What have I done?

[loveyoutothemoon]

I think I've lost a friendship and I'm gutted.
A dear friend I've known for years, appears to not want to be friends any more. Moved away and until a few years ago, I used to go and visit her and her child. This has stopped because she's made endless excuses saying she's busy. I've even asked her twice in the space of a year if everything is OK and if I've done anything wrong and she says I haven't. She's totally ignored a message from two weeks ago.
I'm really upset at the lack of communication and the fact she is making excuses and if I have done something wrong the lack of decency to tell me.
I just know I've done something, nothing major. But why can't she say? Was thinking of telling her how hurt I am but she'll probably just ignore it or say again I've done nothing. She used to acknowledge all my texts, fb photos everything but in the last two years-nothing.
We were really close.
I can't just accept it and move on.

My other thought. I actually have an old friend, who makes all the effort to keep in contact. Although I have some fondness for her, we never have had much in common and I find her company a little wearing TBH.

Fortunately we only meet up once a year or so, and I do it out of a sense of duty. if she kept texting me in the way you describe, I think I would have to snub her

That's why I asked her if everything was OK, I know its not just about me, I'm a really thoughtful person. Even if stuff has happened, I wouldn't blank someone out for a few years.

What do you mean in the way I describe silver? I text her every now and then to meet up with no reply. I don't mither her, I just try again every few months. It's obvious she doesn't want to meet up again. Just need to accept it but it's hard.

I really don't think you're paying attention to anyone's thoughts here. Dog and bone springs to mind.

What?

I've agreed with everyone that I need to move on and thanks. Just needed to hear opinions as I wasn't sure. Why dog and bone if I need to move on?

I can throw you a bone if you like :) I am your friend - I ignore everyone, even people I truly treasure, and make small, random attempts at contact every couple of years. This is because I now have debilitating illnesses that make everything difficult, even phone calls, and don't have much of a life so I've little to share. Since my old friends don't use Facebook, I have to hope their kids tell them I'm still on there or they might think I was dead

It could be that your friend's going through some shit that makes her feel scared, shy or unworthy at the moment. Or it could be that she's gone off you for her own reasons. It's unfair to pester her for an explanation - and, I get you, it is very sad. It can be just as bad as a romantic relationship breaking up (worse in some ways) ... and the same rules apply: Don't harass them and allow yourself to grieve your loss

So jawannadrink what's with the dog and bone? You haven't answered my question.

You keep saying the same thing no matter what anyone says. And you clearly have trouble letting things go. It's been two years since she responded in a friendly manner.....

I'm afraid that she has binned you as a friend.

Contacting her again would mean you are refusing to get the message and are being annoying.

This is very hurtful and cowardly. If a man ended a relationship like this, he would be slated.

However, it's not necessarily anything you have done or said. She's just decided that's it. No more.

Keep dignified. Don't bother wondering why - she will never tell you. Don't contact her again. Focus on yourself. In time, seek out new friends.

It's painful - it happened to me once and she has since popped up saying she misses out chats. I don't respond. I know from a mutual friend this is her m.o.

I hope you can avoid dwelling on this and be happy.

When a friendship/relationship ends it is often not because one person has done something.

It is quite normal and acceptable behaviour to just let it fizzle out, it is something that happens everyday in social contacts. It stops hurt and recriminations.

If a friend or acquaintance suggests meeting up a couple of times and you don't respond, they would normally understand that you are not that "in to them". It is not normal to respond with a direct reply saying "we'll actually I do not want to meet up because we no longer have anything in common and I have other things I would rather be doing".

That is how social interactions work, we need to pick-up the clues that people give us.

Thanks winky and silver*
I'm moving on now, thanks for the comments.

Some posters have been unnecessarily mean to you here OP. It is hurtful to move on from a friendship sometimes.

It does sound like you do need to let go of your ex friend, but that is hard, so be kind to yourself.

Thanks atrocious yes they have, sometimes people forget there are faces behind these words, it's unnecessary. I'm going to let go, yes it's hard when you've been through school together, got drunk together, been there for each other through heartache, had the best laughs, watched children grow up etc. We did so much together. But time to get over it.

I think people have been horrible to you on this thread, OP.

Yes, they're all right objectively, your friend has frozen you out and you need to move on.

But no-one would give this advice so brutally if it were a sexual relationship, because people accept that splitting up from a sexual relationship is painful. But we're somehow not supposed to emotionally invest in our friendships the way we invest in our sexual relationships, even though many of our friendships are often more long-standing, influential and important to us than most of our sexual relationships and when they end like this, it can take years to come to terms with the feelings of loss and sadness, particularly if it has been a friendship which started in our formative years (teens) or when it's been forged while having babies and going through that immense emotional upheaval and there's no reason given. I think that's what really eats people up, the not knowing why.

You are allowed to grieve for a lost friendship. You are allowed to be sad. Your feelings about this are absolutely valid, you've been rejected by someone you care about who is important to you and you don't know why and there's nothing you can do about it except try and accept it. You already know that, but please don't beat yourself up about not being able to move on as quickly and efficiently as the wider world urges you to because our culture always relegates friendship to lesser importance than any other relationship. There's nothing wrong with needing time to get over this, friendships matter.

Thank you basil. Good, kind words there. Can't seem to get a conversation going about it with friends in RL. X

If you really don't know what you've done then you've done nothing.

She has decided she doesn't want you in her life - it's hard when people do this but you waste valuable time you could be meeting other like minded people mulling over how to get back a dead friendship.

Personally I'd send a Christmas card this year with a friendly but final message. Almost a shame you felt like phasing me rather rather than honesty but have a fab Christmas and all best wishes for new year and beyond. You might find it gives you closure.

It seems your 'friend' has the same view as most on here: that friendships are accessories to suit one's life, and one's life only. Nothing to do with you personally, your value as a person, all to do with what they want, when. In which case your friendship was not what you thought. Out of sight, out of mind?

It can hurt very much to realise you were only an accessory to someone's life, especially if all evidence suggested otherwise. Perhaps she can't handle the distance - but that still shows she isn't committed to your friendship. As a pp said, sometimes a breakup with a friend can be worse, hurt more, than a romantic relationship coming to an end. But you're supposed to not be tiresome (needy, selfish, self-absorbed...) to have expected a friendship that was once very close to endure. It's apparently bad form to make a fuss - even privately on here - because that's embarrassing: being slowly dumped from a very close friendship isn't cowardly, it's 'how social interactions work'. People don't generally want evidence of their selfish choices, so showing your hurt, even privately, is hitting a nerve; hence the cavalier responses on your thread imo.

Bear in mind in future that it's considered wholly acceptable to pick up and drop people to suit one's tastes/their usefulness. I would consider keeping up with someone every year or so out of duty because they are dull to be a foul attitude but that's considered acceptable so you have to get used to it: it's not about respecting people for who they are but how useful they are to you.

I'm sorry you've been so hurt by this ex friend. Back off now and give yourself time to grieve. Keep 'friendships' light in future, bearing in mind you may well only be useful to them at a particular point, as someone to hang out with for a while, but no more. That's ok in general but very hurtful if it was genuinely a close friendship you reasonably expected would go the distance (literally)

Can't seem to get a conversation going about it with friends in RL.

I think you might need to take a hint from this too.