WWYD? Divorcee changing name....again....

[BobbinThreadbare]

I am due to get married next year. I've been married before, and have my XH's surname. I like the name and I've used it now for nearly a decade. I still like and keep in touch with his family. I didn't swap back to my maiden name because it was a faff, I didn't like it, and I'm published with XH's name so professionally it makes sense to keep it.

My DP would like me to take his surname. I've been very open about discussing it and so has he. I'm not sure I want to for all purposes. I'm considering sticking to my current name.

What would you do? I don't know why I'm so attached to XH's name, as I'm neutral about him and we have no contact at all.

It's your name so if you wish to keep it your DP will have to accept that. There is no way I would change my name to please someone else especially if I wasn't that keen on changing it in the first place.

I'd keep it. It's your name now and professionally it suits you to keep it.

If you're known professionally by that name, I'd keep it.

Could you take your partners name and be published in your XHs name?

I wouldn't change the name I was published under.

Keep it and suggest he takes your name if he's so keen on you both having the same name.

It's your name now, keep it if you want to. There should be no further discussion really.

Can he not take your name?

If I were you, I would keep the name in which I had made a professional reputation as your main work/legal/financial name.

But be Mrs DH socially.

(This also saves you the hassle of changing 1001 documents and learning a new signature).

It wouldn't go down well to ask him to take another man's surname, and DP is published in his name! We have the same title too.

I had thought of the professional name and private life name. I also shouldn't feel arsed about changing all the documents but it is a massive ball ache!

Why should you have to change your name then? Double standards if he'd not change his for the same reason you won't. He should understand.

I expect it's different because the name was the ex husband's.

DP is published in his name! We have the same title too.

So you having the same name would be confusing? especially if you both work and are published in the same field.

I would keep your name, it sounds much easier.

Agree with gymbunny here. I expect the difference it's the name of a ex husband. It's very different if it's the maiden name. From an outside PoV, you have done all the hassle changing your name for your first husband, but not your second. What signal are you giving about your views on the two marriages? To be fair to your new husband, you should take up his name socially. You can still use your XH name professionally.

And I use my birth name. So it's not I'm biased to women changing name to be a family unit at all.

HeadDreamer, is is what has been going on in my mind - I don't want to give the impression that I can't be arsed to do something for my soon to be husband that I did for the first one. This marriage means a lot more because of all the things I've had to go through in the past few years.

It's because it's my XH's name. Otherwise, I genuinely think DP would swap to mine. We've talked about inventing a new name, or choosing my grandma's maiden name, which is extremely cool.

I suspect that the issue is that its not 'your' name, its your XH's name and taking someone else's name is a deeply loving and personal thing to do. I agonised about changing my name and ultimately I did it because it was really important to my DH. I did it for him, because I love him. To keep your X's name implies an attachedness that you apparently don't feel - so why the attachment to his name? Yes, its a faff to change your name - I remember it well - but clinging to your X's name just seems a bit ... well weird tbh.

My mum kept her previous married name when she married my stepfather, because by that point it had been her name for 40 ish years. It's her name for sure now.

Could you double barrell but keep your current name for professional purposes? Or both double barrell but both keep current names for professional purposes?

I've kept my maiden name for work but changed legally (and socially) to DH's. The only difficulty I've encountered has been when I've had work expenses reimbursed to my maiden name, but have now persuaded my bank to accept these. Another option is to double barrel formally, which would allow you to use either fairly freely.

Hahaha double barrelling would give me an almost twenty letter surname! It would sound quite fancy though. I think I'll keep my name professionally and use DP's name for all other purposes. It's just useful to get other people's opinions as well. I don't use Mrs anyway.

er...the name was the ex-husbands but its now yours too, isn't it? so why shouldn't he take (what is effectively) your name? if it wasn't your ex-husband's name, you are quite likely to have had your father's last name or your mother is likely to have done so too...so why not change things for the future.

I cannot see the issue here.

It's 2015 for fcks sake! Your name is whatever you choose to call yourself and that is your decision. Your soon to be H needs to deal with his possessive issues with regards to your name on his* own time. What a silly man for thinking he has a say in what you call yourself.

My surname is double barrelled from parents I am/ was estranged from and my daughter has the surname of the father who abandoned her. I have made my name my own and DD will probably do the same and if not, she will change it (hopefully not to placate a man).

Oh and to the poster who changed her name because she loved her H, I'm guessing if you wanted him to change his surname to yours, he wouldn't and love wouldn't have swayed him.

Isetan I changed my surname to my husband's because I love him. It was very important to him that the surname didn't end as his DSIS had already taken her DH's. He didn't want to wear a wedding ring so we compromised, me - name change, him - wedding ring. I thought about keeping my maiden name professionally, but I was warned by HR that pay may not go through if the bank account name is different. Not a risk worth taking as my DH is a SAHD!
Juneau is giving her opinion and what she did. It doesn't make either of us not feminists.

Yes, your name is whatever you choose to call yourself. But if you CHOOSE to call yourself by your XH's name, rather than the name you were born with, or the name of your current DH, then I think that's weird. Changing your name is, of course, optional, but I'd feel extremely strange about being married to someone who still carried their X's name. Why? Because changing your name to theirs is an act of love, generally and still carrying that name suggests that love continues - whatever the reality.

Isetan, you're making the assumption that my DP has asked me to change my name. I know his preference by dint of discussion about it, but he certainly never asked me to change my name. He isn't that sort of possessive personality, thankfully!