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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BF gone back to work with the OW

22 replies

Anon136790 · 25/08/2015 19:59

A year ago I found out through messages on my bf phone that he was having a emotional affair with a girl from where he was working (at this time he had finished working there but the messages were still happening and he had asked her to go away with him for a long weekend) I called her up and confronted her, she didn't know about me or the children (my children not bf) and assured me nothing had happened between them and it was just messaging, so I think I caught it in the early stages.

Now a year later bf has gone back to work there again and will be there for the next year! I'm worrying like mad that it may start up again or develop between them, the nature and location of this work mean bf is away from home for a week at a time and very often has to stay there all weekend to meet deadlines to.

Bf assures me it was nothing and it won't happen again, should I just believe what he is saying

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 25/08/2015 20:01

What was he like when he got found out? Remorseg

JeanSeberg · 25/08/2015 20:01

Remorseful? Minimising?

Original poster

Anon136790 · 25/08/2015 20:04

I kicked him out for a few weeks, yes did minimize it, said it was just mucking around/joking etc, messages were pretty dirty so only really have there word that nothing happened

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 25/08/2015 20:07

Why did you take him back though? He showed you who he was.

Original poster

Anon136790 · 25/08/2015 20:10

Because I love him and he is a wonderful stepdad to my young children and I was so happy with him and our life.

Could it of just been a mistake/one off? Am I right to be worried about it now? What are the chances of him and her starting a affair?

OP posts:

LaLaox · 25/08/2015 20:43

I actually signed up here after reading your post.. I couldn't not reply!.

First thing is he was fully prepared to make it a physical affair as well as emotional. Therein lies the problem. He was going to cheat on you physically as well as his excuse of it being emotional.

The fact you chose to forgive him is entirely your right but I'm afraid he might say that was the end of it but in reality for you it has just begun. What you are left with is a dishonestspartner who you 9 not trust and you will drive yourself crazy thinking where is he? Is he with her? Etc.. true is if he doesn't cheat with her then it's more than likely it will be someone else. He went to cheat on you ... got away with it... went back to the place it all started. Why wouldn't he cheat now when he knows you will forgive him?

Sorry if this seems harsh but iv seen this happen a million times. She is not the problem. He is. No matter who you are you deserve better thn this.

Original poster

Anon136790 · 25/08/2015 20:43

He is going to be away for at least the next 2 weeks staying over

OP posts:

LaLaox · 25/08/2015 20:44

Also ... I believe you do love him but he is acting like he doesn't love you..Please don't set this example for your kids. If this was your daughter what would you tell her?

LoveLetters · 25/08/2015 20:48

Same thing happened to me. Still working together nearly destroyed me... Year later they started up the emotional affair again and by then I had just had our second baby. No one can predict the future but your anxiety over it will create a problem in your relationship. You won't be able to help it. So sorry about this, I know how horrid it is

AuntyMag10 · 25/08/2015 20:59

When he cheated on you with the ea he made a choice to hurt you and your children. How can you see him as great to yourll when he probably would have went on to a physical relationship if you hadn't found out.

goddessofsmallthings · 25/08/2015 21:01

Is the girl still working there? Regardless, he was obviously up for it then and there's no guarantee that he won't be again, either with her or with another woman.

Unless you can bring yourself to a point where you hope for the best but expect the worst with equanimity, you may drive yourself mad wondering what he's up to and this in itself will most probably have an adverse effect on your relationship with him.

Is he worth the stress?

Wando · 25/08/2015 22:20

It seems very suspicious to go back to the same place if the girl is still working there; keep your antenna on for anything unusual.

Fairenuff · 25/08/2015 22:27

Personally I would not have taken him back because, as you have found out OP, you can never fully trust him.

Now I would just end it. He doesn't care enough about your feelings to do the decent thing and stay away from her. It's a very basic principle if you are trying to rebuild a relationship.

Save yourself the agony of a long, drawn out, suspicious end to this and stop it now.

TheStoic · 26/08/2015 01:43

How will you feel every time he leaves home to work away? Do you want that to be your life?

But in all honesty...there are women in every workplace. If he doesn't sort himself out, he will just find another one.

The problem is him.

Whatifitoldyou · 26/08/2015 02:55

Unfortunately it's not at all uncommon for affairs to start up again. I personally couldn't cope with this. Why has he returned to the same workplace ?

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 06:03

I think you need to tell him how uncomfortable you are in no uncertain terms. Let's see what his reaction is then.

Isetan · 26/08/2015 07:28

This particular woman wasn't and isn't the problem, it's the lying cheat she had the misfortune to meet. Unfortunately for you, the lying cheat is someone you knowingly choose to stay in a relationship with. The price of being with 'this' guy, is knowing that chatting up and arranging to hook up with women other than you, is not something he has a problem with.

His attitude is the problem, not where he works.

Hissy · 26/08/2015 07:35

If put him on notice if I were you.

This is full and open contempt tbh.

Anyone in fear of losing their partner would never consider doing this. He has zero appreciation for you, your feelings or the relationship he has with you. He's NOT being a good step anything.

If he thinkS this is acceptable, he's got another think coming

Original poster

Anon136790 · 27/08/2015 18:41

So he is still away and will be until after bank holiday as are working to meet a deadline and all the recent rain has put them behind.

He has today changed his Facebook profile picture to one of the both of us...... This is a good sign right???? Or am I cluthing at straws? Is this something a man cheating would do?

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 27/08/2015 18:44

No that's a bad sign. It means he is messing with you. He says he wants a break and he implies that he doesn't. He's an idiot. Change your fb status to single and be done with him.

JustOneMinuteAtATime · 27/08/2015 18:45

Well, if he's cheating with her, she already knows about you - so it probably doesn't make a difference. If you think he might be generally cheating, it's probably a good sign.

The thing is, he needed to rebuild your trust. He didn't. He lied and minimised and now you can't trust him. At this point, unless he changes his tune, you're probably going to either lose him or lose your mind.

Wando · 27/08/2015 21:57

It's not a good or a bad sign. The fact is he shouldn't work with her.

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