A smoking issue....

[TheDetective]

Wasn't really sure where to place this. But decided here is as good as any for advice.

Long story short, if my soon to be ex husband ever requests contact, I could use some advice.

When he left me he took up smoking like the big grown up he is, hey?. He moved back in to his mothers who also smokes. They smoke in the house, and he has been smoking in the car MY mother gave us.

I'm appalled that he has done this, I'm a firm non smoker, and would never ever have considered a relationship with a smoker.

I have 2 small children, a 2yr 9 mth old, and a 12 week old.

He disappeared for 6 months, before finally showing his face again 3 weeks ago. Well, he's gone again now, so I guess the next step would be him going through court for a child arrangements order. He may or may not do this. More likely he won't, but please entertain me, just in case he does.

What I want to know is, will the court protect my children from smoke? Will I be able to 'dictate' that he does not take them in his car, that he does not take them to where he lives. What about the increased risk of SIDS to my baby? Him holding my baby, rocking him to sleep with his precious face nuzzled in to that arseholes smoke infused clothing fills me with horror. Breathing his disgusting smoke filled breath on him. The same goes for my toddler. The health risks are unacceptable to me. And I can not tolerate the thought of the items my children own smelling of smoke. Or my children themselves!

I appreciate many will not feel so strongly about smoke, but I do. And I'd like to protect my children from it.

Has anyone had any experience of this? I have no idea how a family court would view this?

I'd be requesting supervised contact anyway, but I'm aware this will eventually lead to unsupervised, if I get it granted in the first instance.

Anyone? Or anyone know where I could get advice from?

I don't know, but I completely agree with you. And I was a smoker before I got pg!

I always feel sorry for little babies where mum or dad is pushing the pram whilst smoking into it. Yuk! Baby didn't choose to ingest their smoke!

I'm not sure what the courts would say. Sorry. I have no experience of this.

I do totally agree with you though, and wish you the best

I remember your story and I sincerely hope that he just disappears. I'm very anti smoking so I can sympathise but sa dly I can't see a judge ordering your ex not to smoke near the children (although smoking with them in a car will be illegal in England from October and is already illegal in Wales I think).

The chances are that he will just slink off and you won't hear from him for a while. If he does get unsupervised contact, try not to catastrophise about the coming - while it's not great, it doesn't necessarily mean that your children will be made I'll by it especially as there exposure would only be for short periods.

Are child care and contact arrangements not being discussed within your divorce proceedings?

Yes, I think I've got at least a few more months grace before needing to worry. But we'll see.

Goddess, I can't start divorce proceedings yet as we haven't been married a year. So no, I'm not even sure what gets discussed in them or how it all works to be honest.

All I know is, I'm hoping to have a solicitor, but I personally don't have any money to pay for one. But as I have a written confession to adultery within the marriage (he was shagging someone else at the time my baby was born - fucking cunt) that I should not have to fund the divorce. I'll also have nil income. That's next on my list of things to do. There is a huge huge huge list of things to do!

He's probably not going to do anything to be honest. But it is something I do need to think about.

The divorce court will need to be satisfied that you and your h have agreed arrangements for the dc such as where they'll live, what time they'll spend with each of you, and who'll pay maintenance.

If you can't agree, you'll be required to go to mediation and the court will make the appropriate order(s) if you cannot resolve any differences between you.

Although you can ask for legal costs to be awarded in your favour there's no guarantee that you'll get more than the cost of the court fees and, unless you can find a solicitor who's willing to defer all or part of their costs until such time as the proceeds of the division of your joint assets are realised, you will be required to put money up front to fund the divorce.

My ex's contact order includes a clause that he cannot smoke in his house or car when my children are with him.

Well it is agreed that they live with me. The CSA are now forcing him to pay since he decided he didn't want to do that either.

To be honest, I'm not really looking for advice about divorcing him right now as we are still some months off.

My issue is the smoking one. It would be there divorce or not.

Frith, that's useful to know. I'm still concerned that smoking is too harmful whether he does it when they are there or not though. Like its a total no go for me. I don't want it around them at all as far as I can help it. I know they are exposed to it on the street, car fumes etc, but this isn't the same - they don't sleep, breathe, eat constantly around 2nd and 3rd hand smoke, but they would do if exposed to him, his house and his car.

You may be able to incorporate a clause such as Frith has described in your child care arrangements, but I very much doubt that any court will take the view that his dc can't be exposed to their df or his house and car if he agrees not to smoke while they're in his care.

The problem is that you won't be able to prove otherwise as the dcs clothes/hair will no doubt pick up the odour of cigarette smoke through contact with him and his home/possessions whether he's lighting up or not while they're with him.

Although you're some months off the time when you can petition for divorce, I suggest you give some thought to it now because you may be able to prevail on him to sign a couple of other statements relating to child care and division of assets in case he does a disappearing act.

If you are able to do this, there's no reason why you shouldn't attempt a diy divorce for a minimal sum which you would recoup if the court grants an order for costs in your favour.