Please I need a listening ear, am I emotionally abused or do I abuse, I think I'm going ga ga

[stablemabel]

Hi everyone, I've been reading a lot on the subject in the last few days and although I understand a lot of it I'm also totally confused.

My DH seems to fit into the category of an abuser very well from all the descriptions but also a few sentences I read made me think 'well does it apply to me?' eg it said abusers say they feel unappreciated and this is exactly what I said to DH recently because I do feel extremely underappreciated!!

B.O.B, I work part time and have two teens, 14 and 16yrs. In both areas work and home, I work extremely hard. DH too works hard and I often acknowledge that, I also acknowledge all the stuff he does at home where he does bigger jobs mainly and I do the lion's share of the housework/shopping on a daily basis. On top of that both DC have health issues which I manage and I have worked very hard to manage. DD esp is also a 'difficult' teen to handle at the moment (teen girls need I say more) and let's say I do all the handling. He has never given me any passing recognition for the work that I have done and believe me it's been hard . I'm not asking for a medal, I'm their mum, I love them and I get on with it but just the odd comment would be nice.

Anyway I feel like a light bulb went on in my head the other day after DH started to accuse me of being moany and not enjoying things after I had made a few (what I intended as) jokes. I had actually specifically gone to DH to say that I had enjoyed the day he had organised and thank him for it, not realising how he had taken my intended jokes, honestly they were in no way cruel, just very light sarcasm which was actually directed at a description of something in a book,not at him. He said we should stop 'dragging each other down' which came as an utter shock to me, and felt like the rug was being pulled from under me. It was then (thinking about it I have told him this before though) that it dawned on me that I am never allowed to 'moan' (even if I'm not moaning) or feel negative or frustrated about anything whereas he does this quite a lot. Eg one time we went to see a performer I really liked and there was a large chap sat infront of me who kept moving his head from side to side blocking my view. After a few mins of this I perhaps sighed and told him and the sharp reply I got was 'well stop moaning and swap seats with me'
Then the other day I had been trying to organise and pay for something online when DC came and interrupted me at the payment stage at the last min, I didn't know if it had taken payment and thought I might have to do the whole thing again. When I got upset ( not with her I might add) he said nothing at the time but a few days later said I should not be getting so frustrated with things as if I've got some fault and I need to calm down!
Honestly, I think to myself, does he think I'm a bleedin' robot or something?

I'm not perfect, who is, but a relative of mine told me I am the most patient and reasonable person and I know that I am, god I've got to be!

I tried to talk to him recently about the fact that I am exhausted and the DC, teens will be teens, don't tend to help much and if I ask them (I ask nicely, at worst I sound cheesed off if the house is a tip ) to help it's the sighing, eye rolling and back chat, usual teen stuff. So I tried to tell him I need more help off them and less attitude if I did ask for help. Anyway this just led to a big row as if I was somehow having a go at him when all I was asking for was a little support He said we shouldn't have to tell them what to do at their age they should 'know' FFS sake, a lot of adults don't know what they should do to pull their weight never mind two teens I was left feeling flat and that the problem just lay with me and the way I asked them, oh and apparently I also shouldn't explain why I want anything doing. Sometimes I say 'do it now please' sometimes I will explain if I think it helps, either way I am wrong apparently.
The upshot is, if I don't say, hoover your room, tidy yours books, put your rubbish away then it either doesn't get done or I end up doing it.

I feel like I have had enough and wanted to 'walk' the other day, I just feel like I can't give any more physical, mental and emotional energy to it all. I feel bad for feeling like this and I love DC dearly and still love DH and he can be lovely. However at the moment my brain just keeps remembering time after time that he has upset me. CAn someone please help me think a bit more clearly? Thank you if you have read all this, it's mammoth.

I sort of agree with your dh that the teens do know what needs doing, they are just trying to avoid doing it. But he should support you in getting them to comply. I would work on that if I were you and see if your relationship with your dh improves. They are too old to be waited on.

He sounds a Bit of a Tit.

The normal reaction in our house to a moan is "can it be fixed and if so, how?". If it can't be fixed, a supportive partner offers sympathy. Your complaints about the DCs should be backed up in their presence. Punishment should then be doubled: once for the thing, once for needing support.

Show them a blade: book a hotel, tell them the house is to be spotless on your return, and as you leave whisper this in your partner's ear: "the very next time you undermine me front of the DCs or anyone else, we are finished".

I agree with fairenuff I'm also not sure labelling either of you as abusive is very helpful.
I don't really have any answers I'm afraid but you mentioned he was annoyed about that he didn't mention for a few days and at the end you said that you just keep remembering times that he has upset you so maybe that's just what he did.
I really hope you get more helpful answers and your family gets to a better place soon.

I know what you mean Fairenuff but what I was trying to say is, as a lot of people know, esp WAGS/WAPS on here, a lot of grown men don't seem to know what to do round the house or are too bone idle to help keep it a bit clean an tidy. I just don't want my two growing up selfish to their current family or their futures partners iyswim.

Disgrace hmmmm, part of me would like to but I can really see that only going one way.

I don't think this is ea but I'm not you. When I was in a abusive relationship it got to the point where I wrote down our conversations and arguments as he would lie and have me believing I was lying. I was gaslighted and manipulated a lot.

I would say you sound pretty stressed and in need of finding something you enjoy before you end up with stress related symptoms like ibs, aches and pains. It could be the gym, yoga, painting, small diy projects ect ect.

I can't see abuse on either side here. Just low level frustration and bickering? You do need to be on the same page re teenagers but the problem I find is that you're solving problems as they arise, so both 'winging it'.

Ideally you would have a pre planned joint approach but it's easier said than done. You don't want to start an argument out of nowhere so the discussion gets dropped.

a lot of grown men don't seem to know what to do round the house or are too bone idle to help keep it a bit clean an tidy. I just don't want my two growing up selfish to their current family or their futures partner

Then teach them otherwise. They should have been helping out for years but you can't turn back time so start now and give them responsibilities.

Of course you will have to tell them to start with but that only takes a second and then they will get on a hoover, or whatever. It doesn't have to be a big drama.

I feel I just want a bit of support and team work, honestly, my DC can be a bit on their own planets in day to day life, they are both forgetful and go into their own 'zones' if you like (computors etc don't help do they).so it's sometimes hard to know what they should be realising wants/needs doing. Whenever they do help I always try to thank them, I think that's important too.

OP you need to take control. Turn off the wifi until jobs are done.

I always have done Fairenuff that's what I'm saying, it's only me doing it though 99% of the time and it's wearing, that's what I'm trying to get through to him.

part of me would like to but I can really see that only going one way

I see. Which means that he regards demeaning and undermining you as more important and more fun than preserving the relationship. It's all on his terms: he gets to be the good guy with the kids, he feels superior because he's aloof to your very real complaints and he's trained you walk on eggshells. Yoda says "Big girl pants, put them on you must".

I did this with my children - I was a single mum when they were about 11/8 onwards. When they were in their teens and I came home to yet another mess, I called them both down and told them that when I came home to find mess like that, I wanted to leave home. I said that I wouldn't go, but that I wanted to. I said that when I saw a mess like that I felt disrespected and unloved and that given everything, absolutely everything, I did was for them, to keep them happy and healthy, I was very upset that nothing was done for me.

I said it really quietly and then said I was going out for a couple of hours because I couldn't stand to see the house like that as it made me think of how little I meant to them.

I went to a Starbucks or somewhere and stayed out until about 8pm. When I came home the house was tidy and I had an apology off each.

Thanks for all your replies and good idea Imperial this is the sort of thing I do say to them, not every day but I've certainly said it more than once so that they know how their actions/non actions affect other people, it is so important to teach them that isn't it? Just not done the Starbucks thing...yet

I agree with fairenuff I'm also not sure labelling either of you as abusive is very helpful.

I agree too.