dd doesn't want to share me

[muminturmoil]

I would love to hear from others who have been or are in my situation. I'm finding things very stressful and usually someone able to fix everyone elses problems, sometimes at my own expense.
dd's father left when she was 2. I concentrated on building a new life for the both of us. She is now 12 and we have a close relationship and very similar in personality. Slight difference in that she is very aware of peoples feelings and emotions and I love that in her. Makes her a kind and sweet girl. I have given 100% to ensure that she is a well rounded happy girl and everyone comments on how positive and happy she is. She has a good relationship with her father and his partner.
4 years ago i decided i had to try and date again as I felt somewhat ready to have that companionship and didn't want to be a single parent forever. I met a few men whom i just didn't feel were right. dd was none the wiser to any of this and i was careful that anyone i was to meet would need to be right before i introduced them. I finally met someone whom i enjoyed and fell for. I didn't see him during the working week and would meet when dd at her fathers. He was hurt before and was wary. but we have built up a strong connection and care for each other. He is considerate of dd and after 2 years i eventually introduced them. it was strange for them both but they did get on. Our relationship has been up and down with various life challenges and our own insecurities from previous relationship. But we talk and obvious we want to be together.
My two issues that are causing me such anxiety lately to the point that I can't sleep at night and effecting me throughout my day,he has shown no signs of wanting to settle down/commit more. I know he has reservations about marriage etc and takes a long time to actuallydecide on things in life. But he knows i'm at a stage where i want something more concrete. I gave myself a deadline in my head of today that our relationship should be at this stage and it hasn't changed. I'm finding that I'm getting stressed thinking that I want to be in a relationship where i can depend on him and we're together for long haul. I'm feeling a bit of resentment that I can't have the 'family' bond and have a partner that i can turn to knowing i'm not alone in anything.
My 2nd bigger issue is dd. She has met him a good few times now but as a pre-teen I know she's becoming alot more aware of my relationship with him. He was due to come up to us at weekend but I had to cancel as she admitted to me that she doesn't want him around. After much discusssion she admitted that she doesn't in fact want me to meet anyone. she is afraid she will loose my attention/love/bond. I have assured her always that she is number one. she cried so much and felt awful that she was causing me upset but that is how she feels. She has said that it makes her feel anxious and sick to the stomach at the thought of him or anyone in our 'family'. Nothing would change her thinking and the more we discussed the more upset she got, feeling bad at saying what she had but also that this was in fact how she felt for quite some times.

I don't know what to do. On paper I should leave dp and that would be 1 issue solved, because if he doesn't /can't give me that commitment to make things more concrete then I deserve better. It would also mean that dd would be relieved.
But then i'm resolved to not having anyone, not now or future until dd is old enough to have own distractions/life. I love her and the best thing in my life but I'm afraid i'll resent having to be a single parent for her happiness. My life seems to be passing and i'm not happy and don't see a future where i am. I'm slowly feeling despressed and know if idon't do something about this i'll crack.

Can you keep your relationship as it is for now and when dd grows up a bit more she will want more independence and her own social life, which leave you to get more serious with the boyfriend.

I think counselling would be really really good her op. Ask your gp about services in your area. The counseller will be able to make her see her thought pattern doesn't make sense and that you've proved over and over again she's number one.

I think first of all you need to find out what his commitments are towards you. Ask him outright if he wants to settle down and live with you, then you make your decision based on that (with the support of family and MN).

I may be way off base.

But part of his reservation on making things more serious could be because at the moment, you have a "part time" relationship if that makes sense? It isn't wrong of you, obviously your daughter comes first, but at the moment, everything to do with the relartionship is built around her and he could also be feeling that the relationship could disappear at any time due to this. It could be a sort of self preservation thing?

In regards to your daughter, it is obviously important that she feels comfortable, but you shouldn't end a relationship because she doesn't want to share you. You are your own person too and you deserve to be with somebody if that is what you want.

It is important that she knows that she always comes first. But it is also important for her to know that you are allowed a life outside of her as well

Bit of a "perfect storm" OP. Wary potential partner, possessive child about to enter the "Satan with hair straighteners" phase, and you've started a make or break clock.

I'd stop the clock until Christmas, which provides an opportunity to see if DP really wants to do the family thing, and in the meantime try and explain to DD that love comes in different forms. One form doesn't drive out another; they often reinforce each other. Counselling by all means, as third parties can provide distance.

Good luck.

thanks so much, all replies make perfect clear sense to me. I do put others first and i suppose don't want anyone effected/hurt at my own expense.
I know dd needs a 3rd party to talk to about this. It might help her but she has said that she doesn't like dp. She can't explain why. He has always tried to include her. as a couple we wouldn't show much affection in front of others at all. very much individuals, we keep our affection behind closed doors. I'm not one for flaunting and neither is he.
I know it must effect dp. it isn't easy situtaion and also that we don't live together either. part of me doesn't want to let go after getting to this point but the other part of me is saying maybe he isn't right and dd would see and feel comfortable with someone else. however i think she genuinely just doesn't want to feel she has to share me. she's so level headed and sweet and calm in everything else in life. it's awful and soul destroying to think if i want to be happy it's at her expense. that goes against everything i have achieved in making her a lovely child.
i have thought about continuing the relationship without the seriousness. but it would be like going backwards. I can feel already that we're pulling away. I'm not myself at all. I did nc for a while there and told him i needed space and so did he,he hated it and said it was not what he wanted.But nothing has changed and i can't fake how i feel. it's all or nothing but yet i can't uproot/upset dd.
I'm finding my hands shaking and stomach upset at it all and feel i can't do anything right here in whatever decision i make. i'm resenting him for not stepping up but resenting her that i can't have a relationship. I'm slowly forgetting what makes me happy and without sounding drastic it's killing me. i know dd comes first but i'm angry that it has come to this.

Did you say you went NC with your DP? What was the reason for this?

See a counseller would know what questions to ask to find out her actual feelings if that makes sense. So if she said she didn't know the counseller would ask a smaller question and then a smaller question that could help isolate why she feels that way.

OK I think I probably don't hold with the standard Mumsnet view on this. You are entitled to have a relationship, and if your partner is good to you and good to your kid then I'm afraid she pretty much has to suck it up. Having a kid and a divorce doesn't mean that you have to spend the rest of your life alone, in case your precious dears (or anyone else frankly) doesn't approve.

Your children do not have to be your first priority 100% of the time. Sometimes what they want just isn't the best thing for them or anyone else. I am a step child and it was 100% in my interests to be so, but I made my Dad promise when my Mum died (I was 7) that he would never get married again. When he told me he was getting married I was shocked, but even at 10 I could see that it was reasonable.

Does she understand if it's not this man it WILL be another?

One of my DDs was 9 when I met my DP and after 6 years of just us 3 she wasnt keen on sharing me. She was worried I wouldn't have enough love to go around. Fortunately my kids have a counsellor they can see when they want, who told her that I would eventually get over my teenage crush, but that me being happy was basically a good thing. She is still resistant to the idea of us marrying and having official step siblings, but ok with us all living together.

I really hold with the idea of modelling relationships for your kids. So we are affectionate (all of us). I would hate my kids to think you keep your partner at arms length and he always comes second to everything. Also should she be allowed to blackmail you? Without so much as a satisfactory reason?

As to the actual man in question do you talk? Does he understand that he needs to step up or piss off. Sometimes relationships just aren't meant to last the distance. However great they appeared at the beginning sometimes it is better to call it a day.

And would living together be an option for you without all the bells and whistles of marriage. It's an easier place to retreat from than marriage if it doesn't work out.

People who say they've been hurt in the past and are thus wary are often just afraid of commitment.

Most people have been hurt, but even people who have been badly hurt are not put off committing to new relationships.

So you've got a commitment-phobe BF, and a daughter who doesn't want you to commit. Your relationship fits quite well with those things - he's dragging his feet about moving in and she doesn't want him to. But real question is what you want.

It's very important to take dd's feelings into consideration, but at the same time it sounds like she needs to be guided into a new phase where she learns that you can be in a relationship and it doesn't affect your bond. Does she honestly expect you to stay single until she leaves home?

I know a woman who regretfully gave up a good relationship as her eldest daughter said she didn't like him/ want her mum to date etc. When the daughter was older she told her mum should have just ignored her.

Perhaps if she could try living with DP she would find it doesn't affect the bond she has with you - could you go on holiday together for a few weeks? It would need to be long enough to start feeling like a habit I think.

thanks all again for such thought and suggestions and time for replying.
to answer a few: i went n/c with dp as i felt alot of stress over this, it was a month ago and felt that he was dragging his heels and quite content at just plodding along. as we currently don't live together and his job wouldn't let him move to us, i felt in a catch 22 as can't up and move and disrupt our lives without him being 100% sure. he's a plodder and i was happy enough with this until recently where i felt it has been long enough plodding and we should make a decision about future in some shape or form. i felt he needed to understand i was serious and that he needed time alone to miss me/not miss me and know. he did miss me but unfortunately things seem to have gone back to the way they were.
i'm between a rock and hard place because now dd has opened up that i can't ask dp for future plans as dd doesn't want them.
i am beginning to realise, selfishly that i need a life too.
We have tried going away for a few days, dp again plods and when holidays arrive he is always called in to work and only half does the holiday. this annoys me and makes me feel we're just not important enough. But i also don't want to be unreasonable. He isn't one for big holidays and at times i feel i have to force him to take annual leave. while dp has many quirkes that do annoy me and stop our relationship being 'normal' there is a part of me that is content as i don't have to invest 100% of myself. But then i step up and say actually i do want this and he replies by asking what the problem is, we are fine the way were are. I then get frustrated and back to square one. Then dd's words go around in my head and i feel like giving up on it all. Maybe he isn't right, maybe it shouldn't be this difficult. maybe dd can see something in him that i'm blinded by and this is what is scaring me. my brain seems to be totally muddled and days again passing where i'm pretending to be ok.
i do agree dd should see a counsellor to speak to about these issues, whether it is dp or just the idea of sharing me.
I certainly don't want to give her bad example of how a relationship should be. She is alot more touchy feely than me and open in rl and don't think she would have any problems but i worry about showing a good example too.
so confusing and frustrating.