Feeling lost

[Olympia77]

Hi. This is my very first contribution so apologies in advance for the grumpy post. I am just so lonely and need to vent. I am 37 and have been married for 14 years to the only man I truly loved. We had many ups and downs, probably more downs than ups but we were so much in love we always bounced back stronger. My husband has always been difficult about having children and it took us 9 years to finally start trying...during that time I felt broken, emotionally shattered and terribly miserable as i watched every friend and member of my family get married and have one child after another...eventually i fell pregnant and lost my mum the same day! I had a weird pregnancy to say the least, mourning my mum and feeling eccstatic at the same time. our son brought so much joy to our lives that we talked about having another one soon after. i was over the moon! We decided to wait 2 years and I went back to work when my maternity leave was over. Then my husband changed his mind, he never gave me any convincing reasons other than the first pregnancy was difficult and bringing up a child was too demanding and a big responsibility blablabla...I felt really sad but instead of confronting him I just dropped it and kept it all inside. I changed jobs and threw muself in another career and i managed to somehow convince myself that i didn't want more children. Now my son is old enough he keeps asking to have a brother or sister " because i have no one to play with and all my friends at school do" it breaks my heart everytime. Few days ago i told his dad about this, he was positive he wasn't going to try for another one as he is too old (he is 53) but said he was open for adoption!! I was stunned by this and felt cheated because if he is prepared to adopt it means we could have had another one years ago but we has too selfish to grant me that wish. I can't think of adoption when I can perfectly still have a child of my own. At the same time I feel so sad for my son who will grow up with no siblings and feel guilty that I didn't fight for this to happen when I had the chance to. I feel a lot of resentment right now for my husband and wish I had never brought that subject up! I feel lost and don't know what to do?

He is talking bollocks.

Does he think adoption is some sort of easy way out or something? I've no experience of it, but surely it is at least as much responsibility as having a child of your own? Not sure how it goes, but I guess there would also be a fair old bit of red tape around it too, so it could be long winded.

I would feel very let down, and probably would not be able to get past that.

Oh god, what a headfuck! How old is your boy?

Your h is unlikely to be approved for adopting infants because of his age and, sadly, many children who weren't removed from their dysfunctional/abusive families within a few months of birth may exhibit behaviour which could disrupt your settled family life and negatively impact on your ds.

That said, adopting a child could bring as much joy into your lives as the birth of your ds, but it certainly won't be any less demanding or reduce the size of the responsibility placed on you to raise the dc as if s/he was your own and it will most probably take at least a year from date of application before you are approved to adopt, with more months of waiting before you are matched with a dc who is available for adoption.

If you became pg now it could be 2 years or more before your ds has a much younger sibling to play with, by which time he may have changed his mind/be more engaged with friends of his age.

I'm so sorry that your dm didn't get to meet your ds, but I have no doubt she's as proud as Punch of him and of you, her darling dd.