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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's broke it off... Can hardly believe it's happening

38 replies

Londonmummy01 · 31/08/2015 10:08

I've posted before about dp and have know in my heart that the relationship didn't hold any future, me constantly waiting for him to commit, three years of broken promises of moving in, divorce and the list goes on. I've been so down in the mouth lately with it all and this morning he tells me we should break up as HES not happy.
I can hardly believe it. It's what I wanted deep down but I'm still feeling like it just got punched in the stomach. All the hopes and dreams of the past few years just down the drain.
I feel like this relationship has just sucked the life out of me leaving me used and emotionally abused. Feel such a mess I don't know how I'll move on without him.
Sorry for the ramble I've no one to talk to in RL.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/08/2015 10:10

You're allowed to feel hurt, even if it's actually what you really want. In many ways he has done you an enormous favour, making that final move to end it is often the biggest step.

Be kind to yourself, remind yourself that this is the best thing for you. You need someone who can give you a real future. Be grateful you didn't waste any more time on him Flowers

Lulioli · 31/08/2015 10:16

You re in shock at the moment. I feel for you but......you said yourself all the warning signs were clearly there. And YOU wanted the split too. It's like going for an interview for a job you don t really want but when the interviewer rejects you your feelings are indignant 'how dare they?!' Your ego is bruised. Take time to process your feelings. You ll soon come to realise this is a good thing. You ve given him so much and received so very little in return. Walk away and start living your life. Good luck

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 31/08/2015 10:27

Thank you fuckyou and lulioli is think in no doubting myself if aibu? There have been some good times and he loves my dc. I often find him taking advantage in my home treating it like a hotel etc but the thought of being alone is not great either. He's not downstairs playing with dc like nothing's happened. Feel like crap.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/08/2015 10:49

You'll be ok. There are always some good times, even in the worst relationships. You need someone who will properly commit. He may be good with the kids, but he's not committing to them either, and it's not what you want. It'll only get worse the more time you put into it, because you'll feel like you've invested 5, 10, 15 years without ever truly getting the partner you want, but hoping he's about to appear.

You need to accept that this is who he is. He will never be more, and that doesn't make you happy.

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 31/08/2015 12:00

He has accused me of having someone else lately (I don't) but now beginning to think that it is him. He's happily walking around the house smiling packing up some of his things and waiting for a lift to the station! Fucking bastard I feeling like an idiot being mugged off by this man.

OP posts:
ahataloltablue · 31/08/2015 12:01

OP, I was in a similar situation earlier this year without DC. I was shocked but weirdly relieved, and also extremely upset and lost. I can honestly say after 3 months I felt fine and even went on some fun dates. Still have down days but who wants a commitment phobe who holds back your dreams in life? You don't want that and as soon as you're away and have distance from this man, you'll start to recover. X

FeckTheMagicDragon · 31/08/2015 12:09

Sorry OP - is he expecting you to give him a lift to the station? After messing you around and breaking things off? When he's ready to go, walk him to the door ask him for his keys (if he has any) and shut and lick the door behind him.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 31/08/2015 12:09

Lock, not lick. Don't lick the door.

beaglesaresweet · 31/08/2015 12:19

I'm sorry for you OP that you've wasted all this time and he was leading yo uone. At least you've learned (and everyone who reads your thread) not to give any man endless chances after he hasn't kept his word re divorce/miving in within months. Never ever give them more than a year tops!

goddessofsmallthings · 31/08/2015 12:37

This would seem to be another case of cherchez la femme as it's highly unlikely that he's leaving you for a celibate life of woe in a grotty bedsit.

Don't feel sorry for yourself, honey. Celebrate his departure and spare a thought for the poor misguided woman who believes he's the answer to her prayers.

You might not feel like rejoicing at the moment, but fake it till you make it and you can make a start by pasting a great big smile on your face as you wave him goodbye.

bouquetdiva · 31/08/2015 12:42

I wasted 9 years on a man who promised commitment but did not deliver and my last relationship ended 2 months ago after 3 years for the same reasons. I am gutted but thankful that it was not longer. There seem to be a lot of guys out there in their 40s who have never settled because they prefer not to be tied down. They are not honest about that and say exactly what we want to hear. I will avoid these types in the future!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/08/2015 12:43

It Does seem to be common that those having affairs start accusing their partner.

Just more evidence that he's not worth it.

I did chuckle at licking the door :)

You'll never have to put up with his accusations, or treating you like a hotel, ever again. You deserve better :)

MrsSadness · 31/08/2015 12:59

Listen to me. You will be 100% fine. Everything is going to be ok. This will turn out to be the BEST thing that ever happened to you, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
I have been there and I know you deserve better than this man can ever give you.
Do NOT give him a lift to the station. It's time for him to learn what life without you is like and for him that begins with a long walk in the drizzle to the train station. Good luck to him (you don't need luck, you my girl will be just fine!)
X

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/08/2015 13:07

I have been left by someone who I utterly adored and didn't have the strength to leave. It was painful at the time, but with hindsight, he made me incredibly unhappy a lot of the time, and staying together would have been awful. It's a cliche but he really did do me a favour ultimately.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/08/2015 13:09

If it is the case that he's expecting you to chauffeur him to the station, tell him to call a cab, take the bus, or use shanks' pony to catch a train to whoever is counting down the hours/minutes until his arrival.

It's not so much sliding doors as revolving ones and your successor will find herself waving him goodbye when his eyes alight on another likely prospect.

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 31/08/2015 13:11

I did laugh at "lick the door " too magic dragon!
He's now not coming out to dc birthday lunch with family so DC is well upset. Diva your right with these 40+ men just want the best of both worlds I think. I feel like he's never quite let go of exw they speak practically everyday (raised eyebrows) and I have in the earlier days been victim of the frequent comparisons, never matching up I felt. It's funny he left her saying he just fell out of love but probably couldn't stand the commitment of husband and parenting. I know I'll be better of long term (probably) just can't decide if sad angry or just plain going mad right now. Tissues please Confused

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 31/08/2015 13:17

Has he gone?

< tissues > and Wine for you. Dry your tears, put your happy mummy face on, and go have lunch with your family - dc will have a whale of a time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/08/2015 13:33

Hi Londonmummy, I've just been very nosey and looked at your past threads - I see that he was an utter cunt to you after your recent MC as well, so tbh I think you should thank your lucky stars he's leaving.

I know that it hurts, and hurts worse because he's taken the decision out of your hands - but you will be relieved and happier once you get past the initial pain.

I hope that happens soon for you x

WyrdByrd · 31/08/2015 13:37

You sound awesome OP - onward and upward without this dipstick methinks Wine Flowers1

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 31/08/2015 14:06

Sorry mrssaddness I couldn't even follow you instructions, I dropped him off! He was taking root waiting for a lift, the cheek. I know it'll be ok just need to get through today I guess. Deep breathes and a few ????at lunch I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 31/08/2015 14:07

Wine at lunch

OP posts:
ENtertainmentAppreciated · 31/08/2015 14:47

I haven't looked at any of your other posts OP. From what I read here I agree wholeheartedly with Chris and the others.

At the moment you feel poleaxed and will be grieving for what you thought you had, the good things about the relationship that is, not the dark downside.

Seriously, once a little time's passed then you'll start to feel like a weight's lifted from your shoulders and your life'll be all the better for it.
Keep your DCs and supportive family and friends close to you and look after yourself Flowers

AWayToGo · 31/08/2015 17:13

Make those people who make you important (ie DC) the focus of your life. Don't waste any more time and emotion on that tosser.

Original poster
Londonmummy01 · 31/08/2015 18:51

Back home feeling angry [angry. At him for all his crap and at myself for believing it. DC is miserable dp showed up at the lunch dropped his gift off and left.
I've since sent two nasty texts Blush I know not very grown up and I don't feel any better.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/08/2015 18:55

Put the phone down :) make a fuss of DC. Remind yourself what an idiot he is, and then do something nice with DC. Film? Wine? Hide your phone for the night? You'll get through this and wonder what you ever saw in him Wine