Advice needed

[Heavenandhellhere]

Hi there, haven't started thread before but I really need some advice about my marriage. I have a husband who is very normal much of the time but he has issues from his past that rear their ugly head every once in a while. When this happens he is awful to me, he's never been physically abusive but he calls me horrible names and blames me for absolutely everything that's wrong with our marriage (mainly financial when I had our dd I had severe pnd and was unable to go back to work so we got into debt). This afternoon he has flipped on me and called me a disgusting fat blob who does nothing but sit on the sofa, he said I need to show some gratitude for all he has done for me by paying him back and earning some money. he also says he doesn't come to bed until I'm asleep because I revolt him. I am reeling from this it's the worst he's ever said but he seems to think I should take it on the chin and get on with it. He actually asked me if our evening was a write off. I have been back at work for some time now but part time so my earnings have dropped. And I am overweight since the pnd. Sorry if this is a total ramble but I'm shaking as I type this and need some calm sensible advice... Anyone???

he has issues from his past that rear their ugly head every once in a while

The first thing that strikes me is that being a horrible, abusive bully isn't generally caused by "past issues". They're caused by being a horrible, abusive bully.

What happens when one of these "spells" passes? Is he apologetic and contrite, or does he blame you for "making me mad"?

It varies really, sometimes he's apologetic and sometimes he's not and we eventually get back to normal... I'm aware that I sound like a complete doormat here but a lot of the time we are very happy...

Those aren't his past issues, that's his true nature coming out. Time to get angry. How dare he talk to you like that?

This isn't his past, this is now! You do not deserve to be treated with such contempt and if you let this pass each time you're giving him permission to continue doing so for a lifetime.
Contrast that with my marriage I'm a bit fucked up due to my past and have an eating disorder with sees my weight fluctuate by 6.5 stone and I've had my time as a stay at home mum. My husband had never been anything other than loving and supportive and it's clear (even to me) that he adores me. I'd never stand for being spoken to in that way and that would be the end of us.

What a horrible bully he is! Please don t think this is ok. It's not. My now ex husband spoke to me like this. He too had a 'horrible past'. He felt well within his rights to call me names, laugh at my body and dismiss any attempts I made to improve. It was awful and almost destroyed me. Most people have a heartbreaking/difficult story from there past but the decent one s get help or accept this is life and move on. Only the complete wankers make another 'pay' for it. Horrendous. I feel for you. What do you want to do next?

Thanks for the replies, Luluoli the answer is that I just don't know at the moment. We have such good times and I honestly do love him but being spoken to like that is as you say just not ok and reading these responses is really confirming what I already knew. We have a 4 year old and she adores her daddy so splitting up would break her heart, she's also about to start school. He's had 2 years of counselling but now feels it's my turn to address my issues as his are sorted!!!

He's had 2 years of counselling but now feels it's my turn to address my issues as his are sorted!!!

LOL. So he claims his shitty treatment of you is caused by his past issues, which are now sorted, oh except he's still being a total cunt.

He doesn't need counselling, he needs a smack up the side of the head with a wet bag of shit, as my grandad would have said.

Ha thanks pocket at least you've made me laugh!!

How can you share 'good times' and still love a man who calls you a 'disgusting fat blob?'

He may have "sorted" his historical issues but being an arsehole isn't one of those. I doubt he'll ever be anything else, therefore.

Have you a door you can kick his arse out of?

You would be better to split from a man that verbally abuses your children's mother than to stay together for them.

It's verbal and emotional abuse imo. He can't blame the past for being a wanker in the present. He's purposefully keeping you down and confidence low. Him being nice in between is an attempt to get you to feel like you need him.
I have been in an abusive relationship before and the emotional abuse affected me a lot more than the physical

His view that it is your turn to have counselling is a good one .
Go for counselling go for it now, to help you find the confidence to stand up to this awful awful treatment .You know it isn't right , so now you need to seek out the support you need to sort this ...good luck
For your sake and your daughters

It's emotional and verbal abuse , and it only escalates. It sounds like financial abuse is also occurring. Counselling is not recommended for abusive men. Please don't accept his bullshit about past issues. He's abusive because he chooses to be.

I would leave next time he starts his abuse.

Your daughter wont thank you later on for showing her that it's ok to take verbal abuse from a man, disgusting.

No matter how many happy times you have he's abusing you are accepting of it, he either goes and gets help, if indeed he needs it, this may just be his personality, I don't know how you can stand it, the minute he started calling me names I'd have packed his stuff up.