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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sorry but I really need to get this off my chest!!!

16 replies

CountTo10LordsaLeaping · 26/11/2006 21:58

What is it about some men??? I love my dp I do but he does my absolute head in some times. He works, he cooks and he's a great dad but for the love of all things normal I just want to shake him from his privates sometimes.
He just seems not to understand life and priorities sometimes. DS (2.2) is teething and bless him he's in so much pain even after medicine etc and is crying, not sleeping so the last couple of days have been really hard on all of us. So where is dp? Down the bloody pub. He was at football from 1-8 yesterday, came in, ate dinner and promptly fell asleep leaving me to attend to ds who is waking every half hour at the mo. I got up to him in the night 6/7 times, dp did it once and treated it like it was the end of the world. He got up with him at 6 and took him swimming to give me a break which I thought great, gives me a chance to get some stuff done. Then dp goes off to the pub to watch footie, which I thought fine, but that was at 1pm and he still isn't home he told me at 7 that he was just waiting for a lifet - I mean are they making their own bloody car?????
I know I'm whinging but its not the first time he's done this and I know when I try and talk to him about it he will just twist everything to make me out to be mean and overreacting and just moaning etc. But its like he has no idea what he should be doing. He knows ds is not great and instead of being at home supporting us both, he's out. I know he needs a break but so do I and why is it always more important that he gets one and I don't. Its like he just doesn't give a shit. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to be on my own even though I know how hard it would be cause I think what does dp really do???? To top it all off, we're really struggling money wise which he keeps having a go at me about and I'm like so you're out drinking tonight on thin air are you?????

Grrrrrrrr, sorry I know I've rambled on and probably make no sense at all but I'm going slowly insane and am trying to fight the urge to ring him up with a load of abuse!!!!

OP posts:

kittyschristmascrackers · 26/11/2006 23:02

Perhaps you need to give a few ultimatums?

Jelley · 26/11/2006 23:08

No advice, but had to let you know you are not alone...I could have written your post, almost exactly. DP is in the pub.

My only salvation was when he said he was going out this pm I told him he couldn't, and I went to bed and slept for 3 hours, while he cooked dinner. I'm finding if I'm extremely specific about what help I want/need I'm more likely to get it (as long as it doesn't involve him getting up in the morning when he's not working.GRRRRR)

Jelley · 26/11/2006 23:08

No advice, but had to let you know you are not alone...I could have written your post, almost exactly. DP is in the pub.

Original poster

CountTo10LordsaLeaping · 26/11/2006 23:11

I've thought about it and tried to talk to him about this so many times as it seems to be happening every few weeks. There always seems to be a reason or like I say he twists it so I feel like some contolling nutcase but I'm just at the point where I'm seriously considering a parting of the ways. Its so frustrating as he can be so supportive and things so great when he's pulling his weight etc but then I have weekends like this and I think why do I bother?
I've said to him he has to choose between a full on social life and family before and he always says family and that he'll make more effort and then we end up back in square one. Perhaps he thinks I'll just always put up with it?
What would you do or if you#ve been in this situation what did you do and did it work/make life easier?

OP posts:

kittyschristmascrackers · 26/11/2006 23:19

You need, I think , to be honest about how you feel but in a very direct and non accusing, non confrontational way. I have found that approach works better. It is hard for women to do this but just to say, with no spin that x, y and z is unacceptable to you might help him open up.. You could ask him how he sees things going and whether he can see any solutions. Good luck

Original poster

CountTo10LordsaLeaping · 26/11/2006 23:20

Thanks kitty I think you're right with the direct approach. Usually I just ramble on and then lose my thread!!!

OP posts:

colditz · 26/11/2006 23:22

I break it down into steps.

1 is it fair that you get 14 hours of free time at the weekend nd I get none?

2 So what are you going to do about it then?

kittyschristmascrackers · 26/11/2006 23:26

men hate rambling talk. You have to talk to him like a bloke to a bloke. They can't STAND emotional stuff, it's not natural for a woman to do this though. We always have our worst moments at the weekends. Don't know what it is about them, but it will always happen then.

colditz · 26/11/2006 23:59

Yes, say very bluntly.

"I will get up with the kids on Saturday, then we will ll do something in the afternoon. Then you will get up with the kids on Sunday and we will all do something in the afternoon. Do not let the kids disturb my lie in or I will let them disturb yours next week."

themoon66 · 27/11/2006 00:02

well said colditz.

AtterySquash · 27/11/2006 00:05

Agree completely, colditz.

Men generally need to be project managed IMHO. give them a specific task, time limit and you are far more likely to get the result you want.

colditz · 27/11/2006 00:07

This does work with dp, then he has no room to squirm out of his responsibilities by saying he didn't know I minded, or he thought I wanted to, or he didn't know how to make it fair etc

The way it is worked is blatently fair. If he doesn't want to do it like that, he is blatently unfair. Nobody wants to admit to themselves or anyone else tht the way they continue to treat their partner is unfair.

kittyschristmascrackers · 27/11/2006 14:42

Any joy yet count to 10?

Iklboo · 27/11/2006 14:49

DH & I do the "turns" thing. He usually has saturdays off so I let him have a longish lie in then we go food shopping.
Sunday he normally works so I get a shorter lie in (but still a lie in!) and then he goes off to work for a couple of hours while I take DS to my folks for the afternoon

Original poster

CountTo10LordsaLeaping · 29/11/2006 20:36

Sorry kittly haven't been able to get on the past couple of days. We had a chat about it. Not when he got in on the sun (12am rolling drunk!!) but the next night which was good as I'd calmed down. Just very calmly and clearly said that although I had no issues with him going out, there's a time and a place and did he feel that either were appropriate given how things were at home? He said no and we discussed things that we/he can do to improve that situation and the frustrations we both had which was really productive actually so glad I took that approach for a change. I totally agree with the project managing style and did laugh when i saw that!!! Thanks for the posts guys, they very much make sense. You know what its like you get so angry and stressed you lose the ability to think clearly and its nice to come and have a time out as it were!!!

OP posts:

kittyschristmascrackers · 29/11/2006 22:48

Well done!! It sounds like your dh appreciated your approach and you sound as if you feel you have got something out of it. It's not an easy thing to do when all you want to do is strangle the person concerned!!!

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