What the actual fuck do I do about my life? (possible triggers)

[livebeforedying]

(NC & sorry it's so long, and I know I'll miss so many things!)

My (non-existent) life is a huge mess, I genuinely don't know what to do.

I feel in simplistic terms it boils down to - how do I know if I should leave my husband, is it the relationship, or is it just fucked up me?

So many similar posts before me, they kind of add to the confusion. He's basically a good guy, pulls his weight, tries to support me, tries to be a good dad etc etc but I just don't think I love him. I say that because never having known love, how do you know for sure? Obviously he has flaws, but for fairness..

I feel I could happily(ish) cohabit cos we get on okay, but there's got to be more to life than ok, surely? I think we work, just not as a couple if that makes sense? Doesn't feel like a partnership, though we work on paper for finance for example, I just don't want to be close, doesn't occur to me to hug him for example, and it feels wrong or nothing when we do.

Basic facts, been married near 20 years, almost 40, 2 teenish DC. I've known for at least 8 years I don't love him (but suspect I may never have) but 3 years ago had that epiphany moment where things changed to feeling I couldn't see us together forever anymore, which I always had, despite not loving him. He still loves & wants to be with me even though he's known for about 6 years how I've felt If there ever was a spark, it's definitely not there anymore.

I hate myself for how I feel, so many people on here have utter bastard DP, and here I am complaining about a decent ish guy who I have, loves me, yet I still don't love. And here comes the backstory.... I'll try to be brief - neglected, abused, moved around countries, bullied, sexually abused by F, all in childhood. Teen me obviously fell into stereotype outsider, never fitting in, got fat to 'hide' etc etc. Poverty too, so no real ability to be social etc, no family cos both (divorced when 4) parents cut out everyone. Moved away from M, had to live with F (soul destroying, but that's how bad it was with M). Then got raped at 18. No one cared, as always. Even my boyfriend who took me to hospital didn't believe me etc etc shit life etc. DH kind of rescued me from self destruct mode, didn't think I could ever have a real life so said yes when he asked me to marry, thinking I could get out of it somehow. Went NC with M & sis. Happy when planned DC1 born, then went to shit again, DH affair (which wasn't but took YEARS to discover this) lost DC2 in horrific circumstances. Spilt briefly, but got back together cos what else can you do? Had DC3 that I got talked into, which destroyed me. Feel like I've switched off & been in a coma for the last 14 years cos the traumas, only reawakening gradually past 2-3 years (since the epiphany I suspect). Obviously way more stuff than I can blab on about, but I think that's a good general overview!

So what do I do? Throw away the only tiny thing I have on what feels like a whim cos I feel I don't know what happiness actually is? All I know is that I'm not happy and I'm dying inside. I've had brief (SHIT) counselling 14 years ago, and recently, scary thing is both times I felt the same about my marriage cos I randomly found my notes from last time during this year's I think I've been depressed almost my whole life, but now I think I'm sort of not, I know it's my past & circumstances drowning me. I have nothing, no family (only F who is obviously a drain on me in every single way), no friends (4 online people is truly all I have), nothing, so what do I do? I think I should leave in a way, then my fucked up-ness will go away with me, but I know how much it would hurt my DC so I can't.

Both options of stay or go are horrendous, I don't want either of them so if anyone has any advice, please tell me!

Things haven't been easy for you at all. I am sorry. If I were you I would put your marriage 'on hold' for a bit and focus on yourself. I would definitely look into counselling. Your words seem to come in a rush, like you have a lot to say and a lot of feelings that need to be validated. Remember that it is ok to be you and ok to feel what you feel. Value yourself first and other things in your life become clearer.

If you're husband is supportive I would not walk out just yet. And certainly don't walk out on your dc, they need you.

You've had one hell of a bad time with life hurling just about everything it can at you, one thing after another. The switching off and going into a coma sounds like some big dissociation as a result. If you're now coming out, you're reliving the lot, and of course you're all over the place, severely stressed, probably depressed and at the end of your tether. You need to get over to the GP sharp-ish and tell them all about it, see what support they can offer you.

Tell your husband you're dealing with all the trauma of the past right now. If you haven't found the stately home thread do have a look, there's some wise people on there.

When in hell... keep going. But just one step at a time. Don't put yourself under any more pressure right now, don't make any big life decisions. Try to stop panicking about the big picture and just concentrate on one thing at a time, one step at a time, probably one memory at a time - you may find you need a lot of 'me time'.

I hope some other people will be along soon with more advice!

Counselling, or back to counselling if you've had it before.
I'm sorry - you've had some truly awful experiences.
Normally I tell people to get the hell out if they don't like their husbands/partners, but I don't think you know who you are yet - no disrespect meant - it just seems that you've reached the 'safe place' you needed to be able to look frankly at your life. that will take a while so don't rush into major life changes as yet.
wishing you all the best.

I can only repeat what has already been said. Painful as it is, you need to release all this shit that is holding on to you. I know you say you've had bad experiences with counselling but from what I've read on mumsnet it often takes some time to find the right counsellor for you, especially when someone has had as much pain and awfulness in their life. I can't imagine what your mother put you through if living with the father who sexually abused you was preferable, you poor poor woman.

Keep posting on MN, it can be a great cathartic release when things have been bottled up for so long, but do also go to see your GP and get some real life help. And yes, don't rush into a decision regarding your DH, he sounds like a rock and you may find you need him.

[un MNetty hug]

..dear lovely ....please try the therapy again you may find you are more able to cope with it it this time round. I think you have so many painful 'pages' in the story of your life that you need time to off load them in the trusting environment that a good therapist can offer . I wouldn't make any major decisions right now, like leaving your husband you are in a very low place right now and it may not be the solution to your pain. But I do think that a well trained therapist would help you to release some or all of it .
Be good to yourself you deserve peace and calm keep going ...and keep talking to us

As well as agreeing with the advice above, please see your GP and discuss possible depression. You sound long term, low level depressed ( unsurprisingly). When you have had some support for yourself perhaps look at couples counselling to see if your marriage can be improved, saved or simply find the best way to split.

Can you identify why you lack friends? That in itself is very sad.

Wishing you well.

OP, so sorry for the shit you have been through.

Finding the right counsellor/therapist is like choosing a pair of shoes - you need to try several on before you find a good fit. Have a look at the BACP Find a Therapist page - you can search by location and area of expertise. Email and/or call several, weed out any you don't immediately click with. Ask for a discounted short session or maybe a Skype session for those you think are worth exploring. Be realistic and don't expect to feel ready to talk about everything right away - it will take time to build trust.

I agree with PPs that I wouldn't make any life changing decisions about your marriage right now - I think you need to do a lot of healing from past trauma and that's not really what you need during a divorce or while dealing with upset kids. I do think you'll probably want to move on from this marriage at some point but since it doesn't sound actively unhappy, I would stay put for now.

Do I read correctly that you're in contact still with your abuser? I would make ending that contact a priority, with the help of a counsellor/therapist.

Good luck OP, you can and will get through this - I have been in similar shoes and am in a much happier place now and very pleased with my life.

Thanks for the replies everyone, you seem to get it, thank you.

Your replies sum it up, I've recently thought I need to be on my own for a bit, mrstwee hit the nail on the head, I don't know who I am. When you're conditioned that you don't matter and your thoughts should be repressed, it's near impossible to know what it is that you want, or if you just think that way cos it's the way expected of you

rick - you're very astute. I do need validation, I've never been good enough etc etc and cos so unsure of everything, I need someone to help by telling me what's the right thing. I need everything justified cos I'm terrified of doing the wrong thing, always.

notech - thanks, all spot on. Hubby knows what I'm dealing with, he knows my past (not detailed) and more than I've mentioned here and he does come through for me. He's a good guy but it just doesn't feel right for years.

mrstwee - your safe place comment is perfect, I read about that recently. I finally feel I have some actual friends, and being accepted by them has allowed me to be proper me (but getting close to people and it's complications has kind of caused this recent crash in a way)

dylan, spud & matilda - thank you :)

pocket - I've read your posts (that whole thread helped me massively) so your knowing input is great, I'm so pleased for you that you have got to a place where you're happy :) That's it exactly, not actively unhappy, not happy either, just years & years of nothing. And yes, still in contact with my abuser, don't know how to undo that at all. I've massively distanced myself in the past few months especially when it hit me just how fucked up my whole everything is because of it. I thought I'd done ok with it, but realising I'd tricked myself broke me a bit. (I was looking at old photos and saw the before and after me, genuinely broke my heart)

To reply to main points -

I had some counselling earlier this year (ended May), prompted by going to the GP end of last year cos it hit me how broken I was and went for help. It was genuinely useless though cos I knew more than her. It's only use was getting it out, but no help with it itself. I've been on a path of self discovery for almost a year so have identified things about myself, but it's torturous having all the answers to why I am, but no way of knowing how to move forward. I've looked into paid counselling and have found one I think seems good, but didn't feel I could do it again until this past few weeks

My GP was & is great, but limited cos she can refer me for more counselling, but it's pointless, don't need to talk, I need actual help. She explained I am low level depressed cos of how it's been, and once you're there it can't go back to how it was. But she agreed antidepressants aren't for me as I can pull myself back etc, it's the weight of all my stuff that's breaking me. Just feel I'm broken & can't be fixed.

I have few friends because abuse victims hold people at arm's length, plus anyone I let in has hurt me so I stopped bothering to a degree. Moving round, not living where you grew up, not knowing people through family etc is a very lonely existence. All backgrounded with no shaping experiences in childhood so I feel I don't know how to be with people. Sounds ridiculous, but it's almost like I feel like some science social experiment! I am friendly & sociable, I've joined groups and I am liked, but I just don't know how to be with people so I never make friends, just acquaintances, does that make any sense? Then I get more hurt cos I see everyone being 'normal' knowing I can never have that.

Thanks for the replies xx

I think I should leave in a way, then my fucked up-ness will go away with me OP, I don't think it works that way You have mentioned some very serious traumas on here, from which you have still to start healing. So I imagine if you left, these would go with you I'm afraid You can't run from the effects these traumas have had on you, they need to be faced and dealt with.

I agree that you need to find the right counsellor.

If you leave, you will also be dealing with whatever feelings that throws up re your dcs etc.

I think maintaining an ongoing relationship with your abuser is not going to be helping you.

It sounds like you are numb from the pain you've been through which is maybe why you don't feel like hugging etc

I went for nlp /hypnotherapy counseling. The first session was 3 hours - and I think I talked solid for that 3 hours - the counselor was recommended to me otherwise I would have shied away from something so woo sounding.

It helps sort out your life goals and what you need to make you happy. It's expensive at 90 per hour.

I think when you are busy with small DCs/a job the issues from your past get pushed to the back of your mind but once that's less all-consuming you are left with all the horrors coming back to haunt you and it's impossible to think calmly and make decisions, ime that is partly why the setting of goals and motivating helped me move on.

I would ignore marriage issues and just concentrate on you. Counselling counseling counseling is the way to go.

Once You are sorted you will know what you want to do.

"does that make sense" Makes perfect sense, all of it. I've had much lesser - I can't imagine how terrible it is to lose a child - but similar sorts of issues and it strikes me how similar your response sounds! "When you're conditioned that you don't matter and your thoughts should be repressed" Oh yes, very familiar. Been working through it this last year myself.

The stately home thread is great, cos as bad as it is that these kinds of shit happen to people, it's really good to know there are others like you out there. You're not alone, there's nothing wrong with you being you, only with what was done to you.

You be good to yourself, remember there are bad days and good days, you need to take the time to feel what you feel and let it come out. Though again, I wouldn't give up on your husband just yet - since he's ok to wait - you might want him again in just a few months down the line, I did mine.

I agree with scoobydo it's time to focus on yourself . It's easier to blame our sadness on another person because the alternative feels like such a tough journey to make .

With good support you can start deal with your incredible painful experiences, (you have been so strong for so long) Maybe when you forgive yourself you can forgive your partner ..or maybe leave you partner and begin a new life.

I hope that helps I feel huge respect for you and what you have been through

Hope you are okay.

I think you are panicking because your disassociation has been so complete and then this epiphany has opened feelings up. I know my disassociation was so entrenched that when I started to 'feel' I shit myself. I literally thought my world was crashing down. It's really really uncomfortable but so necessary. I'm only just starting to deal with the trauma now, Pushing it down for years and being numb has its uses but there is a point where you have to start facing it or you will never achieve the peace. Have you looked into EMDR? I'm going to call time on my talking psychotherapy and try something else (taming the inner tiger is technique) because I think the talking stuff isn't helping at the moment. Remember you've got a whole world of shit to deal with. You don't have a deadline to feel normal or healed or happy. You don't even have to feel these things if you don't want to! All I'd advise is don't fight the feeling bit as it causes secondary damage. Abuse is so complex that to think in terms of timely and measurable outcomes is pointless.

One thing that helped me was keeping a diary and writing it all out. You need to cut contact with your abuser completely. If you're distant already, just stop calling, no need for drama.