Blackmail in divorce proceedings

[spreektengels]

I was wondering if anyone can help me with this! Bare with me there's a back story and I don't want to drip feed!

My mum and step father are divorcing. My mum cheated on my step dad during the marriage they've been separated and living separately since last year. My step dad wants to put the reason for the divorce as adultery. My mums solicitor has said she's got to pay half costs but my mum is saying because of this she wants him to say irrevocable differences and if he doesn't she will site damming evidence against him.

Thing is there's no evidence he was a good husband never cheated wasn't abusive etc. whereas my mum was ea cheated a general cow to him. Is this blackmail on her part? I've told my step dad to stick with his original reason as I feel it'll help him heal in the long run. Is this right with regards to divorce proceedings?

My mum has been divorced before from my dad and the divorce was basically blamed on him but he agreed to it because he wanted to maintain contact with his children.

Thanks sorry for the long post

I wouldn't get involved if I were you.

Don't get involved.

Unless there is proof or she admits it, I thought he would have to use "unreasonable behaviour" as grounds, and that is usually pretty simple. "Irrevocable differences" takes a couple of years or 5 if disputed.

There is a strong push for not "blaming" one party to a divorce, it doesn't really help anyone.

The thing is I'm the evidence I knew about the affair and i ended up having to tell my step dad. Trust me I don't want to be involved really I've had enough of it all But I'm involved and that's just how it is.

I think getting it over with as quickly as possible will help his healing process best.

After all, who knows or cares what the official reason is. HE knows and SHE knows. Even if she won't admit it.

I want it over as quickly as possible too. Should I tell him to site unreasonable behaviour then? I'm hoping he's got a fair balanced solicitor. There's no property to sort or contact arrangements to be made so that'll make it easier?

Your step dad's solicitor should be able to advise him. Unreasonable behaviour is easier I think than proving adultery but solicitor will give specific advise on this case.

Most people I know have been strongly advised to go for Unreasonable Behaviour rather than Adultery, by their solicitors.
Its much easier to prove (and Unreasonable can be pretty broad). And saves face for everyone, which helps things go a little faster.

Divorce shouldn't be about "punishing" someone, but getting the relationship dissolved, and moving on with your own life.

My mum seems to be on an all out war against him something I can't wrap my head around. I've never seen him cry till this year so worried about him :( but thank you for the opinions I'm completely clueless on divorce and how it works so just want to be better at supporting him

At the end of the day, the reason for the divorce doesn't matter. It doesn't appear on the final paperwork so it is only important in the minds of the people concerned.

Ah I see! So it might be not worth all the fighting over reasons. Ack I wish I hadn't been dragged into this! My mum has no boundaries and its been horrific tbh

If your mum won't fight one grounds for divorce but will fight the other, he should go for the easy option.

TBH, If she is going to "war" I suspect that he will have a hell of a job when it comes to the financial settlement anyway.

I agree that I wouldn't fight over the reasons. Simply not worth it. In his place I'd just go with the version that released me from her the fastest.
Why she is doing it? Maybe to reconcile it all with her conscience. It's not unknown that people rewrite history to suit them.

No financial settlement needed it's been all sorted as far as I'm aware!

Yes lweji she can never be in the wrong ever. She's very narc and tells outlandish lies etc. all of this has damaged a already shaky relationship that I have with her.

I'm seeing him soon so will discuss what you guys have said. I've suggested it might be a good idea for him to access some counselling in the mean time.

It is very very hard to prove adultery for a divorce case, if it isn't admitted.
I don't think a statement from you saying you know it happened would be evidence - and anyway, you don't want to cost and delay of it being disputed.

My advice would be for him to take control by divorcing her, but "meekly" agree to using "unreasonable behaviour". You usually cite 5 recent examples. Get him to cite 4 minor ones "she didn't want to do things socially with me", that sort of thing. Then slip in at #5 "had an affair".

That'll learn her

Ahaha I like that! I'm trying to get him to see the positives and what a release this will be for him emotionally. He's brought me up since I was 6 my own dad died when I was 15.

Your poor step dad - he though should be proud of the support you are giving him.

Then slip in at #5 "had an affair".

Or: #5 "preferred to spend time (or sleep with, as appropriate) in secret with another man"

unfortunately one of his supposed friends too!

I'm fully prepared to give a statement/show texts if I have too but I doubt it'll come to that tbh! It seems a lot easier to swerve the adultery thing unfortunately. I think maybe counselling overall will be more beneficial!

Common sense shouldnt get in the way of revenge ( or at least thinking about it)

However in all seriousness you just want the easiest simplest way.

Otherwise the animosity will just rise