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Original poster

How to handle NC situation

29 replies

NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/08/2015 13:21

My sister has been NC with me for just over 3 years. She even came to my wedding and stood in the family photos without actually speaking to me. I have tried but she just won't communicate. Now I'm pregnant. I sent her a couple of scan pictures and did get a response to the first picture where she thanked me for sending it, but no questions, no attempt at conversation or asking how I am, so I left it.

Now I hear via my mum that she wants to meet my child (baby due December), but without me present. I don't really know how to handle this. Does my child have a right to know his aunt even though she's so cold with me? Short of never leaving him alone with my mum I don't know how I'd stop her anyway, or even if I should stop her.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?

OP posts:
MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 26/08/2015 13:30

Has she ever explained why she's not speaking to you?

What does your mother think of her behaviour and her request to see the baby but not you?

Blinkinwinkin · 26/08/2015 13:34

Does my child have a right to know his aunt even though she's so cold with me?

Nope. None at all. Of course you can stop this. Your job is to love and protect your baby, surround it with positive influences so it grows up to be a kind, reasonable member of society. Just say no. And your mum should respect all your child rearing decisions for your child, even if they aren't the choices she would make herself. You don't HAVE to leave your dc with your mum either.

queenofthishouse · 26/08/2015 13:37

No! Don't do it. She has no right over your child what's so ever. I'm NC with my Mother and she used to pull this shit.

Turning up at your wedding and not speaking to you is pathetic. It's all mind games with her. Stop reaching out to her and let her get on with her angry negative life. Don't let her cast a shadow over yours and your new baby's

Error404usernamenotfound · 26/08/2015 13:43

You have the right to decide who sees your child. Your sister has no automatic rights as an aunt, especially if she has initiated going NC with you. Make sure that your DM is clear on this if you plan to leave your DC with his DGM and suspect she may (however innocently) invite your sister round.

Original poster
NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/08/2015 13:44

She stopped speaking to me as I refused to take sides when my parents divorced. She wanted to write a letter to my dad signed from all of us and I wanted no part of it.

My mum thinks we are both as bad as each other and is upset to be caught in the middle.

I'm not completely certain that my mum wouldn't facilitate contact without my consent. I'm even wondering about letting my mum have photos and things.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 26/08/2015 13:48

'I'm not completely certain that my mum wouldn't facilitate contact without my consent'

Then make sure your mother doesn't get an opportunity to be alone with your baby. Expecting to meet and develop a relationship with a baby while excluding the baby's mother is absolutely outrageous. She has no right to have any relationship with your child, and you are not depriving your child of anything by keeping him / her away from someone like this. I am very sympathetic to people who feel they have to go NC with family members but you do not get to start demanding contact with their children without them being around. Completely out of order.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 26/08/2015 13:49

Your sister doesn't have a right to see your daughter.

Your daughter has a right to a relationship with her family.

You have a responsibility to protect her.

Your sister has been nc with you for 3 years. You don't know why. She's rude and disrespectful to you.

I would say that gives you reason eniugh yo deny her contact.

And yes, unfortunately, if you can't trust your mother to support you on this, it does mean you wouldn't be able to leave the baby alone with her.You need to make sure she uunderstands this.

You need to be able to trust the person acting in loco parentis to, well, act in loco parentis. And that means following your rules.

ThisIsFolkGirl · 26/08/2015 13:53

X post.

Well in that case, it's a pathetic reason for her to not be talking to you.

You can't be as bad as each other because you've tried to make contact and she's rejected it.

That's just your mum trying to avoid any conflict.

Wando · 26/08/2015 13:56

If you have tried and failed it's her turn. If you try again do so with the expectation that it may not work and that it will aggravate you.

Original poster
NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/08/2015 14:00

Thanks for the replies. What do you think I should do about photos? I've already told my mum I don't want her putting photos of the baby on Facebook for privacy reasons.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 26/08/2015 14:19

'I've already told my mum I don't want her putting photos of the baby on Facebook for privacy reasons'

No-one should be putting photos of other people's children on their FB page, or any other type of social media. Not even of their own grandchild. She shouldn't need to be told this, but good for you for making it clear.

queenofthishouse · 26/08/2015 14:22

Tell her not to share them or post them

JustOneMinuteAtATime · 26/08/2015 14:25

Is it NC if she does respond to you, but she doesn't continue the conversation?

Regardless, it's up to you who has a relationship with your child. You can stop your sister from seeing your baby by not leaving your baby with anyone who might meet with your sister.

Photos are more difficult, you can ask people not to share them but you have no real control over it and I imagine someone will show your sister photos at some point. I wouldn't stress over that.

Original poster
NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/08/2015 15:27

Is it NC if she does respond to you, but she doesn't continue the conversation?

Well she's only responsed to one scan picture in over 3 years. And the response was just 'thanks for the picture'.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/08/2015 15:43

It's up to you who see's your baby not anyone else but you'll have to explain that to her and your mum beforehand. You've made a lot of effort to get in touch with your sister so she can't be surprised if you're done with her.

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 15:44

It is totally unacceptable to put pics on any forum without express permission of the parent. This is a clear line In the sand no one should cross.

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 16:58

I just can't see how someone wouldn't see that- it's so obvious.

Original poster
NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/08/2015 17:01

My mother announced my pregnancy on FB when I was only 9 weeks along, four days after I'd had to have an early scan due to bleeding. So unless I spell it out she would put pics up on FB

OP posts:
Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 17:16

FFS that's ridiculous. Did you not speak to her then?

SouthWestmom · 26/08/2015 17:37

No, fuck it. Don't let your dsis spoilt you having a baby.
My dsis went no contact over a fucking wedding ring she wanted when my grandad died but tbh over the years she's been a right twat. Told everyone at my wedding she was pregnant (didn't tell me) and loads of other shit. She'd love to get my dc on board just to 'win' against me. The dc don't need a relationship with someone who can't be civil to their mother - sometimes blood isn't thicker than water and its more akin to sewage.

Original poster
NoArmaniNoPunani · 26/08/2015 17:50

Yes I did speak to her and she took it down but it really should have been obvious that I wouldn't be happy about it.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 26/08/2015 18:10

She stopped speaking to me as I refused to take sides when my parents divorced. She wanted to write a letter to my dad signed from all of us and I wanted no part of it. So she not talking to you because you wouldn't take HER view on your parents divorced.

My mum thinks we are both as bad as each other and is upset to be caught in the middle. So your mum blaming you for your sister for not signing that letter to your dad.

I wouldn't let you mum have your dc by herself until she's proved to you and your DH that she will not pass things about your dc to your sister and FB.

Clutterbugsmum · 26/08/2015 18:13

So your mum blaming you and not your sister for not signing that letter to your dad. I'm betting your mum didn't/hasn't told your sister that she was in the wrong about both the letter and not talking to you.

lunar1 · 26/08/2015 18:21

Your sister needs to grow up. Plus three years is a long time, you don't even know her right now so there would be no way of her seeing my child in the same situation. And if you think your mum will facilitate contact behind your back you are going to have to supervise contact with your mum.

Tell your mum now and when your baby arrives that there are to be no photos on social media.

Wolpertinger · 26/08/2015 20:13

When you go NC with someone, you don't take the decision likely and you realise there are consequences - not going to weddings, not seeing nieces/nephews and other relatives associated with the person you are going NC with. This is why you see people agonizing over going NC with someone all the time on here.

Your sister however seems to want to have her cake and eat it - turning up to your wedding even though you weren't in contact and then not speaking to you Hmm Expecting you and your DM to faciliate contact with your baby without you - bonkers.

Just say no. If she wants to see your baby, she settles her differences with you.