How do you back away from toxic parent?

[cheezypeas]

. ....when they come as a pair with a non toxic parent? Basically at the age of (nearly) 36, I have had enough of my dad. I've sensed since childhood there was something 'wrong' with him and have gradually come to the conclusion recently that he has a personality disorder (narcissistic personality disorder) .....or at least if he doesn't have the full blown disorder, he has a good number of the traits. Growing up, the atmosphere in our house depended entirely on what mood he was in. We very much had to tread on egg shells for fear of setting him off on a rage. These days its things like insisting on paying for meals if we go out and then needing constant thank yous and admiration for his generosity. Just recently he flew in to a rage because we'd been on holiday together and my DH had been a bit quiet (lots of family stresses on his side) and dad took this as a personal insult and erupted one night "I feel like crying, noone is talking to me.....noones thanked me for the meal....." he was making punching gestures in to his hands and everything. Took me back to many similar occasions growing up. I've had enough and am beginning to worry about the potential effects on my own DD1 and due in Oct DD2. Id go limited contact if it wasn't for my Mum, who would be heartbroken at not seeing the grandkids. What the hell do I do?

It's very hard - your dad sounds awful but I can see how you want your mum In your life. Is there anyway you can engineer that you spent time with her ( eg organise time when you know that your dad is busy)?

It is very hard . They live 2 hours away so when I see them I generally stay for a weekend or whatever. DD goes down a fair bit by herself in school hols aswell. Between his rages he can be outwardly loving and caring.....but what I've come to realise is, it is completely smothering and controlling and all part of his issues. If he can't get hold of me for a while (as in a few attempted calls when I've been out) its all "I've been worried to death....". This apparent loving side then makes me feel guilty about wanting to cut contact, even though he has caused no end of stress and hell over the years ...

Why don't YOU challenge him on his hand punching gestures (I mean, really!!! What an idiot!)

Your mother is not "non toxic" she is his primary enabler.

The only chance you have to stop this ridiculous behaviour of his is to Challenge it directly, if you don't confront it, you either have to ignore his behaviour or go no/lo contact

As for sending your dd down alone, you're making a mistake here. His behaviour and treatment of his wife and you is unacceptable, exposure to this will teach HER that this is what relationships look like.

You are EXTEMELY lucky yourself not to be in an abusive relationship.
Think lottery lucky.

The biggest favour you can do for your children is to show them that behaviour like your dad's isn't right.

Bet that scares you to the core, right? That's childhood fear, it's not real, just feels like it... You have to rationally push yourself through it to get through.

It may be that you do have to go NC or low contact with your dad, but your children's health, and yours, is more important than your dads ego.

Stick to "don't be ridiculous...."

Please don't allow your DD to see them any more unsupervised.

Think about the damage this man has done to your childhood. Do you want her exposed to that? Your mum failed to protect you and she won't protect your DD.

Have you read Susan Forward's Toxic Parents? You might also find If You Had Controlling Parents to be an eye-opener.

Thank you. Up until now, I've had no inkling that this kind of behaviour has been shown in front of DD. He can usually reign it in for the relatively short periods of time they are together and DD genuinely loves going there. I am definitely reconsidering that now though after this.

I would keep yourself as well as both your children well away from your parents now.

Your mother is not "non toxic"; she has enabled her husband throughout. She has failed and still fails to protect you from the excesses of her H's abusive behaviour.

They were not and are still not good parents to you; they are not good grandparents figures for your children either. The visits made by DD to them unsupervised during the school holidays should also cease; they are a malign influence.

Do read the books that PocketSaviour recommended.

The impact on your DCs is important. Please think long and hard about this as it's very important

Your mother is not "non toxic" she is his primary enabler.

This is key.

You do not have to accept this behaviour from your dad any longer. And if you decide that you won't accept it, the choice is up to your mum to see you and your DCs separately from him.

Sadly, I don't think she will.

In my family, it is my mum who is like your dad (I also suspect NPD) and my dad who enables her. Sadly, I am now NC with both of them. A relationship with my dad without my mum is unheard of, and ultimately I never meant more to him than she does. He enables her ridiculous behaviour.

I've never thought of my Mum as anything other than a kind, sweet human being. It's true she didn't leave him in order to protect us as kids...but I think she'd been so emotionally battered herself she couldn't see the impact he had on us. He can be vile towards her but have never seen that behaviour before in front of grandkids before. I need to do some reading I think to start making sense of it all. Thanks for recommendations.

Been here.

My mother has NPD. Told my Dad that I wanted to go NC with her but still wanted a relationship with him- assuming he learnt to stand up to her, my business wouldnt go back to her and vice versa. Tried it for a while and it didnt work- so, the only contact I have with my Dad is a email every few months to let him know im still alive and to give a very general overview of whats going on with my life. I send him Birthday and Christmas cards. If he leaves her, the door will be happily reopened- but I know it wont happen.

Your Mother is not 'non toxic' she is his primary enabler.

Same for my biological parents too.

I hot away eventually but they didn't want me anyway. I had Psychodynamic therapy.

Same as pp's, my mum is the one I suspect of npd and my dad was very much her enabler. Took me a long while to realise that my dad wasn't suffering silently. He had a choice. At any point he could have stood up and stopped her. He chose not too.
Went NC with them both nearly 5 years ago and honestly felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I can know live my life (the only one I get) the way I want to - not to please someone who doesn't have my interests in mind

Thank you for your comments everyone. In the last few years his behaviour hasn't affected me so much as there is geographical distance between us. My mum still talks about how he can be hell to with though, so it is still there. I guess I see the filtered version of him now. His behaviour the other week that I referred to in OP has brought alot of stuff back though, and got me thinking alot.