Is he Controlling? What would you do if you in my situation? Warning: LONGGG

[thestairs]

Hello, thank for you this wonderful forum. I really love this forum, everybody is so nice here.
In April I did come here for advice regarding to my husband have baby fever and we trying to buy a house in 2016
And regarding my struggling with my Chinese parents who disapproved my husband solely because he's African. My parents disown me after I choose to married him. I recieved alot of great advice from here. Thank you very much, I really appreciated it.
I'm from USA, hope it is okay for me to continue ask advice here. There something happened for the past week of in my marriage, and I need advice, so today I make this thread. Please help give me advice if you have the time to spare.

My apology for my bad grammars, I'm Chinese and English is my third language.
I'm sorry this a longgg post. Warning: LONGGG post ahead..
I know everyone time is precious, so please skip it if you don't have the time to spare. Thank you very much and I really appreciated for your help. Please tell me if my husband is controlling or not? What would you do if you in my situation. Maybe I'm being over-analytical?

A bit of my background, I feel that this might be the roots of my problem.
I didn't have a good childhood. I grow up hearing my mother belittle me, verbally/emotionally abusive to me, and taking out her anger on me. It is the daily verbally abuse and belittle that strip down all my self-worth. To her, I worth less than a dog on the street.
I left my mother house more than a decade ago, and started my life over from scratch. It was really hard being a girl and alone out there in life, but it was all worth it because of freedom. I'm not a fish in a bowl, I'm not a bird in a cage, I'm not a remote control for my mother to control.

All my life, I work at mininum wage jobs. It not a lot of money, but I was able to survived on my own without anyone help. I don't need my controlling mother at all.
To me the minimum wage jobs help give me self-worth. It help me know that I at least worth something, that I'm not worth less than a dog on the street like how my mother belittle me.

I was able to make my own choice for my own life, this was what I always goes after. Freedom and independence is the most important thing to me, to me it is like breathing.

Fortunately, I'm married to a very patience and understanding guy. My husband know all about my emotional childhood baggage and he accept it all. He accept me for who I am.
I make it loud and clear that after marriage and when we have kids, I will always continue to work minimum wage job. And he okay with it, because he knows how much this minimum wage job help give me with my self-worth.
NEVER once he went back on his words on me.. But now seem like he change his mind, regarding let me work when pregnant and after have kids.

Right now I work in Retail (Shoe department), pay hourly and commission. In Retail you have to be on your feet, running back and forth cashier register, get shoe for customers to try on, etc...
It not always busy. There times when it slow, but it will definately get busy when the Thanksgiving/Christmas holiday season come.

My husband have baby fever. And I promise him that we TTC in 2016, and it approaching up.
He is the type guy that always let me have things my way so I can be happy. He doesn't argue with me, he doesn't disagree with me. So far there no fighting or arguments in our marriage. It been a smooth and peaceful marriage. So peaceful that ugh.. sometimes I ask myself, if me and him are normal or not.

Well, now he no longer always let me have things my way. He now voice his opinion and said his needs. He said that I should quit my Shoe Retail job, and get an office job instead.
An Office job like receptionist, any office/desk type of job. As long as I be sitting instead of running around on my feet. And his reasons are below:

---An Office job will be better for me during pregnancy and post-pregnancy. Since we will TTC in 2016, he said I should start looking for an Office job now.
He doesn't want me to carried my pregnant stomach be on my feet getting shoe for people to try on, like how my Retail job is.. He make it very clear that he doesn't want me to be pregnant, and work in Retail, at all.

---He said because I know how to use well Microsoft Office: Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint and Word.
And I type over 120 word per minute. And I speak fluently 3 languages. He thinsk I should use these skills to get an office job.
I did work at an office job once; at a Chinese dentist office, but it was a long time ago in the past. But that count as I had some experience.
He thinks I should use my skills and previous experience to go find an office job now.
He said any office job I want, Chinese Dentist office, Chinese Doctor office, business office, anything I want. As long as it an office job.

---My husband work a lot. He work 1 full time job M-F weekdays. And 1 part time job Sat-Sun weekend.. So he wants us to spend time together as much as we can. We always eat late dinner together.
But when Retail job get very busy during Thanksgiving Black Friday/Christmas time, I will have to work late and miss out dinner with him.
He doesn't want me to work late during holiday time in Retail. He wants me to be at home and spend holiday family time with him.

---He said he make enough for me to stay home. So if I want to work, it MUST be an Office job. Or else stay home, TTC and give birth to a healthy baby.
He far far from rich. But he does make almost 4 times more than me, and he also get yearly raise. Financially it not a problem.
We both are Not big spender, and we both are Debt-free. He alone make $70,000 a year, sometimes a bit more. He doing fine by himself alone with his income.

But I feel that he not getting it, it NOT about the money. It about my childhood experience, and my need of freedom and independence.
Arg! But he make it very clear that If it not an Office job. Then he wants me to stay home give birth, and stay home care for the baby.

---He knows I married him resulted in my family disown me. My mother didn't approved him, she thinks I bring shame to the family. And make her 'Lose face" to the close-knit Chinese community where she live.
I have a lot of pressure from my family and the Chinese community where my mom live. I feel "isolated" because I have zero family support, zero family to turn to.
He knows all about this, and he knows how "isolated" I feel. So get an Office job at Chinese Dentist/Doctor office. Perhaps it can let me be closer to the Chinese environment and closer to my roots.

In defense of my husband, it NOT his fault that my abusive Chinese mother disapproved him. My mom disapproved him solely because she doesn't like his ethnicity. He's African.

Anyways, about this Office job situation. I know my husband probably just want the best for me.. But what bothering me is that he knows all about my childhood struggling. He knows how important independence is to me. He knows how much I hate when someone trying to make choices for my life.
I struggle alot internally inside, I fight so hard to break free from my mother controlling. I fight hard to have the freedom that I have right now, the freedom to make my own choice.

But now my husband is making the choice for me. He pick a job for me to work, the job that he wants aka Office job. He make it very clear that it must be an Office job, or stay home and let him support me.

I don't love Retail. Retail is not my passion. I don't love running around getting shoe for customers to try on.. But Retail was my choice, the choice I make. Just like the choice I make when I chose him over my family. But I have no regrets, because it my choice, the choice I that make myself.
Now I feel that he trying to take my freedom to make a choice.. If now I listen him and get the office job just because he told me so. That means I lose this battle, the battle I fight so long to get my freedom and independence.

Is what my husband doing is controlling? Or he over-protective? Or maybe I'm being over-analytical?
Just to be fair to him, he does have the tendency to be over-protective. Like he doesn't let me to climb on a chair to change the dead lightbulb on top of the ceiling. He worried I will fall off the chair.. He doesn't let me carried supermarket bags, he doesn't let carried laundry. He prefer to carried it all for me.
He doesn't let me do anything heavy around the house at all. All the maintenance and heavy things around the house he volunteer do it.. All I have to do is cook and wash dishes.

He keeps pressing me to start looking for an Office job now. Frankly, I don't have have listen to him and keep work in Retail. But then I feel that there will be an Argument going on, because he make it very clear that he wants me to work in an Office job environment.

I climb on a little chair, and he get worried that I will fall. With the way he is, No way he will let me work in Retail being on my feet while pregnant.. I don't know why he always over-protective ,maybe it because I'm only 4'11

I not sure what I should do. Half of me say that he right, because office job is better for me during pregnancy and post pregnancy. But then half of me is fighting inside; because of my childhood, I hate hate it when someone make a choice for me and make choice for my life.

If you in similar marriage situation as me, what would you do? Regarding my husband and his keep pressing for me to get an Office job.
I'm sorry for the long post and vent. It just so much struggling I have inside, all these internal conflicst inside I keep having. I need clarity. Arg!

This year I'm 30, he's 29 (he turn 30 next month in September)
I don't know if the baby can wait, but I promise him we TTC in 2016 next year. And he remind me to to remember what I promise him.

He is a planner. He works hard to secure everything for us, financially and emotionally. He always save money for our future baby, save money for rainy days and save for our future.. He try his best to secure everything for me.
So far he have been an awesome husband. He always protective of me. He affectionated, he caring, he secure everything from financial to emotional. I thought we have an peaceful marriage, until now.. He pressing it to be 'his' ways now when it come to the baby.

He said I can work if I want, just get an Office job. If not an office job, then stay home TTC, give birth to baby and care for the baby.. I did try talk to him, and we always back in square one. Get the job that he wants aka Office job. You know what I mean?
So pretty much I have no choice? But to get the Office job like he wants? Or else likely we will begin to have arguments and fighting in our marriage?

Hi OP,I remember your previous thread.I don't think from that and what you've written hear he sounds controlling,more concerned with your welfare.However if you don't want to leave your job then you shouldn't,nor should you TTC if you aren't ready.Dont do anything you aren't happy with just to appease him,stand your ground.i would also advise not giving up work,IMO it's important for women to keep their independence and be able to look after themselves come what may.However that's just my opinion.Sorry probably not the best advise but someone more useful will hopefully be along soon.

i can understand why he'd like you to have a desk based job instead of one where you are constantly on your feet. I can't imagine it would be very comfortable for you to be standing and running around when you're heavily pregnant. Have you thought about how you would manage on a practical level in your current job whilst pregnant?

i feel you are using your skills to your full potential in your current job. you have good office package skills AND are multi-lingual - that could earn you far more money than you are currently earning. i know money is NOT the point but it WILL become important once you are on maternity leave (when you're too heavily pregnant to go to work) and after the baby is here. A lot of companies have a policies which mean you have to be working for them for a certain amount of time before you are 'allowed' time off for pregnancy and they keep your job safe....so i understand why he is asking you to start looking now.

have you tried looking for other jobs through employment agencies? you have some really good skills and could work as a translator for example, with the skills you have you could find a job that pays well AND allows you to carry on working from home or whenever it suits you.....which would prove very valuable once the baby is here.

i stress the importance of using your skills to get a better paid job because it is VERY important that you have financial independence and money saved just in case you need it - be that for an emergency or if one day you want to leave your husband. Savings are a safety net and you never know what life will throw at you.

i have had a very similar childhood and life to you and i can understand why you feel this way. i don't think he's trying to control you. i do think that for people like us it can be very difficult to listen to someone else give us 'advice' because it automatically takes us back to the past and can feel like we are being 'told/controlled'. my advice to you would be to sit down and have a good think about how you would manage both physically, financially and energy wise - both while you're pregnant AND afterwards.

sorry, grammar mistake, i meant "i don't feel you are using your skills to your full potential"

OP from what you've written he sounds concerned/very caring. I'd hate to have been a mother working retail hours and having to work holidays/weekends too! I think you should write a list of pro's and cons office job vs. retail. Think about long term, with kids etc.

Also I think you are confusing him caring for you with your moms controlling behaviour, he is not your mother. I also think the major difference in what you see as control from him comes from a place of love, thats what it seems like from your post, whereas your mom was not a place of love? Don't make him pay for your moms sins. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, good luck.

You are a bright, articulate and strong woman.

You seem not to want an office job, and your low self esteem resulting from your childhood has led you to feel minimum wage jobs are all you are worthy of. You say retail is not your passion. What is your passion? I am sure your lovely husband would support and encourage you in whatever career would make you happy.

You need to think about what you want.
Do YOU want a baby, in 2016 or anytime?
Do YOU want an office job?

These are not questions you have to answer here but to ask yourself, think deeply about it and try to give yourself the answers.

It is possible that with your background and controlling mother that you will immediately react badly to anyone trying to tell you what to do.

I think you need to think about what you actually want. You say retail is not your passion. Do you think you would prefer an office job if you didn't feel so pushed into it?

And you need to have a long talk with your DH. Would it be helpful to show him what you have written above, as it sets out your feelings and the reasons behind them very well. He might put a bit less pressure on you if he realised exactly how it was making you feel.

And don't start trying for a baby until YOU feel ready

It's good to think about your d. am job bcs it's likely you could have your dream job AND your freedom. Win/win . You say shoes aren't your passion - so what is your passion?

But no, he can't dictate what you do. From what you've said he doesn't sound controlling, he just feels strongly about this. Perhaps he is pressing his opinion strongly (bcs he cares and wants the best for you?) but this comes across as controlling to you? Bcs of your mother. That said, in an office job you will be required to do things someone else's way and it may be an environment that wouldn't suit you. It may be an idea to go to college to get good qualifications so you could get a work role where you are the boss! Or you could have your own business so you are in charge...

It may be an idea to get some c ounseling for the awful experiences in your childhood. This could be a way you could learn to be free from the fear off being told what to do (which is limiting your life). Also couples counseling may be a way you could talk about this problem?

Good luck. You sound lovely!

Just to echo what someone posted about, you are multi-lingual - that may just seem normal to you but in the west (inc US) it's a huge skill. Most English speakers don't have a second language let alone third.
By all means I would say stay in retail if it's your passion but you say it is not, so don't sell yourself short. I'm sure there are jobs you could do that make better use of your language skills, pay better, less physical work and don't mean giving up your freedom - in fact in a way you would have even more freedom and independence with a higher paying job.

You are 30. You are an independent adult. Surely you are outgrowing your need to allow your child hood miseries to continue to dictate your life? Do you still want your mothers treatment of you to be defining who you are at 40? 50?

Why don't you start looking for another job. take your time, look around, see what is out there. You only need apply if it is something you genuinely like the sound of. You may have to apply for many many jobs before you actually get one anyway.

I don't think your husband is controlling, I think he is right. It makes no sense to continue in a minimum wage job you don't even like, when you are qualified for so much more.

I agree with the others.

Your H loves you and cares for you. He sees this great multilingual woman with great pc/typing skills and thinks (correctly) you can do much better for yourself.

It will be hard when pregnant so why do it if you don't have to?

An office job is an easy option to suggest to someone with your skill. What would you like to do if not that?

As for chairs we have all done it however it isn't sensible. Also for example in my case why go up and down ladders to paint ceilings when at the time 6 ft 3 boyfriend can stand and do it easily?

You say you promised to TTC in 2016. Do YOU really want this or is it for him?

I would find it incredibly irritating to live with someone who wouldn't 'let' me do some normal adult things like DIY. That, to me, is very controlling. If you don't want to work in an office, don't. I would be very worried that once a baby comes along you will suddenly not be 'let' go out or spend money or have a job ever again...

I think there are a lot of issues at play.

Your husband - I don't doubt he is coming at this from a 'caring' angle, but there is also no doubt in my mind that telling someone they have to work in a certain industry is controlling. I mean, he could 'sell' it to you, he could reason with you, he could persuade you, but to say 'this way or you stay home' IS controlling. Your instincts are perhaps more attuned to this behaviour than others because of your upbringing - it doesn't mean that your instincts are wrong.

But then as a pp said, I agree that you have such low self-esteem that you can't see your own worth wrt the job market - you are multi-lingual with great skills. You could be doing so much better for yourself work-wise. And what is the point spending your time doing something you're not passionate about, when you do have choices?

So I am sitting right on the fence here. He may be being unreasonable, but actually, he may also be right...

What do you want OP? For you, in your life?

Also, you know, having arguments is healthy. It's not the end of the world to let loose a little bit. What's the worst that can happen? Do you feel you're walking on eggshells a lot of the time?

In practical terms, your husband is right that an office job would be easier on you when pregnant and returning to work as a new mum, and would also give you more time to spend with the family.

However, I have a similar background to you and I would be bloody furious if a partner tried to dictate my career choices to me!

He is not your boss or your parent; he doesn't get to pick what you do and do not do.

You come across as intelligent and articulate; you are multi-lingual and have good typing and admin skills. If you want to get a different job which will use your skills better, then do it - but do it for yourself, not because he's stamped his feet and thrown a tantrum.

Since July. I have try Counseling to talk about my childhood emotional baggage. It didn't help much, if it help much then I wouldn't be here with this thread.
My therapist said it very clear that this NOT a husband problem. But it is a "ME' problem, 'MY' problem.
She said I need to work on myself. Because subconciously I still let my childhood experience my abusive mother effect my adulthood. I still let my mother drive a wedge into my marriage.

It barely more than a month I try counseling session to talk about my childhood. Maybe it still not long time enough? Maybe it not the right therapist? It probably will take a while before I can get my normal meter back.
I just feel that my normal meter just so broken, so broken to the point that I don't know if any therapist can help me snap out of it.

I don't know if I'm fighting internally inside it because of my childhood baggage. Or I'm fighting just for the heck of fighting just to make a point.
It just bothering me. I don't know why but it bothering me.

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My husband know about my childhood baggage, and he try his best to make me feel better
When we married, he see how much pressure I have regarding my Chinese mother disapproval of our marriage, solely becasue my mother doesn't like his ethnicity.
He said when I feel grief, he feels grief too.

He said we can start over at another state. If that means I can forget about my childhood, forget about my abusive mother and forget the pressure from the Chinese community.
He said we can move to the South, he have relatives/family members in Georgia. He wants to take me move there; we start over with just me and him, and our future children.

All he asked me is for some time, because he can't just quit his 2 jobs immediately the next day and move.
He is a planner, so he needs some time to find new jobs a the new state. Find new place to live, and have everything prepare and ready at the new state before we move; he just wants to secure everything first before we move.. When everything ready, all I have to do is move with him.

But I scream No!! I don't want to move.
He born and raise in westcoast. His mom here, his 2 jobs are here.
I know he sacrifice for me, when give me the option that we can move to the South, he do it because of me. Because he see how much pressure I have from my Chinese family.
I know moving to the South with him will solve anything in my childhood emotional baggage. Because this is an 'emotional' problem for me, I will carried it with me regardless of anywhere I go. So why torture him?

My husband really patience and understanding.
I'm a difficult girl to live with, because I always test his love and patience. He passed it all, he still here and still being patience with me.

He said put all those hard days of my childhood behind me, and let him take care of me.. And yeah, my brain is screaming and interpret it as he taking away my freedom independence.
I know my normal meter is broken, even my therapist say so. I just don't know 'how' to snap out of it. Or 'when' will I snap out of it.
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Controlling link with selfish right? I might not know what controlling means, but I do know what selfish means.

He a caring guy and he thinks of me first. I don't think he's a selfish person at all.
He have 1 job he get pay weekly, and 1 job he get pay bi-weekly.
Every time he get pay, he always bring back those New $100 dollars bills, with the (s) as in more than one $100 dollars bills. He puts the money in the wallet at home for me.
Every.single.time. he get pay he do that..

He said spend it on anything I want. Go shopping and spend it, buy things for myself.
But I don't want to spend it, because I myself have a job too (eventhough it minimum wage) And from my original post, I already explained. I value independence above all. I don't want to depend on him.

I told him I put the money in the saving. Because I don't spend it, the money keeps add up weekly, as he keep put money into the wallet at home for me to use/spend.
I don't use/spend or. And I can't have these cash laying around, so I have to put it in saving.

I know he work hard for our little family future. And I appreciate him for that. But I don't now why I don't have any clarity, it like I'm still stuck in the past of my childhood. The childhood of my mother belittle me and say I worth nothing. I have no self-worth. I know me stuck in this childhood past is letting my mother win. But I can't seem to snap out of it. And therapy is not helping much. I'm scare I'm forever doomed in this childhood past.

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I talk my husband, I said that I need some more time to work on myself, work on my childhood emotional baggage. And that if we can wait till 2017 to try to concieve.
He said IF I'm not ready in 2016 then we can wait and try to concieve in 2017

BUT.. he still said that I should start looking and get an Office job. Because I know how to use well Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint and Word.
And I type over 120 word per minute, and I speak fluently 3 languages. He thinks it wasted if I don't use this skills to work in an office, instead of in Retail running around get shoe for people to try on.
He say he doesn't want to see me running around on my feet in Retail.
It like he keep pressing me to get an Office job.

He never argue with me. Eversince we married, He always let me have things my way. The marriage have been very peaceful.
Until now, the first time he voice up his opinion. He said he wants me to work in office job.
Eversince we married, this is the first time he tell me what he wants. Usually he go along with what "I" want.

He needs to learn that distance won't get you over your past, wherever you move to your past will come with you.

He also needs to understand that you do not need to be managed and dictated to and that you are perfectly able to and entitled to make your own choices.

You don't sound like you will be ready to try for a child and are going to do so only to appease him. Likewise he's now pressing you to change jobs or give up work which is against your wishes.

However nice he is there is a pattern of him believing he knows best and you caving n because you think you owe it to him more than you owe it to yourself to live in a way that suits you.

He is being controlling and you're letting him. I fear this will continue, if it not the baby or the job it'll be something else.

I'm not sure he is controlling. He may be despairing because your emotional baggage is really limiting your, and therefore his, current life - eg you can't enjoy yourself or enjoy the benefits of marriage because you are afraid of being dependent on someone. Marriage is all about being dependent on someone else, about risking that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but trust has to be there to some degree. Or interdependence to some degree. A team?

I don't think one session with a therapist is going to cut it. It won't even begin to touch the surface. I'm surprised the therapist had so much to say because ime of therapy the therapist kept quiet a lot of the time, nudging now and again, and let me find my own way. You could try a different therapist but imo it's going to take a good chunk of therapy - years? - to make a significant difference. This was my experience, anyway: it took years to undo all the damage done in my childhood. Plus it's an ongoing process, it's something I have to keep my eye on, probably for the rest of my life.

While you will take your problems with you if you move, there is something to be said for moving away from the scene of battle. If there is a significant chinese community where you live (though I assume there is a significant chinese community in a lot of cities, just not your community...?) it may help to get away from it, to get it out of your face? I'm not saying you should or you shouldn't, just that it is not always a bad idea to 'do a geographical' ie to move to get away from specific problems because, as Jux says, you take them with you. For me, out of sight has been out of mind and it has given me a break from the constant pressure. HOwever, that comes with a caveat that no 'geographical' is going to leave your childhood damage behind - you're going to have to address this at some point or it will continue to be a problem that significantly limits your life. It's not just going to drop off of its own accord (unfortunately!).

I suspect there are a lot of people across the planet who are scarred by a similar childhood to yours. Have you done a search to see what support is out there? I am a huge fan of peer support: spending time with people who know exactly what one is going through because they have been through the exact same.

I went to more than one session of therapy. I been going since July, and now it September.
The therapist she keep quiet and she let me talk alot and alot.
It an Asian-American therapist that speak my language.
I talk to her alot about my marriage and about my abusive mother.

I asked her, if she think it a husband issue, and if she see any red flags in him.
And she say No, she doesn't see any red flags in him. She answered it not NOT a husband issue. It is a ME issue, MY issue.

I talk to her about my mother situation and I ask her to comments,
She said I need to work on myself. Because subconciously I still let my childhood experience of my abusive mother effect my adulthood.
You know she think that subconciously I let my mother drive wedge into my marriage.

I ask her, is my normal meter broken that serverve?
She agree that my normal meter is very broken.
Those are her commemnts. She an Asian therapist. Maybe I should look for an American one.

Therapist sounds good & given your skill set the office job sounds far more sensible (& potentially rewarding?) than retail (I may be biased, I've worked in all sorts of environments & found retail hideous).

It sounds as if you react badly to anyone giving you advice/suggestions. This is presumably what your therapist is saying about it being a you problem.

Your minimum wage jobs got you away from your mum - can you see it as time to move on now - with your language skills you could potentially earn more per hour - always good.

If the therapist isn't working for you look for another one, but what she is saying sounds reasonable from what you have said here.

So your mother wanted you to make a good career. But you felt she was controlling you and so you got a minimum wage job.

Now your husband wants you to get a better job, one that uses your skills. And you worry that he is trying to control you too .

You need to work out what you want to do with your life , and not just react against what other people want for you.

Your husband is definitely being controlling- telling another adult what they can and can't do is controlling. So as kind and caring as he sounds, he is part of the problem, because you have terrible fears about being controlled and that is what he is doing.
The job is a red herring - he's right in that you may find retail very tiring and you could achieve a more high status/well paid job if you put your mind to it but it's not his decision to make.
When he starts talking about this do you have a calm conversation or do you find yourself reacting strongly to the perceived control and therefore unable to discuss the pros and cons with him?
Also - plenty of women do jobs on their feet during pregnancy and if they are fit and active they manage just fine. I passed my driving test during pregnancy and it was the worst timing because I stopped walking far at all and my weight went up and my fitness went down. Working on your feet could be good for you!
If he wants to spend more time with you he could cut back on the second job?

It sounds to me that what your therapist is saying is that YOU have an issue that needs addressing. And you do, bg time. That's what you're there for, to get your issues addressed, not to get your therapist to back you up on what you've decided. They're not there for that.

It also sounds like you've hit gold with an Asian therapist who fully understands the dynamics in your sort of family (ie your parental home, your primary family). You'd spend a lot of money explaining the ins and outs of the dynamics in that family and it would take another 100s of dollars for the therapist to get their head around it - no experience, see. If you want an American therapist to present to you an American perspective - to agree with you, basically - you won't even touch the vast well of damage that constitutes the main source of damage you are grappling with.

So, what do you want: a therapist that agrees with you and backs you up; or a therapist who is fully experienced in the dynamic that has crippled you? Genuine q.