What makes marriages tick?

[littlemisspiggy]

I mean what keeps marriages going when the honeymoon period is over, you know each other spots and all, small (or older) children soak up your energy, the house is a mess, you no longer really trust each other and frankly not sure if you even really like each other?

dont trust each other?
i trust dh more than anyone in the world!
to keep it ticking over, you need to keep him in line- lol
dont always like him, but 99% of the time i do. and whilst i am not liking him, i am always loving him, if that makes sense.
if you are a sahm or are responsible for most of the childcare, you need to make sure he appreciates it and what you do.

Being a bit stuck in a rut is one thing - the no trust / not even liking each other thing is quite another. Are you having problems?

totally agree with that statement, yeahbut.

respect for each other?

I am always at the amount of posters here (and people I know) who say that their DHs went out and didn't come home all night or they didn't know where they were.

Oh and I think if you don't trust each other it sounds like a bit of a slippery slope tbh

respect
dont take each other for granted
trust
love
laughter
and making some time to yourselves, no matter how long, to enjoy eachothers company

I think pretty much the same stuff

Affection - lots of hugs and kisses go a long way to preserving intimacy once you have kids and the sex is less frequent, IMO.

Liking the other person because, for example, they can be really considerate, protective, etc. helps a lot because it's more constant than love

Trust - to be fair, I don't completely trust my dh with money, but have separate finances to limit the impact of that one. I do trust him not to cheat on me.

Respect, politeness and NOT taking each other for granted - except he really p*sses me off sometimes when he demands a cup of tea without even saying please!

Laughter - diffuses difficult situations

Devotion - taking the long term view and not minding the fact that you will be spoon-feeding your toothless dh babyfood one day

Loyalty - backing each other publicly no matter how much of an idiot you might tell him he is in private

Commitment - being prepared to work through the difficult times and draw a line underneath the things you can't change

Time to yourselves, even if it is only to cuddle up on the sofa and watch a film (like we did yesterday)

Mutual respect and respect for yourselves.

yeahbut,
Yup all is not well in our little stye (sp?)
The trust thing is not really as simple as either one going out all night(doesn't happen) or that kind of thing more of perceived injustices where one thinks nothing of certain behaviour but the other thinks it's out of order. I know I'm not being too specific but do you know what I mean?
I am not a sahm he is a sahd but I do my fair share of childcare.I don't switch off the mother part of me.
We just seem to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Spelling out (in a non-confrontational way) what you expect or would like or what annoys you, rather than expecting your partner to be able to read your mind, and then getting huffy when he doesn't. The quid pro quo is that you then have to listen when he tells you something you don't particularly want to hear.

My dh comes from a family where nothing was ever said openly, but all sorts of things were read into the most innocent statements. Whereas I come from a family where, if you did something that annoyed people, you would be told in no uncertain terms. Dh and I spent the early years of our relationship having the same arguments, which generally involved him getting huffy cos I did something that annoyed him, me getting huffy cos he'd never asked me not to do that, and him insisting he had. In the end we worked out that his 'telling' me consisted of making some comment so oblique that it didn't even register on my radar.

We still have moments like that, but can pick it up earlier now. So if he starts making huffy comments I tend to ask him to spell out what he's trying to say instead of expecting me to guess. 90% of the time it defuses the situation instantly.

And I agree with all the stuff about trust as well. I think everyone has moments where they look at their other half and think, "You are clearly the world's most annoying human being, why am I spending my life with you?". But trust and friendship are pretty vital.

We did a relate lifestyle course about conflict which dh actually said the other day had really helped him manage his anger. It also helped me to pick my time to raise issues rather than just dump them on him whenever I wanted - very important as he has nil attention span when his football team are playing - try to think more about the way in which I raise issues, difficult because I come from a home where we adopt a sledgehammer approach and dh is (relatively speaking) a very sensitive soul, accept that there are some arguments which cannot be resolved and not feel like it's simply him making no effort.

If you can be more specific about the precise nature of the difficulties you're encountering, I'm sure you'll get lots more suggestions of how to deal with your situation...

KVG, he is a talker I am less so. In fact he can talk so much that imo he just goes on and on. He is not a good listener because he will cut me off before I even get to my point by criticising howI am communicating or dismissing what I have to say before I've even said it. "Irrelevant Gumph" he calls it .

By the way, the marriage is well past its early years.

The DC are 4 and 6 months. He loves them loads and doesn't balk at looking after them. Having said that I sometimes feel he is a little too stern at times with DS1. For example he was practising letters with him on Saturday but I thought he was being a bit impatient when DS couldn't remember or copy something right every time. He is only 4 fgs.
As I said he does most of the talking (sometimes feels like lecturing). In the heat of an argument things just go pearshaped.
We have already been to counselling but it's the same issues coming back. I don't think he'll go again.

Thanks KVG. I think it's a bit of both. I need to vent a bit but part of me has had enough. Trouble is I can't really do much about it as no money and no family back-up. Also, maybe I should just make more effort.