he's gone. Can one person just finish 16 years like this?

[oxcat1]

About a month ago, suddenly and completely out of the blue, DH disappeared. It wasn't quite that simple, in that a few months before he had said that he wasn't sure he loved me 'in that way' anymore, and that he had also developed Feelings for our housemate - a best friend who moved in after leaving the husband. SHe had moved out a few months ago, when I suddenly out 2 and 2 together, but it was to her house that he ran when he first disappeared, although he is now the Work colleagues.

I have been distraught for this month. I wouldn't answer his phone, responds to any texts, emails or whatever, and for long stretches I didn't know where he was.

I met him again today - I had Arranged a session at Relate as I hoped he might then feel 'safe' enbough to meet me. His insistent line was that it is over. No second goes, no working at it, just finished. I asked again and again, as trios I had no idea what anything was wrong, but he just says no.

He suggested that' I should move back to a town we lived in 7 years ago, where we have many friends and were so happy. I have just come from w few days there though - it is too full of memories to be somewhere I would manage.

We have no children, but a rented property, cat, joint account, credit card debts etv to separate. I just don't know where to begin - I still totally adore him, and I remember how lonely and afraid I was before we met, 16 years ago. I have no idea how to start again,

I cannot stop crying. I can't imagine life without my wonderful husband. How can it be that what I want is of no significance in this? How do I move away, lonely and alone, to try to start again, when I still feel what there is so much left in our marriage,f only my husband would let me work through it, rather than just running away?

Please help? I am in despair

Sorry Flange...sounds awfully familiar.

OP I just wanted to point out a few things to note or expect her.

1. totally disregard any reasons he gives you for this if they do not instantly seem reasonable or fair. What they do is decide to leave and then ook for reasons afterwards. The reason is he wants someone else and is a selfish twat. He will not say this..he will try and make you believe something you are or have done is the reason. So he feels better.

1. He will twist the past so you feel like you are nuts. You're not. He is a twat.

1. He will do exactly what Flange said and poison you to his family and friends so if any of them matter to you get in there right NOW and let them know he left you for an OW and won't work on it.

1. He will completely lack empathy for you. He has blocked you out. It's almost like they demote you to a subhuman status in their heads so they can do it.

I would also say to please listen to the advice on here from the clever women about lawyers, finances and practicailities because you will need to protect yourself.

I understand you love him - I did too (still do) and you can't belive he is doing this but believe me, he is and he has already checked out and you can't work on it because he does not have the same wants and goals as you.

To understand why people do this sort of thing is important, so get some therapy but I think in a nutshell they just feel something lacking inside and instead of fixing it or repairing it they look outsie to feel renewed or better. The idea of working on a 16 year relationship is not interesting to them because they view the 16 year relationship as what got them to this place in the fist place. the shiny new person is diferrent!

It's immature, short sighted, moronic and shows that they totally miss the point of marriage and commitment and sharing ups and down with someone

If you have become lonely and isolated and changed your husbands role is to stand by your side and fight your way out of it together.

Anything less is a failure from HIM.

All of this is a failure FROM HIM.

You will over time see the shades and colours and parts of him that make this possible and the rose tinted glasses will fall off. It's really important to keep venting and sharing...please do it here.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Also to note...

Divorce happens and people fall out of love and no one should live with someone if a diferrent life would make them happier.

However!

A "normal" divorce looks a lot more like this..

There is a distinct downhill phase with less sex, less affection, dwindling time apart, bickering perhaps and both parties are equally aware something is seriouly wrong for month and months or even years. Perhaps one party is still in love but is aware over a long perio that the other one is not- and they talk together and try and work it out. Maybe have counselling. Maybe try other things.

Either way BOTH parties hold value in the marriage and eve the one who has fallen out of love or feels like they want out has the respect to still realise the spouse is important and has rights.

Divorces where the person is a selfish twat who has had an affair look very diferrent. The new person extonguished all the value of the old and despite the marriage having been salvageable they dont give a fuck because the mistress is the only thing they want.

I do believe it is unnatural to have a divorce presented to you out of the blue liek this and it's one of life's hardest experiences.

You will get through it though and believe me that all that pain comes with ome amazing and wonderful gifts too. I am now in ways quite glad he is gone. I am no longer lonely and isolated because he played a big role in putting me there.

Britneyspearscatsuit you speak a lot of sense. I would have handled the end of my marriage completely different if he had treated me as vaguely human.

The truth is he is a weak, pathetic example of a man and in many ways the signs were already there. He already avoided confrontation at all costs, compulsively lied about inconsequential things even lying to his parents constantly. He was also alcohol dependent and would lie about how much he drank. He would lie about his whereabouts constantly (say he was at work but be on his friends boat etc.) when there was no need to lie, I didn't restrict his movements.

I ignored ALL these signs because I thought he was...WAIT FOR IT...my soulmate

What a waste of time he was! Yuk! He didn't even have any redeeming features. Very small penis, crap kisser, horrible hair, bad dress sense, poor manners, unromantic etc etc.

But for no apparent reason I was convinced the man was my bloody soulmate!

I need a lobotomy before I'm allowed near men again

The truth is he is a weak, pathetic example of a man and in many ways the signs were already there. He already avoided confrontation at all costs, compulsively lied about inconsequential things even lying to his parents constantly. He was also alcohol dependent

This was word for WORD what mine was like. WORD FOR WORD

He lied to his parents all the time...so subtly...but more like putting a positive spin on it or doing everything to make himself look more favourable. I don't think I saw him have a confrontation in a decade.

I excused it because he was amazing in every other way. He was my deram guy. "he only does it to please people because he is so nice". I saw him as gentle and not malicious.

Reality was he was weak, spineless, selfish with a desire to be seen as a good person.

That was fantastic when he adored me...my God..he bent over backwards being the perfect husband, fawning over me, trying to please me and he genuinely loved doing it.

The trouble was the very instant he didn't want to be with me anymore, pleasing me was no longer important. What was important instead was:

1. Getting out of it without confrontation (ie: doing it via a text message!)
2. Making sure he did NOT look bad (by lying about me)
3. Feeling no guilt (by lying to himelf)

There is definitely a mechanism which allows some people to do this OP and the funny thing is you don't see it until you are a long way out of it and then it begins to slip into place slowly and you see what you could not see before.

I am not saying he is evil....he just has characteristics that wil have pre-disposed him to this.

Flange...if you live anywhere near London I'd love to go for a glass of wine! Never met anyone who has been through the exact same before! Definitely feel like I m the only one in the world sometimes if not for Mumsnet