Stress

[Bubblebath01]

9 weeks ago I found out my partner of over 27 years was having an affair, he has now moved out, but I am so stressed about everything and nothing.

I am stressed that despite what he has done I can't hate him, I despise what he has done, but emotionally I can't switch it off.

I am starting a course at a university in September, it is only for one semester, but will improve my job prospects long term doing something I love. But I am so stressed about the academic study required. I have managed to enrol, but haven't done any preparation.

I feel doing this course is a really bad idea. But I'm committed through funding, work placements, and I'm stressed I will not complete it.

I am stressed that because we are not married, he has no obligation to me only the children. I have spent the last 18 years looking after the house and children, I have a small part time job that pays for a few luxuries for me.

As I haven't worked I don't even qualify for state pension until I'm 68. That obviously stresses me.

I am stressed that he refuses to come up with a plan. I only have vague assurances he "will do his utmost to be fair", and he will not leave me "in the lurch".

He has said we can stay in the house, but I think that is only because he doesn't want to be seen to throw us out.

He has been rude, verbally aggressive, constantly putting me down for many months, I thought he was having problems at work, or was depressed, whenever I tried to talk to him he walked away.

He is a keen squash player and I have allowed him the freedom to play as much as he wanted, virtually every day. I think she worked behind the bar.

When he was without his car for several weeks I drove him around, he was already sleeping with her I have since found out.

We went on holiday to Spain for half term, I was going to make a real effort in all departments, but he took himself to the box room, hired a pushbike and disappeared all day. Still I thought he was depressed, but he refused to talk.

I gradually came to realise he wasn't actually depressed but selfish, seeds of doubt entered my head and I confronted him 9 weeks ago.

To my horror he admitted it, said he was in love and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

I have since found out that this has been going on since Christmas, that he started planning to move out late February, and by the time I confronted him, he had a place lined up. He has admitted he planned to say he needed space and nothing more, and that he planned to give as little notice as possible of his departure.

I know this is stupid, but I am really stressed he knows he has now made a mistake.

Now for the Jeremy Kyle moment: He is 52 in a couple of weeks, he started sleeping with her when she was only 20. She married at 19. Her mother left her when she was small, her father was a drunk, she now suffers various disorders including "separation dysfunction".

He has a professional well paid job, drives an expensive car. He flashes the cash, she massages his ego.

I know this is stupid, but I am really stressed he knows he has now made a mistake. He tells me I am unqualified to make judgements, I do have a Psychology degree, but I don't think I really need that to see this for what is.

I need to switch off, but I can't. I get on average 4 or 5 hours sleep a night, I only eat when hungry, which isn't often, I think I've lost about a stone and a half.

I'm sure once the holidays are over, the children are back in the school routine, and I start the routine of my course, things will improve.

I would really like to hear of any tips any one has for coping with this emotional stress. I've tried everything I can think off, I go to sleep because I'm exhausted, but can't stay asleep.

I become obsessed with tiny little things.

A good day is doing some ironing, or filling the fridge.

A bad day is wishing I won't wake up in the morning to face this crap again.

I really feel for you. It's an incredibly difficult situation you are in. Why people cheat is really hard to fathom but what you must do is to think of yourself.

Do you have friends or family that could support you?

Friends are great, but it's the holidays. Nights are horrible

Do you think you could see your GP to prescribe something that might help you sleep?

I second the suggestion to see the GP. I also think you might benefit from doing some mindfulness or guided meditation exercises. I have some audio hypnosis tracks on my ipad/phone which I use when I can't sleep or am anxious. My favourite ones are by Glenn Harrold. I also have some mp3s I downloaded, I will try to find the link for you.

Here you go
franticworld.com/free-meditations-from-mindfulness/
Right-click on the title of each track and choose "Save as", then transfer to your phone. (Or go to link on phone and long press.)

Great idea pocket - also make sure you do the basics. Very dark room, ear plugs, relatively cool room.

Good luck

Well the thing that jumps out at me is that his new relationship has disaster written all over it.

Bite your tongue, bide your time, and be prepared to have the last laugh.

In the meantime - do something to improve your situation every day, whether it's a trip to the GP, sorting out your finances, seeing a solicitor or just catching up with friends.

That way you'll be strong enough to tell him to fuck off when he comes crawling back.

If he comes crawling back the answer should be very short and sweet...

Fuck off what do for starters

The same thing happened to me 10 weeks ago. I've never felt stress like it. I can't sleep & when I do I 'jump' suddenly & wake myself back up, it's late before I sleep soundly but I wake too early. I have lost my appetite & food has gone from being enjoyable to something necessary. I have spells when I shake. I've lost 2 stones. My clothes hang on me now. My mind is tormented with images which disgust me. Initially my instinct was to hang onto him & I've tried so hard to forgive & forget but I realise the damage he's done to me is irreparable & this is probably the new normal for me. Like you I can't hate him- I just hate what he's done. You have my sympathy.

It gets worse.

He has forgotten he sync'd his iPhone to to the iMac.

I was browsing photos and knowing he had more on his account than on mine I went onto his login.

Unfortunately he has an automatic sync set up, and everything he has captured on his iPhone has been imported.

This includes numerous pictures of her posing in scanty clothing, in the shower, sucking ice cream, etc, etc

The worst of it is that he has sent her pictures of his erection in response to this provocative posing.

My main concern is that when they break up, I do think it inevitable, she will still have these photos which would embarrass me and the children, I don't care if he's embarrassed.

There are also screen shots of quotes, the day I found out about his affair is one saying "better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho". Really hurtful.

There is also a screenshot of an estate agent details dated 3/3/15, so he has been planning this for months.

The day he left he also took a picture of the electric Meter!?!?!

I manage to take one small step forward, then get knocked back again on an almost daily basis.

Littlehomebird, we should make contact?

Sounds like we have lots in common- even him being nasty .I've since worked it out that this was him justifying what he was doing, he would create issues out of nothing to convince himself he was unhappily married. Again- yes a much younger woman but my goodness- she has turned on him spectacularly & he has made such a fool of himself. That too had 'disaster' written all over it from the word go.

I totally agree on the nastiness. It was almost as though he wanted me to rise to the occasion, have an argument and then he could blame it on me and leave saying it was my fault.

Off to get my hair cut, need to do something for me.

Nastiness is horrible. Gentle kind and considerate above attractive every day ( but I'd like that as well)