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[pippitysqueakity]

My DH having treatment for bowel cancer and is having accidents caused by this.
I have v little money ATM as don't work over summer so have to wait for month in hand for August.
It is my DDs birthday this week, she wants a brand new bedroom. We have a dilapidated cupboard which she can use, but I just cannot afford to convert it at the moment, neither can I ask DH to put up with workmen in ATM. I am back working ft so really can't fit any more into week.
She feels sidelined, is trying to do her own DIY which just doesn't work and is in bits.
I really want to tell her to stop being so selfish, that at the moment it's about her Dad.but poor child is only 11. My DDs don't know it's cancer but know he's ill.
Just feel I'm letting everyone down I suppose.

I don't know what to say, but wanted to send you a hug.

Would it not help to tell DDs the truth so they can see the big picture?

I'm sorry to hear about your DH. Tell her she can't have a brand new bedroom at the moment and that is that. Compromise and get her something much less costly that she'll love. Put your foot down. You are the boss! Good luck.

I do think you'd be better telling your dc about the cancer and some of the money worries. It's not really being selfish if she's got little idea of what's going on.

She isn't being selfish if she doesn't know what's going on. It isn't fair to her to be cross with her over this.

You'd do better explaining to her so she understands instead of feeling like she is being ignored / her birthday isn't important

I'm so sorry to that your dh is receiving treatment for bowel cancer. Is he receiving all of the benefits he's entitled to because of this horrible disease? If you have any doubt, contact Macmillan www.macmillan.org.uk

I feel for you, and for your dd who sounds a most innovative young lady. Do you have a friend who could slap a couple of coats of white or magnolia paint on the dilapidated cupboard so that dd can turn it into a decoupage work of art with pictures she's found in magazines or printed off the internet?

Once she's placed the artwork where she wants it to be, she should be capable of applying a coat of clear varnish to finish it off without making too much mess and perhaps you could run to a cheap and colourful pair of curtains or a blind to set it off?

Now would seem to be an appropriate time to teach the financial facts of life to your dds and there are a number of books written for children which you might consider purchasing if you want to introduce the subject of cancer to them in an age appropriate and non-scary manner.

The ongoing Tamoxigang thread on the General Health board is for those who have concerns about any type of cancer. One of the regular posters, amberlight, is a mine of information about the latest research and cutting edge treatment and I would strongly urge you to post on the thread so that you can be assured your dh is receiving the best possible care for his particular condition.

I am trying to engage with her. They know Daddy very ill they know he's having treatment. They can see he's ill and in distress. They know what's going on in the sense they know he's been in hospital every day, and will be going for surgery sometime soon. It's just the word cancer we haven't said.its just at the moment it can't be all about her, even if it is her birthday. But I feel bad about that, she's a good girl, I don't want her to be unhappy, but we seem to be clashing over everything.

Oh Goddess, thank you, but the cupboard is full of shelves which house all my books and I need some time to clear it. We've let her move some of her bits in, but the walls are full of holes there is no window and the ceiling still has those old fire hazard polystyrene tiles. It really has just been a junk cupboard for years.
It is for me not just the money though, as DH too ill for someone else in the house, and I am at work too many hours to do it myself, plus I physically couldn't, ceilings just too high.
It is all breaking my DHs heart and he feels so guilty that I get cross the DDs can't see it which I know isn't fair.

If your dh doesn't have a Macmillan nurse, please get in touch with them as they are bloody marvellous a valuable source of support who may be able to take some of the strain off your shoulders.

Even without the stress of your dh's illness, you may have found yourself clashing with your dd because 11 is the age when those dreaded hormones begin to kick for many dc and it is in the natural order of things that dds lock horns with their dms until rationaity prevails and they become best friends

There've been 50+ Tamoxigang threads and I'm struggling to remember the titles of the books that have helped other dps broach the subject of cancer to their dc. Please ask for recommendations on the thread and perhaps this link will be of help to you in the interim www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children/advice-on-talking-to-children-about-cancer.html

Take your dd into your confidence and explain that, through no fault of her or that of her dm/df, you won't be able to celebrate her birthday in the manner that you like to, but that you will organise a special celebration for her after her df has had his surgery and has recovered from his illness and that you will do your best to make sure she has the bedroom she wants for her next birthday - or on the momentous occasion when she becomes a teenager.

Don't beat yourself up, pip; you're doing your best for your loved ones in difficult circumstances and none of us can do any more than that.

Thank you Goddess. I really appreciate your posts. You have been very kind.

What about new bedding, curtains, lamp, rug etc. That wouldn't need anybody coming in the house?

Thanks Lip. She has all nw stuff which is practical. ( there is no window. ) I really have done my best, but I know she is missing out, and the room will not be a proper room for her till it is done up properly which just can't happen just now. Thank you everyone, I feel better for expressing my frustration.