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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do you cope?

12 replies

Bubblegum89 · 30/08/2015 14:27

This is most likely in the wrong section but I wasn't sure where to put it so apologies in advance.

A few months ago, I was at my mum's house when she received a call from the police telling her that my younger sister had been the victim of a sexual assault the previous night. All I knew of it really is that she had been out in town (she's 21) and she had been assaulted by a man who is already known to the police. They'd arrested the guy and that was the last I heard of it. My sister didn't want anyone to know and so I acted like I had no idea that my mum had told me.

Anyway yesterday my mum called round and she told me the full extent. My sister was out with friends but wanted to go home early when a boy that she was friends with suggested instead of her walking into town on her own to get a taxi which would be dangerous at that time of night, she should walk with him to his house and call a taxi from there, suggesting that a female friend she was out with would go along to his house also once she wanted to go home. My sister went along with him however once she got to his house, he took her upstairs and raped her. Multiple times. He then took away her phone and locked her in his bedroom. When her female friend came along later, he told her that my sister wasn't feeling well so she was asleep in his room and to not disturb her. In the morning he let her out of the bedroom and gave her her phone so she text my mum asking what she was up to that day knowing that she would reply straight away and then used her reply text as an excuse to leave. She went straight to the police and was sent to a specialist hospital to be checked over.

This guy has been in court before over sexual assault charges but was cleared due to lack of evidence. He then raped another girl multiple times a week before my sister. He has pleaded not guilty and therefore my sister will have to attend a trial.

She is a quite a big personality and she is masking whatever feelings she has about the whole ordeal very well although I'm more than sure she is going through hell, I can't even imagine. But this means that she is also being very private. It has been almost three months since she was raped and the only reason I was told the full story is because her female friend is telling people on social media and my sister didn't want me to find out through that.

I feel like it's selfish of me to now ask the question, how do you cope when someone you love goes through something like that? She is my little sister and I'm supposed to protect her and instead one of the worst things has happened to her and I can't get the idea out of my head of how she must have felt being locked in that room on her own after trusting someone she called a friend, to look after her. It's making me feel physically sick to my stomach and of course, I don't blame myself but I can't help but still feel horrible. I know she doesn't want to talk about it and is reluctant that I even know in the first place but I know how hard it can be when you go through something traumatic and feel like you have to keep everything bottled up and put on a brave face (I haven't been the victim of a sexual assault but I have had a traumatic experience of my own recently) I don't know if I can use that to try and identify with her although she has been through a LOT worse? Do I just carry on pretending I don't know? I don't want to drag up memories of something I'm sure she would rather forget. I know my parents are having a hard time and it makes it harder that we aren't allowed to tell anyone, not even other family. I know the damage has already been done but I've not been in a situation where this has happened to someone I know and I'm not sure how to cope with all the images in my head or how to help or anything :(

OP posts:
Blarblarblar · 30/08/2015 14:32

She won't ever forget it. You sound like a loving kind sister. Can you go see her tell her you love her and are sorry for what she is going through and just let her know your there if/when she wants but don't put any pressure on.
I'm sure someone will have some good advice.

ThomasRichard · 30/08/2015 14:38

I'm sorry this has happened. It's horrific.

On the practical side, she's quite young; is she likely to have the money for private counselling? If not, are you or your parents in a position to pay for ongoing counselling for her?

Bubblegum89 · 30/08/2015 14:43

Thank you blarblarblar x

ThomasRichard, she is currently in counselling. I'm guessing when it comes to something like at, it is easier to talk about with someone who doesn't know you personally so I'm hopin she is getting her emotions out there but she has always been a very closed person when it comes to emotions (as am I) and she isn't the type to sit down and talk about how she's feeling with say, my parents or me. Perhaps her friends but definitely not family

OP posts:
Theoldcauliflower · 30/08/2015 14:55

Op you have my sympathy, my brother was raped by his ex boyfriend and 2 of his friends. It's so awful all you can do is just be there, my brother still won't go and get counceling, which I know he needs!
I hope your sister gets all the help she needs Flowers

Bubblegum89 · 30/08/2015 15:01

That's awful Theoldcauliflower :( I'm so sorry that he went through that. I don't even know how to approach the subject to let her know that I'm here. It must be difficult not feeling like you can or want to speak to anyone about it

OP posts:
Theoldcauliflower · 30/08/2015 16:45

It's difficult, but you just tell her you know and that if she needs your your there day or night.
It's very frustrating because there's actually not a lot you can do.

my brother just wanted to be left alone really, he wouldn't let me tell our mum and dad, nobody so I worry about him all the time. I also feel guilty cause I couldn't get to him he's in London I'm up north and have kids. It's a good thing she's in counceling though, I hope it held her.

Theoldcauliflower · 30/08/2015 16:45

Helps

pocketsaviour · 30/08/2015 17:14

Does she know that you now know the full story? It sounds like it from your post, sorry if I've misunderstood. In that case I would email or text her (not face to face as it will be easier for her probably to have time to reply) and just say that you are sorry for what she's been through and that you are there for her for anything she needs, whether that's someone to listen/talk at, or more practical stuff like giving her lifts, accompanying her to any appointments, cooking her dinner when she is exhausted, etc.

Ask her if she'd like you to have a "quiet word" (i.e. threaten to break the fucking legs) with the "friend" who spread her private business all over FB.

It's possible that she's powering through at the moment on adrenaline and may fall to bits after the court case (no matter the outcome.) Let her know that's normal and okay.

She sounds brave and resourceful and strong. I wish you both all the best Flowers

goddessofsmallthings · 30/08/2015 17:26

the only reason I was told the full story is because her female friend is telling people on social media and my sister didn't want me to find out through that

If the man has appeared in court, the case is sub judice. Why is the female friend using social media to tell people about what happened to your dsis?

Have you seen or spoken to your dsis after your dm told you 'the full story'?

Bubblegum89 · 30/08/2015 17:58

Pocketsaviour, she knows that I know the full story as she asked my mum to tell me. She is coping with it a lot better than I think I would. I will maybe try just dropping her a text then that way she doesn't have to say anything really or feel pressured into saying anything. Thank you :)

Goddessofsmallthings, this guy hasn't been back to court on the most recent two charges (my sister and the girl before her) just yet but he is in remand. The police have had to call her and tell her to stop talking about it on social media as she is the primary witness and it could hurt the case etc. Needless to say, my sister is no longer friends with her

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 30/08/2015 18:58

It's a relief to know he's off the streets and I shall live in hope that he doesn't get back on them for at least another 10 years.

If the friend had carried on spreading the news it may have caused the case to collapse before it got off the ground.

Text your dsis and keep it simple, maybe on the lines of 'Call if you need anything or if you don't - I'm here for you 27/7. Love you. Bubble x'

Reubs15 · 01/09/2015 20:10

OP, I was raped by my ex which was how my son was conceived. I love my son to bits and I'm blessed to have him but what happened to me was the worst thing I have been through. Just say to your sister "I can never understand what you're going through and I won't pretend I do. But I will always be here for you if you want to talk, or even if you just want to be with someone. I love you"

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