Where did you find the emotional strength for divorce?

[Winniethewylde]

Just that really. I'm knackered. I'm teary and I'm short with the kids. I hate feeling this way and honestly feel like I'm heading for some kind of breakdown and I haven't even started with the divorce proceedings yet.

I'm still living with H which isn't helping I know but I just can't seem to gather the strength to get started. Every time I think of it I want to cry, not for my marriage, that was over long ago, but for my children, for the life I thought they'd have and won't get a chance at now.

Can anyone help me out here?

Hey Winnie.
Where are you with getting H out of the house? Have you seen a solicitor?
I know if feels there is a mountain ahead of you, but you'll get there I promise. I am 8 months ahead of you - DS is fine, absolutely fine.

How old are your kids?
Lists, lists and more lists! That was my solution and then Anti D's & counseling. But hey, I am on my own, in my house, DS sees his Dad regularly and I am happy. It has been a very stressful few months, but I made it!

Im nowhere with getting him out. He wants to sell up and keeps telling me he can't afford to buy/rent a place. I can't leave as we have 2 young kids, 2 and 5 and the upheaval for them would be enormous. They don't know what's going on yet either.

I feel like I've got so much other stuff to think about and I can't find the headspace for the divorce. I don't think I have the intellectual capacity either!

This is the worst bit. As Pp said make lists. Make it your business to sort this dissolution. In that you can emotionally detach to some extent. It's a job that needs doing and swiftly so everyone concerned can regroup.

I'm really really trying to emotionally detach but it's hard. I'm trying to please myself and entertain the kids and all I keep being accused of is making him feel a stranger is his own home and leaving him out.

Ok - you really need to see a solicitor. I was all over the place until I got free 30 minutes of advice. I went in with a list of questions & came out with answers of what I needed to do next.

Do you both work? Do you have savings?
The house is in joint names I assume. Is there much equity in the house?

Your kids will be fine, they will take it in their stride. Honestly.

The 14 months I spent in the family home with my XTB were the worst 14 months of my life. It's a horrible time and you have my every sympathy.

The only way to make this better is to get on with making it happen.

Commit to do one small thing to get you closer to separation every day. Gather a bit of financial information, or make an appointment with a solicitor, or actually see a solicitor, or call an estate agent, or go on the CSA website - just ONE thing at a time. It will soon add up to progress.

And ignore him. Don't engage or rely on him to do anything. You can make this happen and you can be happy again as a result.

I actually went down the route of a formal separation agreement first as it was the financial closure of our marriage and a much quicker route out. We will divorce in time, but there is no rush now.

Child maintenance / access / car loan / house & contents / all savings / protecting my future assets are all in there, it's legally bound.

Well it be a lot easier if you did not live together.

I know I will have to do it. He isn't the most proactive person so if there is going to be action it will be my doing.

I've seen a solicitor, had my half hour and have another appointment made for a couple of weeks time. H wants to go the mediation route, he says for cost reasons but I think so he can sway me financially. I'd rather go through the solicitors. I need to start with some lists. And pull myself together, don't I?

mediation for what? financial settlement? bugger that.
Oh god, Winnie! I had to do EVERYTHING with regard to our split. But it was the only way it was going to happen.
Did your solicitor tell you what you are entitled to ? That is the best place to start.

You can do quite a lot of research yourself about your entitlements - the first questions will be re house (rented or owned & if owned how much left on mortgage), your H's salary and pension, your salary if you work, savings (I laughed out loud at that bit), ExH and I share parental responsibility and we agreed when he would have DS, this did have an impact on maintenance etc.

If you want to PM me feel free!

It's horrible isn't it.
Been there and got to t-shirt.
I only had to live with my Ex for 6 months though before he left the country!
It still took me nearly 5 years to get divorced though.
It all just all seems like such a huge effort on your part and knowing the Ex isn't doing anything and it's all up to you really piles the pressure on.
Take it slowly. One thing at a time.

Your most urgent issue is to stop living together and I know that's the worst bit.

Keep going though. You will get there.

I often post this:-

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
? Haruki Murakami

Winnie I remember your last thread. So the kids still don't know? That suits him fine, I expect - he can just carry on acting as normal and expect you to carry all the emotional burden of the split.

I think you should tell the kids. Then I think you should contact your solicitor and instruct them to proceed with issuing the divorce petition. You can (and the court will expect you to) go to mediation to discuss the finance and the contact arrangements, that's fine, but you need your solicitor on side as well to tell you what you can expect to get in the settlement.

The sooner you instruct, the sooner this will be over. Chin up

Thank you pocket I feel like such an idiot, still here and still moaning about my situation. No the kids don't know and you're right I am carrying the burden of all of it. He's also taken to being ultra chummy with all my friends other halfs as well, probably so I'll come across as an absolute head case when it all comes out. I just want it all over.

He's just told me he wanted to talk which ended up with him having a go at me about being nasty to him, being hard to live with and being cold. FFS I'm doing what I can to put on a brave face to the kids, friends etc as he doesn't want anyone to know yet. He keeps saying he wants it to be amicable for the kids so this is what I have to do. If I say I can't do it anymore and want him out he'll make life very difficult, make me out to be the bad person and blame me for everything so he can look whiter than white. I feel like I'm going to implode.

Winnie, just wanted to say I understand where you are & how hard it is. I'm in the same situation, children same age, not aware & im wondering where do you find the strength from? The hidden tears, shortness with the children, despair, frustration & unhappiness. I can't offer solutions but can offer a hand to hold which needs holding too.

I'm doing what I can to put on a brave face to the kids, friends etc as he doesn't want anyone to know yet.

Tough shit on him; he is not your boss. If you want to tell people, tell them. I think you will find it an enormous relief.

He is already making your life difficult and putting a huge amount of stress on you. Next time he lectures you about your behaviour, tell him "Then it's a good thing we're splitting up, right?"

It's your life and you tell who you want. It's best if it can be as amicable as possible but often that's just not possible. Put yourself first.

I didn't have the emotional strength for the divorce. I found out he was unfaithful and that was it, I had to put up with whatever pain was needed to get without him. I was breastfeeding and he was having unprotected sex with someone else.
I didn't at any time have the emotional strength. It took 25 years to get over it. The ex is dead now and I've just been crying about him this morning.
But a lot of other stuff went on in my life and it was way, way better without his presence.
Endure this phase and your life will get much better.

Emotional rollercoaster for sure.
financially, how do folk get to run 2 houses when there is no cash spare currently with 2 incomes?