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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me sort my life out please

20 replies

koalabearsears · 26/08/2015 23:04

I'll try and keep this short.

My ex and I broke up a few months ago. He visits every weekend for contact with 1 year old DD. We still have sex, cuddle, kiss etc, etc but he has no intention of coming back. I think he's having his cake and eating it. He lives an hour away in his friend's spare room on a broken bed. He sleeps in my bed when he's here.

I suffer with anxiety since the death of my mum 2 years ago. This is something he struggled to deal with and has called me 'crazy' and 'mental' on several occasions, not to mention getting angry with me when I'm upset or down about something. He makes me feel like I don't know my own mind sometimes. Other times he's great and I want him back.

I don't find him physically attractive and I'm not sure I ever did. I sleep with him because I'm vulnerable and want the attention. I'm extremely lonely and count down the days to when he visits just so I can speak to someone I feel comfortable with.

I don't know what to do. I'm not ready for him to take DD away from me for contact so I'm stuck. I'm very confused and not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here but I need some advice.

OP posts:

MARTIN1 · 27/08/2015 00:21

You have someone you feel comfortable talking to and look forward to seeing and it is the father of your dd. Everyone needs someone to talk to and be there, especially when you are coming to terms with the loss of a loved one.

I'm not ready for him to take DD away from me for contact
Do you mean he is going to take her away permanently?

I'm sorry you probably think I'm well rude for chiming in with my two penneth.

Wando · 27/08/2015 06:43

There are a lot of issues to deal with here. Stop sleeping with him for a start - he sounds like a cock

I'm afraid you are going to have to probaky accept that as the father he is entitled to some contact.

Is there anyone you can talk your problems through with?

niceupthedance · 27/08/2015 06:48

No advice about your ex, apart from you should stop having sex with him, but I would suggest contacting cruse bereavement care to see if they can help with your anxiety and grief.

Cabrinha · 27/08/2015 07:02

Does he visit every weekend for contact, or for sex?
It's quite possibly the latter.
Withdraw the free and easy sex and you might find your fear of him taking your daughter for contact stops.
That said, he's entitled to apply for contact. And she's entitled to a relationship with him, so you need to come to terms with that.

See your GP again about your anxiety and STOP having sex with this idiot.

CuttedUpPear · 27/08/2015 07:11

He's a cocklodger.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so vulnerable.
Your XP is only adding to your feeling of vulnerability - he clearly doesn't value or respect you.
This kind of arrangement is very damaging for someone who is feeling the way you do.

Have you thought about activities you could do if your XP took your DD away for contact? He wouldn't be able to have her overnight anyway so would you be able to handle a day to yourself?

He really needs to get his act together if he wants to see his DD without using you.

Original poster

koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 08:09

No Martin I mean just for the day or overnight etc, she'll be staying with me permanently.

For the past few months it's just been a continuous battle with myself because I'm trying to be strong and independent but at the same time I'm very lonely and vulberable. When we're good we're amazing but when it's bad it really is brutal. He was good when my mum died but when I was pregnant my anxiety was a million times worse and he just lost all tolerance towards me. He'd ignore me and refuse to talk when I was anxious about something related to the baby and he'd lose it if I ever cried because he 'can't handle crying'.

I don't know whether I still love him or not. I just wish I could give DD a happy family with both her mum and dad but it's looking so unlikely.

I don't want to believe that he's not the great guy I always thought he was but I think I really have been blind to it all.

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 27/08/2015 08:18

Hi op, have you had any counseling with regards to your loss? That might help you address your feelings of anxiety as well as needing this man. He's only having his cake, because you are allowing him to. You really need to stop sleeping with him as he can only get away with it if it's easy for him to do so. Does he live far that he needs to stay over? Or can he take dd out for the day when he visits?

Original poster

koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 09:23

Yeah I had counselling and was on medication but stopped taking it when I was pregnant and never went back on it. My anxiety isn't bad at the moment thankfully, the main issue is my loneliness and situation with my ex.

You're right though, I have allowed it to happen so I'm just as much to blame. The only difference is that he doesn't 'need' me the way I need him. He's got a good social life and only parents on the weekend.

OP posts:

Wando · 27/08/2015 10:57

Please go back and see your DP - they may suggest you go back on the meds.

Wando · 27/08/2015 10:58

Ah...sorry GP not DP

Wando · 27/08/2015 11:08

Not a good mistake to make!

Original poster

koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 12:03

I don't feel like I need meds though. I'm not anxious/depressed. Just lonely.

OP posts:

Wando · 27/08/2015 12:16

Then try and makes new friends, rekindle old ones, a new hobby etc. it's hard at first but it's amazing
How quickly you can develop a decent social circle

wickedlazy · 27/08/2015 12:30

I'm not religious, and wouldn't normally suggest it, but if he took dd on Sunday for you, what about church? Some serve tea/coffee after the sermon now, and you can socialise for an hour. Dad has recently
joined a new church, and made friends with a bunch of lovely older ladies, and now they meet up for coffee, go on drives together and take turns hosting dinner

Or if you could volunteer in a charity shop on the Saturday? I've had sucess with this.

WipsGlitter · 27/08/2015 12:41

Stop sleeping with him.
Can you go somewhere else - friend or relatives house - while he is there.
Can you suggest he just come for the day so no chance of staying over.
Are you getting help/support for your anxiety?
Agree volunteering in a charity shop - during his contact visit maybe - is a good idea.

pallasathena · 27/08/2015 12:54

You're not going to find peace until you detach yourself from him properly. No more staying over. No more being totally dependent on him for your feelings of self worth. If anything, your self worth is being badly damaged by staying in this situation. You have to find the strength to move on. If not for yourself, then for your little one.

You need to do something like the Freedom Programme, run by Women's Aid. You'll get an insight into the behaviours contributing to this current state of anxiety that you find yourself in. You'll find a way forward with the support of a group of women who have been where you are now and managed, sometimes against all the odds, to move forward and make better lives for themselves.

Above all, you need to respect yourself. Have faith in yourself and provide a positive role model for your child. By allowing your ex unbridled access like this, you are sending out very damaging signals to your child, yourself and anyone who knows you. Do you really want to be one of life's victims?

Be strong.

Original poster

koalabearsears · 27/08/2015 16:52

Thanks for all your helpful suggestions and advice. I'm going to look into things I could do while he takes care of her so I can keep my mind occupied. In the meantime I'm definitely NOT going to sleep with him ever again, and I'm not going to let him control me and put me down. It's going to take a lot of strength but I know I can do it.

pallas thank you for your great post.

OP posts:

Wando · 27/08/2015 17:25

A very good start!

Keep posting you will find support here

Jan45 · 27/08/2015 17:50

You are doing it out of boredom not because you find him incredibly attractive and his personality blows you away, so, what you need to do is fill that time, we've all been there, you have to make a big effort and get out and about.

Doing what you are doing will only add to your anxiety.

mrstweefromtweesville · 27/08/2015 20:49

Its not unusual to continue to have sex with your ex. I did it, for three years after we split up. Its not just lust or boredom, it has a 'survival' side, at an instinctive level you try to keep your ex onside for the benefit of your offspring. So don't beat yourself up.

You've reached a good frame of mind on this thread, so good luck for the future.

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