When you love each other but you can't agree..

[gabyjane]

We've had a turbulent relationship to say the least. That will be our punishment for leaving our partners for each other. 6 years of tears, causing others heartache & upsetting our children.
I am not in any way minimising that part, it's been hard work which like I said was our fault but I felt we'd got to a point now where things have settled with everyone. Both ex's have had partners for the last few years and the kids now speak to us and we go out as a unit which is lovely.

But I am still dealing with things that I hoped would have changed.
Of course when we got together he told me all the usual..he wanted to marry me, he wanted children, to live together etc..deep down I knew the first 2 would never happen neither did I want them but we did move in together after 6 months. I feel it's the only thing we don't fall out over. We work very well as a couple, both work hard and enjoy the same things.

Things have generally been good..arguments about ex's, the children have come and gone then last year I caught him texting a female friend, I know your all thinking 'what goes around comes around' but he is a family man, still totally devoted to his children & was in a very long marriage just fell out of love and I'd never have imagined he'd do anything so I made a decision to get past it.

We've had rows about it, he thinks I should get over it..then I caught him again..nothing substantial, said he was suffering stress & depression from the last few years and needed someone to talk to. He saw a councillor in the new year and on life went. One of the things he said at his meetings was he would like to get his house sold but felt guilty effectively kicking his family out. I understood and haven't mentioned it ion probably the first 4+ years.. I did though say that after all this time I'd have hoped a divorce was on the cards. He agreed but nothing's happened. He's told me he's got no intention of selling the house either.

Queue quite a few friends separating and him telling me how they are 'selling up & going there own ways' 'divorcing' etc and I lost my temper..told him I'm fed up of feeling like the other woman..that we can't progress as a couple while he's still in the position he was 6 years ago.

I know I deserve it..I know the grass isn't always greener (although for me it has been, my ex was a gambling lying cheat) I guess I feel we've tried to be as sensitive & thoughtful to everyone we hurt and now it's time we were allowed to move on but he's not doing anything about it, I want to feel like it's me him and the children not him his wife then me.

I love him and feel totally in limbo what to do..hang around for another 6 years...hoping...

He's starting to cheat on you but your posts are all about housing and your long term future with him. Give your head a wobble.

I think he is a gluttonous eater of cake, standing at the all you can eat cake buffet with a giant cake fork in his hand and delicious cake all over his face. He's never going to break off completely from his ex and focus all his attention on you OP. He likes to keep you both on the scene and you on your toes. Oh and a few little delightful fondant fancy extras on the side. I'd leave him to it, OP.

He's starting to cheat on you but your posts are all about housing and your long term future with him. Give your head a wobble.

^ This ^

His lack of commitment is demonstrated by his dodgy texting behaviour not whether he sells his children's home. The house is a red herring and it's what your latching on to distract you from your partner's dodgy behaviour.

Of course this was an exit affair (staying for the kids my arse). You're in denial OP, just listen to yourself, "It was the right decision being with him" and life would be perfect if; he included you in decisions that effect you and your relationship, financially detached from his Ex, stopped texting other women and stopped treating you like an option.

You've made your bed and your intent in lying in it, being in a relationship where you're considered an option is a very high price to pay to save face.

It's time to be honest with yourself because denial appears not to be doing it for you like it did in the past.

Reubs & lavender thanks for your replys.

I talked to him last night. It was clear I'm on a totally different wavelength and I get so angry trying to make him understand my outlook & needs.
It turned horrible as it does and I walked away from the pointless arguing.
We have talked again this morning. He says he is getting a legal doc sorted at the solicitors that the house will be sold before or when youngest is 16. He told me last night neither ex (which I know) doesn't want to move nor does youngest (I didn't know this)
That's the deal.
I did tell him marriage & buying a house isn't on the cards so some may think I'm being totally unreasonable but it's the fact it 'cant' happen.
He isn't texting anymore (or so I would hope) I really don't think he would jeopardise his kids if he did it again.
I've told him I suggest he gets himself sorting stuff out ASAP as I'm not going to hang around forever

Do you have DC with him? Is this what you mean by jeopardise his DC?

Your talk didn't go so well then. It does sound as though it's the end of the relationship.

And you're still focussing on the house and ignoring the other stuf because......

I don't see why you think it's ok to pressure him to selling the family home so that you feel like he's moved on.

I don't think he sounds like a particularly nice or reliable person, but I do respect him for thinking about his kids.

If you felt more ok in your relationship with him you wouldn't require him to make this kind of gesture.

And to be honest, his contacting other women is more to the point.

Didn't see any of the replies I can see now since I last replied.

Ok trying to answer everyone's points..

The texts were a year ago..in won't go in to the inns and outs but I made the decision to get on with it. I know who she is and have to believe the reason he did it or I'd have left then.

Aside from the normal relationships people have with step children/ex's after long marriages life has been good. I just feel after this long it's time to start moving on.

Lavender honey no they are separate children

It's easy for people in normal situations to not sympathise why it's so hard to walk away. When you go from a long term relationship into another with someone there will be hitches and I'm trying to work out what to do.

Twinkle stein it's been 6 years before I've started asking? How many years do most people leave it before trying to move on more?

It would bother me that he is still married to another woman.

6 years.

Divorces do not take that long.

What do you mean about jeopardising his relationship with his kids if he did it again?
The divorce would bother me. The house wouldn't as you're not planning to buy a house together.

One direction I agree, however he has left it as felt we did enough damage leaving our ex's. The divorce has been on the cards for a while but neither want to pay..ex has now lost the marriage cert..

Reubs I mean he was in such a long marriage, took a massive thing to leave, the guilt of leaving his children's been horrendous. The impact on his kids would be awful if they thought he'd done it again. The texting (he told me) was for support. He has very few friends so I accepted that although a female and some parts a bit out of the ordinary I had to trust him.
The house I guess I haven't got much choice. By the time it may sell he will struggle to get a mortgage, I feel now he would but that is his choice.

You can't force him to sell the house that his wife and kids live in, legally. But why the duck would you be pressuring him to do this anyway??

And yes, I think you are awful complaining about his child coming round on your day off, because you work at a nursery. Poor kids

Fuck not duck

Him whistling at the PC while you're beside yourself says it all to me.

He doesn't care op. This sounds like death by a thousand cuts.

But I don't think you're going to leave him, sadly.

I paid for my divorce even though my ex was ordered to pay.

My Dp wanted me to be divorced and I wanted it too.

It was worth every penny.

You can get a copy of your marriage certificate from the registrar office.
I was also willing to pay for thus if need be.
Depends how much you want something.

Unfortunately I don't get Get the impression your dp is keen to divorce.

Bullet..I'm not 'making' him sell the house, I was trying to gauge whether we would ever be able to buy our own house/me be able to not feel like he was still going in 'his' house this far down the line. If they went there own ways he'd be going round to see his kids in her house not their marital home. I suppose with the dragged on divorce its all got rather overheated.
And no I don't complain when he comes round, I do get cross when it's late at night (last time dropped off Late picked up past 11pm) or the numerous times when the ex goes off with her bf. dp pays maintenance etc yet he only stays when she wants him to..stupid him I guess not sorting it out, something else I've suggested for everyone's sakes but nothing.

Springy he says it's his way if dealing with it..that deep down he's upset and wants to talk but we find it hard..I generally hate whistling anyway whoever does it!

One d..well it's in the ex's hands again..can't quite work out whether it's him or her if I'm honest..your right why can't he apply for it..haven't asked but how long roughly do they take to get a copy of does anyone know?

And for anyone who thinks I wouldn't leave..your wrong. If this man wasn't great in other ways I'd have walked a long time ago. I love him and want to be with him and have things that other people have..security is important for me, we've moved house 5 times in the last 5 years and I guess I feel unsettled. My fault though for giving up what I had. Will see how things progress.

Agree that if he's not sorted things out by now it doesn't look like he has any intention of doing so.

Five moves in as many years correct me if I am wrong this sounds like drifting and not settling, no wonder you are desperate for him to show signs of putting down roots and meanwhile his ex and their DCs sit snugly in the old family home. If he has shown every sympathy for them not wanting to uproot, I think more of him for that than the man who calls it a day and expects everybody around him to fall in line and up sticks. But after six years you are not unreasonable for hoping that the adults in this can go on to the next stage. It is between the two of them and he knows perfectly well you aren't happy.

I might be way off beam here but as long as relevant details are completed and payment is made up front, in region of £10, I think a copy marriage certificate need only take about three-five days to get sent on request from the local authority concerned. And lots of city councils offer an express service, (should cost £20-30 for getting it in two days).

It must have been a slap in the face hearing he needs treatment for stress and depression he's suffered for the past few years, conspicuously the time you have been together. Whatever you felt for each other at the outset has dwindled.