Need to break contact with an old flame

[EraseTheMemories]

Basically, he was my first love. I was head over heels and have never lost the love for him despite not talking to him for 18 years.

We've been back in touch for a year. It was very hard in the beginning because I realised, though I love Dh more than anyone, that I still loved my ex. I had to talk to Dh about it because we don't keep secrets. It was horrible because I knew if the tables were turned, I'd be devastated but I had to tell him. We talked endlessly and I realised, or thought I did, that I was looking at the past with rose-tinted glasses.

I talked to ex about it all too. I thought I got closure and everything had been fine until a few weeks ago. Until then, we chatted occasionally about everything and anything and were friends. More fool me. I was happy that I had been able to let go of old feelings but I just buried them.

I love Dh infinitely. There's no way I would ever cheat on him. I don't want to leave him. He's a wonderful man, father, friend and husband.

So here's my problem. I dreamt about my ex a few weeks ago and I've been a mess since. I know it was just a dream but it's really thrown me. It's brought all the feelings back so I need to cut contact with him. I feel sad. Like I'm letting go of something reluctantly and I don't know why or how to make the feelings stop.

My plan is to just stop talking to him but I don't have a plan for dealing with the sadness or whatever it is. I'm counting my blessings. Appreciating the great Dh and family I have. I'm looking forward to our life ahead but it won't go away.

Does it ever? Do you just learn to live with it?

I know you'll be harsh. I don't mind but if anyone can throw in some advice on how to let him (or the notion of him) go that would be great.

It sounds like if you keep contact with this man you will be lovers again and risk losing your dh and family, An ex is an ex for a reason move on before you lose hubbies trust and love or he will also be an ex

He lives on a different continent now so becoming lovers again will never happen. Even if he lived down the road it wouldn't happen anyway because I love Dh and want to spend my life with him. The problem is not the ex, it's me not knowing how to resolve old issues. I actually love him and I don't know why. I don't want anything from him.

I love my life. Dh and I are so broke. We've been through so much together. We have stuck together in the face of everything life has thrown at us because we're soulmates. We've only been together 11 years but he's my best friend and our marriage is great. Like really great. We bicker but we'd take a bullet for the other if we had to.

The ex and I broke up because of circumstances outside of our control. We didn't want to break up. I think that might be part of the reason I still hold feelings for him. If we broke up because he was mean or horrible I think I'd have never looked back. Even with that in mind though, I don't want him.

I'm so confused. A huge part of me is wanting to slap the face off myself and say just stop thinking about him. He's gone. You've moved on. Life is short. Be happy. Then there's the stupid heart thing that makes me feel sad. I wonder if it's that time in my life I'm missing? Young and free and my whole life ahead of me?

I'm not having a fucking midlife crisis am I?

I see him through my youth's eyes if that makes sense. Maybe it's my youth I'm pining for?

You just have to throw yourself into work, family, life, home, hobbies, until it goes away. When it does, you will be infinitely grateful that you didnt destroy what you have. And tell your DH that you were havinga mad moment and dont know what you were thinking. Make a joke of it if you can. This is your battle to fight not his. Good luck.

You need to cut all contact and give yourself time to get over him. IMO it doesn't matter whether it's him or your youth, you are mourning for. You just need time and space to get over it and you won't if you keep 'picking the scab' by talking to him.

Just stop contact with him. He's on another continent; he hasn't just moved into the next street.

You don't have to continue this situation. You are choosing to.

You are being incredibly unfair to your husband.

Why are you in contact with the ex? You can't stay 'friends' with someone you are/were madly in love with. Break contact now and don't kid yourself you're just chatting and keeping in touch every now and then or the feelings will never go away.

Grow up

Oh please. You are lucky your H hasn't decided to fuck you off instead of standing by while you make a fool of yourself having an emotional affair with another man.

Cut all contact completely and stay in your marriage or let your poor passive husband go to find someone who respects him properly.

Your feelings won't switch off over night, it will take time. You have to cut him out of your life. Delete all means of contact and block him on phone and email. Then you just have to press on with life and put him out of your mind. Every time you think of him picture your husband and remind yourself that he doesn't deserve this.

How utterly heartless... You tell your DH you're still in love with an ex, and not only that but you continue to be in contact with the ex, and discuss your feelings with him.

I think you should leave your husband, you don't love him, you wouldn't treat someone you love so cruelly. He deserves better.

You're doing the equivalent of picking and poking at a healing wound. It's not fair on you and it's definitely not fair on your DH.

Either cut contact and accept you might feel sad for a time (but shut the fuck up about it to your DH. He shouldn't have to provide support for you in this) or leave your DH and go running after the ex. One or the other.

Yes you need to break contact with an old flame ....end
what would you like posters to say .
I've been in the same situation fgs don't go there everyone has an 'old flame ' they can't be in contact with ...fact of life .
If you're unhappy in your life reflect and take action but don't fgs start a pointless fantasy it's not going to make you happy

And he's obviously got 'issues ' going on in his life ..I mean why has he reconnected
He'll be sad , lonely, jobless , whatever , if he was in a happy place and secure he wouldn't be in contact

Don't take him on

I'm not going to stay in contact. I said that in my first post.

I have no intention of leaving my husband because 1) I don't want to and 2) he doesn't want me to. I accept the advice to do so was out of concern for my Dh but I'm also a bit shocked that some of you suggested that as the first or only option. I'm not having an affair. All my cards are on the table and always will be. Dh and I agree that's were strength comes from - honesty, trust and acknowledgement of human emotions.

Telling DH was the right thing to do where our relationship is concerned. It's not for everyone and I understand that but for us, it was the right thing. We're not monogamous and he is currently seeing someone else. It's a sexual relationship which we're both happy with.

The reason for my telling him and also looking for advice here is because I've recognised an emotional connection with someone else and that's not good for us. I've decided to cut all contact but that doesn't make the feelings go away and that's what I needed advice on - how to deal with the residual feelings.

I do miss my youth but I don't see how that equates to "grow up". I'm perfectly grown up. I've lost myself, physically and somewhat spiritually over the years. My trials and tribulations are like most I would think so there's no need to focus on them but I do feel a sense of loss. i don't see harm as such in that feeling but I do see a problem in finding it insurmountable which is how I've been feeling for a few weeks now.

Up to that point I've been managing quite well. I'm prescribed medication to help with borderline personality disorder, though I hate labels, and I'm in a good place.

I can handle the insults. I understand you can only read the surface content unless I drip feed endlessly. I understand you don't know me so you're taking everything at face value based on limited information but thank you for your advice anyway.

Hello op.
You've never stopped loving this man, & talking to him again has confirmed that.
I haven't got any advice, & not really anything to say, other than I completely understand you. Life is complicated.
All the best x

We're all human and we all have emotions well done for being so honest ..I suppose however if you want to stop an emotional attachment to this fella you have to stop contact.
Your relationship with your husband is clearly very open and honest . If he is having a sexual relationship with another are you not tempted to pursue one for yourself . Is it emotional support / attention from this other fella that makes it a no go?

Ah... drip feeding.

"You're not monogamous and your husband is seeing someone else"?

So you have decided to fantasise about an old flame.

O.k.

Thank you like

spud I don't know what it is to be honest. I dont want an emotional attachment to anyone else. I'm free to pursue a sexual relationship with someone else if I want but so far I haven't felt the need. Dh makes me happy and meets my needs and wants.

He also meets all my emotional needs. We're together. When I need support, he's there and vice versa. I don't know how other relationship work but that's what we do, right or wrong.

I couldn't ever have an emotional connection with another person because I wouldn't let something purely sexual develop into it but I think the problem with the ex is that there has always been one.

I think what most of you have said is right. Go ahead with the plan to cut contact and deal with the feelings as they come?

Like parenting, there is no book on how to be the perfect person/woman/wife. I'll trust my gut and stay honest until that book hits the shelves.