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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't see woods for trees..

10 replies

Mylastname80 · 30/08/2015 22:38

A little background for me...
I'm married (7 years) with 3 children (6,4,2)
I've been unhappy for a long time, but I still don't know if I'm going right or wrong. I'm confused really and just can't see clear.
DH works very long hours and kids and I rarely see him much in the week. Often works from home at weekend so we never end up doing anything together. This is nothing new btw.
I'm a full time sahm and we moved after we married to London so he could be in a better position for work ect.
I really don't have friends or family anywhere close which is probably why I'm posting here.
The long hours have been an issue (I'm talking going out at 6.30 and back after 8, often 10pm) plus not engaging with us at weekends ect.) But I think the main issue is the lack of any emotional relationship.
DH can be very critical, he knows when to kick me when I'm down or offer sarcastic comments but I've put up a wall and just block it out now.
Sometimes I just think I'm maybe exaggerating or OTT and that I should just be grateful he keeps us materially well. He's on a good income and materially we're pretty good.

He's often given me days of silent treatment on end over trivial things but this past week for example just some stuff I feel a bit down about.

Last week I was on my period and he came into the bathroom after asking if I'd put the nappies out including my 'nappy'.
He had a big sulk yesterday as he'd had minced twice in a row (shepherds pie one night and Chilli the next) He had a go about that ad ten today went into a sulk because I'd bought a film off Amazon prime (his bank account is connected to the prime TV) for te kids to watch( £4.00) and has said he was changing the password. I felt really patronised and commented many married couples share bank accounts etc and I couldn't really see an issue and he said if we did, he'd go bankrupt!!
Obviously we don't share accounts. He gives me a 'home maintenance allowance' every month and I get all the food ect.

He'll often turn his nose up or make a face at what I've made for dinner or not even eat it at all just to make a point.
It's almost like he's digging at me. He'll comment on what I buy the kids to wear or how I dress them in a derogatory way or just about anything I do.
I'd spent ages doing the garden last week and he said he liked it before or tat he would have done it differently.

Anyway, This again is nothing new, it's years old and every so often I wonder if I'm just over sensitive or going mad.

I'm really tired and drained at the moment, I pretty much manage the kids single handedly (to my memory he has never bathed or put tem to bed as that is my job) which doesn't bother me too much but it's the digs on top that exhaust me.

OP posts:
ARV1981 · 30/08/2015 22:55

He doesn't sound very nice.

What are you getting from this relationship? Marriages are a partnership between equals. Does this sound like your relationship?

You deserve to be treated better.

I would look at your options for leaving. You won't get another life, seems a shame to spend it being unhappy.

Flowers
Aqualady · 30/08/2015 23:01

He Sounds really horrible and you don't have to live with some one that that. You must be feeling terrible.

What can you do to get out of this situation? Many moons ago I walked out of a very unhappy relationship with my child and a bin bag full of clothes. It can be done if you want it. Flowers

Mylastname80 · 30/08/2015 23:03

Nothing really ARV. I feel really uncomfortable tbh as on occasion he'll try to come on to me in bed but because there's nothing else there it just doesn't feel 'normal?' I think I've completely shut down. When he does try and be nice (usually if sex is on the cards or he thinks he's pushed me too far) I don't feel it's genuine as I'm always 'on guard'. It never lasts long but just enough every few weeks to keep me tagging along I guess. Then I feel guilty myself for thinking about him that way!!!

OP posts:
Macadaamia · 30/08/2015 23:06

Oh I feel so bad for you! I also left a marriage that echoes this.

Mylastname80 · 30/08/2015 23:08

Aqua, my mum knows that I'm unhappy but not much about it and last time I saw her she offered to help me if I needed to get my own place for a while which was really nice to know.

I think I've been confused for so long it just kind of becomes the norm.
I'm sure I'd be happier by myself and I wouldn't miss him but I'm always worried about him. How would he cope ect? (honestly, it's mad!)

OP posts:
Aqualady · 30/08/2015 23:17

mylastname take her up on her offer.

The worrying about him I understand. I felt like that too. It's because our self esteem is so bashed and ground down we automatically put them first. They cope quite fine, they always do.

It's hard leaving. I had to wait for a big row. It's even harder staying away. Really hard. But after a few months I started to see how shit things really were. I hate the fact I stayed five years longer than I should.

Don't let him grind you down

ARV1981 · 30/08/2015 23:18

Who cares how he'd cope! He should be kinder to you.

You should take your mum up on her offer. Sounds like she's supportive, that's brilliant.

Mylastname80 · 30/08/2015 23:24

Thank you both. Are you coping ok now? I guess you know you did the right thing. Are you happier deep down?
I've no worries about living alone. I think I'd be just fine. I'm stressed out all the time at the moment just waiting for him to find fault with something.
How about your kids?

OP posts:
Aqualady · 30/08/2015 23:31

I stayed single for a quite a few years then I met my dp and had dd2 and trying for dc3. He is lovely, kind and has far too much patience for me Grin

It's hard work being a single mum but I'd have that any day than being stuck with an arse hole. Dd1 is fine but she rarely sees her dad as he is a wanker with her now. She has just turned 20 so she doesn't have to see him if she doesn't want to. Have a chat with your mum about it. Can you imagine what you would say if one of your kids told you their partner was doing this to them?

3mum · 31/08/2015 10:39

This just sounds like a really negative relationship to be in. You don't have to do it you know! Do you want to look back in ten years on ten more years of living like this?

Could you arrange a free half hour to see a solicitor to get some advice on your position? Maybe leave the children with a friend? You might find that you are in a better position than you thought.

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