My Husband is leaving & says I should tell the kids its a joint decision!!

[lovemykids1]

Myself and my husband have been together for 17 years, we have 3 children and have been married 5 years, 6 months ago he told me he didn't love me anymore and wasn't happy etc etc. He hasn't moved out as yet as we have mulled over things, he has said a number of times he will give it a go but in reality hasn't really done anything out about it. I'm devastated and don't want us to separate, we have a comfortable life, I have 2 jobs, he works full time. I feel as if he tells me he will make a go but then doesn't actually and now after him saying he will give it a go only 2 days ago, he has dropped the bombshell again today that we are separating and we need to tell the kids. I keep asking him how he can say he will give it a go and then 2 days later change his mind, he has done this now a few times & then we go back to just 'living together' as friends. I keep saying to him that if we are going to 'make a go of it' then we need to actually do this over a longer period of time, however, he says that he just doesn't feel anything for me and finds it hard to be close to me. The thing is he is now saying that we should tell the kids (age 11,9,6) that its a joint decision that we have made and have decided its the best solution for both of us so we can lead a happy life. I'm not happy with telling the kids this because I don't want this separation, I want us to stay together and work at the relationship, he doesn't want this! Any views greatly appreciated because i'm in a pretty bad way at the minute. Thanks

I agree with bobo. Age appropriate and not blaming, but the truth should be told. Otherwise it is really tough on op who will have to pretend she is totally on board with the whole thing and not seem too sad, and respond to questions with lies.

Although I'm not sure how I would go about telling them. Maybe start with separating and go from there. They will have a lot of questions though which is the point at which things could get bogged down in lies. And what happens when the lies get found out.

I agree there is an OW

Just tell them he is leaving - there is no need for any other detail. Why would you?

There is nothing positive to be gained by apportioning blame and making the children aware of whose fault you think it is. And tbh fault is subjective. The dh doesn't love the op any more. We have no idea why that might be. We have no idea of the dynamic of the relationship, anyone can come on here and say their h is a bastard for leaving but other than what they post we have no insight into the reasons why they might be leaving.

So for those who say the children should be told the truth about why the op and her dh are splitting think of it this way:

Op tells the children "mummy and daddy won't be living together any more, daddy is moving out because he doesn't love me any more." So then the children go to daddy and say "daddy why don't you love mummy any more?" "well, it's because mummy shouts/swears/isn't very nice to me, or you some of the time, and she doesn't make me happy." So then the children are left in the middle between one parent who is unhappy that the other doesn't love them, and another parent who is unhappy because the other (who says he doesn't love her) is abusive. for instance. and they have been given responsibility for thoughts and feelings which are entirely between the adults and have no bearing on the thoughts and feelings of the children, and indeed take no consideration of the thoughts and feelings of the children.

The only reasonable answer is that the children know that their parents no longer want to live together but that the love which exists from the parents to the children remains unchanged.

Remember that there are usually three sides to the truth, his version, her version, and the real version. Children shouldn't be expected to be responsible for knowing any of it.

It's not either the 'joint decision' line or blame her DH.

OP and DH can tell the children in age appropriate way that they are not happy together, and that daddy is going to live somewhere else, but they both love them all very much.

But that doesn't mean OP is required to tell them it's a 'joint decision' because it's not and it's a lie.

She would have a very hard time convincing an 11 year old of the truth of that. My 10 year old would never fall for it.

Cabrinha, that is amazing that you were able to keep your dignity and make things so easy for your dd. However, the oldest dc in this scenario is 11 and I guarantee you already knows what's going on. I was 12 when my parents separated and i would've been hugely insulted to be told that mummy and daddy needed to find their true loves! I think there are child friendly ways of telling the truth especially for older children. It's not about making daddy the bad guy.

I was 12 when my parents separated and i would've been hugely insulted to be told that mummy and daddy needed to find their true loves

Me too. Insulted, sceptical and derisive.

Cabrinha's daughter was 5 and she wanted rid of her husband anyway.

Telling an 11 year old child that your DH is not your 'one true love' when he is - wouldn't work.

I didn't tell her we needed to find our one true loves. She came out with that later the same day. I said that.
I told her that we had realised we weren't each other's one true loves. Which was age appropriate but her personally appropriate - because she was at the time very into Disney princesses.
So it was a phrase to say "we're not in love, and people who are married to each other should be, and won't be happy together if they are not".

Don't have a pop at me - I never suggested the OP use such a twee phrase on a 12yo!

My point was, sometimes you swallow your bitterness for the kids sake.

I think you can tell a 12yo that you're not in love any more, and beyond that it's personal and private, and no you won't tell them any more.

Twinklestein I wanted rid of my husband anyway? Yes, on the day I told my daughter her world was going to change completely, I did want rid.

But that seems a very offhand line to use! I wanted rid, and I'd had time to come to terms with it. But I wasn't exactly blasé about trying to find a way to steady myself to tell my girl without crying, to have his disgusting presence physically next to me, or leave my home behind that day. It was fucking difficult, and I was heartbroken for everything I lost - for not giving my child a perfect family, not being able to have a sibling that I thought she'd love, leaving my home...

It was emotionally very far from just wanting rid anyway, actually.

Oh, OP, I'm really sorry, and boy do I feel for you. My H and I are separated following the revelation of two affairs on his part. We spent hours discussing what and how much to tell our DCs (12 and 11), including some time with a family therapist. At first, I wanted to give them an age appropriate (very simplified) truth (e.g., Dad had a girlfriend and that's not OK in a marriage), as I thought the eldest would probably ask the question and I didn't want to lie. Speaking to the family therapist and my own individual therapist (highly recommend finding one for yourself), who also works with families in high conflict divorces, along with some friends whose parents had split when they were younger, I ultimately came to a different bottom line: (i) I would not lie to the children and (ii) It was important for my children's psychological health for them to have the best possible relationship they could with their father.

What this meant for us is that we told the children that we were not happy living together anymore (true) but that we loved them more than anything and would do what we could to make the transition as smooth as possible (we are staying in house, he has taken a flat literally 10 minutes walk across the river from us). When pressed for details, we have put up a screen of privacy by saying, "There are some things that are between me and Dad. I won't lie to you, but I may not answer all your questions. I hope you can try to understand that."

I won't pretend this is a perfect resolution. It really burns me sometimes, and our youngest clearly is struggling with the fact that the children didn't really see a lot of unhappiness and arguing before the split (our youngest actually thought we were joking at first when we told her - absolutely broke my heart), so seems to think I've just chucked him out for no reason when he's playing his "sad sausage" role. But mostly, I think it has been for the best for the children, and he has been a good father to them so far during this, frankly doing more with them than he had for the last year or so he was with the second, more serious OW, and telling me how unhappy he was without actually specifying that his unhappiness seem to be located conveniently when OW2 made herself available. At some point in the future, I will possibly answer the question differently if asked, but we'll see.

I wish you all the best. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

(And I'm really sorry, but do prepare yourself for an OW. The situation absolutely screams of it. : ( Believe me, I would never have believed it either until it happened to me.)

OP, has it seriously never crossed your mind that there could be another woman involved?
You need to do some digging.

I also think you should tell your children the truth:

That ''daddy has decided he doesn't love mummy any more and that's why he's leaving''
Make it clear that he isn't leaving because of them.
But make sure they know that it's him that wants to do the leaving, not you - their mother.

The reason he wants you to tell them otherwise, is because he wants to come out of this looking like the 'good guy' in his children's eyes.
He wants you to appear as 'the horrible mother who caused daddy to leave'. at the very least he wants you to share some of the blame
He doesn't want his halo knocked off his head.

Don't let the bastard do that to you.
Tell them the truth.

Children are tougher than you think and they will respect you when they're older if you're on the level with them now.

What a pig.
I'd lay money on there being another woman.
It's very rare for a man to up and leave his wife and family to go live on his own.
It does happen, but it's rare.

and for those saying "tell them the truth," what about if the h tells the children what he perceives as "the truth."? and the children have two versions of the same story?

op has her truth. If you start laying blame and expecting the children to know who is to blame, then you are opening yourself up to each party telling the children what they perceive to be their version of the truth.

In all likelihood the two parents see the separation differently. Each deserves to give his or her own version to the DC.

XH left me , OW in picture, when my DC were 13 and 10. I was left to tell them and saw no benefit in saying why he'd left and kept my mouth shut and my opinions on him to myself. They are now 16 and 19 and have a pretty good idea of all that went on , they had a few years to have a gradual understanding and are now of an age to make their minds up.

The last thing they needed six years ago was the "truth"

Umm - you should tell the kids as a united front - and that may mean making out your OH - the FATHER is an nicer guy that he is.

My parents told me and my siblings it was a joint decision. They never blamed one another and things such as graduation, school plays etc were attended together, as were birthday meals. I found out later my mum had an affair and left my father. I am grateful my parents didn't tell me that at the time. Divorce is hard for kids without one of you metaphorically beating up the other. Be nice. For the kids.

Your DC absolutely do not need to know that 'daddy doesn't love mummy any more and has decided to leave'. Look, I know you're devastated about this and its not your choice for the marriage to end, but please don't put your DC in the middle and force your DH to make some kind of mea culpa before he walks out. Do this with grace and tact and put your DC's feelings front and centre, rather than your own wounded pride. This isn't about scoring points and the sooner you understand that, the happier your DC will be as you all try to move on from this. Please don't use them as pawns to punish your DH. He clearly wants to leave, so open the door and let him go. His heart isn't in it and the longer you cling onto him the worse it will be - for you as well as him.

I basically agree with everything everyone said. I'm so sad for you but you can make this better for your children. It's not fair on you, but it won't help them at all to know the truth. Also it does sound like there's someone else so prepare yourself as best you can.

I liked the "one true love" story. I don't think anyone was suggesting it for a 12 year old but it was a lovely example of someone making the best of a shit situation and must have taken a lot of strength.

Well we told the kids & he said it was what we had agreed to do because we don't love each other!! I haven't said anything to them, they are currently playing with him downstairs & I'm upstairs on my own feeling very lonely!! He initially said they would stay in the house with me & he would rent somewhere that was until I said I was selling my motorhome which I bought with equity that was left to me & once sold would either buy a smaller one or use money for holidays, I won't drive it as its too big & he said I should keep it for him to use to take the kids away in & I was being unfair to the kids if I sold it!! If we sold our house or he bought me out I won't be able to afford anything in the same area or anywhere near the kids school, I have 2 jobs both part time but even with our equity I would struggle to get a half decent house, him on the other hand works full time in an OK paid job & with our equity as well he would be able to buy a decent house near the school & also release some equity to use for holidays etc!! I feel as if I've been hurt by the whole situation of us separating but now he's making things even harder for me!!

You can't decide anything about money right now. Well done for getting through it. Why are you hiding upstairs though?

Not hiding just upset!!

You're not on your own. But your children will want to see you won't they? Not sure being up there alone would help me in your situation. Time to think is not generally my friend.

I think if OP wants to have a sit upstairs while they play that is fine. If they are having fun and she is feeling upset she'll just bring everyone down and that won't help the children. It also won't tie in with what they've just been told, if she can't manage to act as happy as her DH IYSWIM.

OP if you feel like having a bit of quiet that is fine

I think like Twinklestein says he is asking for this to avoid being the bad guy.

However...the kids will feel worse if they think it's not mutual. They will have to deal with the split AND being angry at their Dad AND being worried about you. So what they need is a united front.

This is one of those hideous times you have to carry a cross to protect your children and it sucks, but in the long run they will ask what happenned (as adults) and you should tell them truthfully when they are more stable and older.

Sometimes, though, that is too big an ask of someone whose heart is breaking and hiding away is the only solution.

Babes, I am so sorry for your situation.

You need to see a solicitor about all the financial stuff. Do not discuss anything else about finances etc with your H until you have.