I'm too far in my own head plus I think I would cringe horrifically discussing my sexual failings with a stranger. Without sounding too big-headed, I don't think I am unattractive, I am forever getting compliments both from DP and complete strangers but when I look at myself naked I just think, ugh why would anyone want to sleep with me. Of course, being rejected by someone constantly is enough to knock anyone's confidence but I feel like it was so long ago I should be over it by now. I just want to be able to surprise my DP one night when he comes home or being spontaneous and ripping his clothes off or whatever. Right now, it's sex in the dark in bed only when he initiates and it sucks :(

I can't do all the dress up shit either. I never could. It feels stupid and my head is always telling me "he's fucking the clothes, not you".

I think body confidence goes up and down. When it comes down to it, nobody feels 100% great about their body naked - even models, I bet. As for the vulval horror - try to love yours. Mine is nothing like the neat coffee beans most ladies in porn seem to have. I have big inner lips and big outer lips. And a big clit. (Sorry, possibly TMI). But these things all give me immense pleasure and I would not swap them. I don't think anybody has ever commented on my vulva(although it is difficult to speak when I've got them in a headlock). All shapes and sizes and colours are lovely. As long as they are clean and healthy.

My DP likes to do a bit of dirty talk which I love but I just can't do it back, I feel too stupid. Lois, despite how much I dislike how my lady bits look, the way that it's "set out" does make it more enjoyable but I still can't get over not letting my DP see it. I don't really like my boobs much either unless they're in a bra and look fab. I'm a 34C so not tiny but without a bra on, they sag to the sides, if my bra isn't under wired or padded, my cleavage is non-existent because they just fall into my armpits, if they were perky they would be great other than them being covered in stretch marks from when I had my DD.

My problem with initiating is that I don't know HOW to do it. In my head I know a million different ways but when it comes down to it, I just shy away and hope that he initiates. Sometimes I will drop subtle hints that I want to have sex but obviously that's not really enough. When I'm drunk, I often initiate but the alcohol can convince me that I'm the world's greatest pornstar and then if anything weird or awkward happens, I can always blame it on the drink unlike if I'm sober where the weirdness and awkwardness would just be me being weird and awkward, if that makes any sense.

I'm a 40 D or E and definitely saggy. I was never perky even as a teen. Again, no-one's ever commented unfavourably. I've got loads of stretch marks too, on my boobs and tummy. I loathe my tummy but no-one's ever commented on that either. I'd probably drop kick them out the door bollock naked if they did.

Of course, being rejected by someone constantly is enough to knock anyone's confidence but I feel like it was so long ago I should be over it by now.

You're only going to get over it, though, if you actively work at getting over it and increasing your confidence. Otherwise, all that rejection is still sitting there under the surface and still sending up fear signals any time you get close to doing something "dangerous" i.e. initiating sex.

I suffer with mental health problems and my MH nurse ended up telling me that unless I went in with an open mind, it wouldn't work.

That was... helpful of him/her

There is truth in that you need to find the right therapist and you need to trust them, and you need to commit to working honestly on your issues. But nobody expects you to go in to the first session, sit down, and talk about all your deep shit right off the bat.

I would really recommend looking for a counsellor/therapist through the BACP website - you can search by location and by area of interest. I'd probably go for self-esteem based on what you've written, but you may find sexual issues more appropriate.

I know it's a scary thought. But I don't think you would have posted this thread if you didn't want things to change.