Feeling very down about having completely useless parents and no one there for me

[yummytummy]

Hi

Going through a really difficult divorce. Exh was physically and mentally abusive. Have always had very difficult relationship with parents. They have never respected my boundaries or ever treated me as anything but a thick 5 year old. They adored the ex and still blame me for not holding on to my husband and not keeping him happy. When he fractured my wrist they said oh but what did you do to make him angry go back and sort it out. When I had to call police how could you do that to him it will ruin his career.

Loads loads more also when i had dd was in lot of pain asked them to come on the sun rather than sat they just came anyway and blanked me the whole time as i had dared to say no to when they wanted to come

Also since the split they have been on numerous holidays and when I have asked for financial help as struggling they said oh well we worked hard to educate you now u desl with it ur ungrateful and grabby blah blah

Anyway I am very minimal contact with them as it just causes too much stress and pain. I made mistake of sending pic of dd in new uniform to dad. Started ok then it was all you have messedup your life i ssid about finances again its not our problem we worked hard now we want to enjoy. Fine but as a parent how can u stand by see your child struggle to buy uniform and go on luxury breaks. Even court appearances have had to go alone as thry were away and no friends free

I just feel so desperately alone and hurt and that there is no one behind me to help me. Ex is awful they don't care and everything is on top of me. I have to somehow raise dcs alone find another job etc etc and i am so sad of having no support

I look at friends with nice parents and it just tears me apart

Not sure what i am after but gd to let it out. Is anyone else alone like ghis how can I handle it better

They do not sound any better than your ex Best not to have any expectations at all from them at all and let the minimal contact dwindle, and get on with getting on.

It will be hard, but you will manage alone, and be that nice, but good enough parent to your dc.

There is no excuse for their lack of emotional support. Particularly in light of the fact that you've clearly been a victim of violence.

I agree with whatevva that it's best that you minimise your expectations of any support (practical, financial, emotional) from their direction. They have made it clear that they are not willing to help you, so the only thing you can do is to accept that and to get out there and live your own life. Try to let it power you to prove them wrong - and you'll find that when you win their approval, it actually doesn't mean very much at all.

It is hard to be alone. I know how you feel - my parents are very, very unsupportive too. They have subsidized my sister out to a tune of over £100k by letting her live rent-free in their property for 15 years (even though she has a great job, and even though it meant that when I was at risk and homeless I had absolutely nowhere to go). It's not the lack of money that hurts, it's the fact that they are prepared to bend over backwards for two decades to support her, and yet can't even be bothered to travel for a couple of hours to visit me. They have been to my house twice in five years, despite having an open invitation because they cannot be arsed to drive here, even though they are in good health and retired. I've never asked them for anything and never will. I live my own life, well away from them, and I am happier and healthier for it.

Thanks yes i think i shouldn't really expect anything from them as it just won't come.

Thanks shovetheholly yes mine treat my brother completely differently too and it hurts as it shows they are capable of empathy just not to me. How have you dealt with it and recovered from the hurt? I am happy that you have

I feel your pain Yummy, I have been treated much the same by my parent. Like you, I suffered physical and emotional abuse towards the end of my marriage. My divorce was horrendous, the lack of love,empathy and comfort from her, would take your breath away if I were to describe it here.

How do they stand by and watch you struggle ? Simply , because in their world , they can. Head over to the Stately Homes thread, much good advice there.

For me, the turning point came when my parent ( I can't use the word mother, as I see those as special people) left me in a soggy heap on the floor(literally) just a few days after my exh had left me , saying she would be back when the drama was over! I came to realise , that I would never be fully supported by her. I am only useful when she needs a task sorting.

Make a plan for yourself Yummy, set achievable targets of where you would like to be, say in a few years time. You can do it. Do it for you and your dc.
It might be hard but there is much help out there when you look in the right places .

You will find the more independent you become the less you will come to need assistance from those who do not give freely of their time or money, I have found these type of people feed on our neediness.

You are allowed to grieve for the parents that you thought you had, would like to have and then in time you move on. Hugs

yummy - In my case, the lack of support is because my DM was very violent and unreasonable growing up, and I think now I'm outside the family dynamic, she knows that I have this different perspective on it and that I don't agree with her that it was right and I deserved it. I never raise it and never blame her (she was very mentally ill), but I think at some level her self-justification relies on my being forced out of the family unit. It used to feel like I had been her victim twice over. It still hurts now, but not all the time. Not every day. Not even every week. But occasionally.

I think I got there partly just by the passage of time - you get used to it, you accept it instead of raging against it, and you build your own life. I've had therapy too, which helped. And also, I read up on scapegoating and how it works which was a tremendous lightbulb moment. Understanding why it happened (and how it wasn't my fault) helped.

Oops, posted too soon - meant to add: I second the rec for the stately homes thread. There are some wise people in there who will know what you are going through.

Also, I think it's important as a starting point to realise this isn't fair, and that it's OK to be upset about that - but that you can't necessarily change it. Channeling your energy into things that will be effective matters.

I've also suffered very similar from my DM and also been rejected by the rest of the family...v. long story.

I think it was the continual hoping on my part that kept the dynamic going and once I stopped hoping for change and greatly lowered expectations I accepted how things were...and how they were going to continue. Certain people just do not change, they are enjoying their power and superiority too much.

Look after yourself, look elsewhere for support...counselling, therapy, support groups, friends. Kind, mentally healthy people are out there and can give greater support than family.

I also agree do some reading and understand what is going on. It helps. Put your energy into finding a job, your friends, your daughter, and being good to yourself. Just think you don't have to put up with any more criticisms, judgments, cruelty, duty or obligations if you decide to stand alone. But you aren't alone...you and your daughter can have great times together, do so much together and make lots of memories....which won't be tainted.

You can do it, it is a bit of a time thing too but take it one day at a time and in the meantime plan days out, walks, picnics, museum, sleepovers, painting, making books, baking, swimming, jigsaws, board games etc. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Good luck.

I'm so sorry - this is very sad. I sense you just have to cut the cord; it sounds like you get nothing from this.

There is a reason you thought on some level that your ex was ok... Because with parents like yours you grew up used to not mattering.

Basically, the only way out of this is away from them. You may have to go NO CONTACT

This is never a decision taken lightly, but can grant you the peace and space you need to heal and grow strong again, without their poison crippling you.

I'm so sorry, it's shit, but you don't have to put up with any of it.

If you tell them something like not to come over and they ignore it, repeat your decision and ask them to come another time and close the door.

Hard, scary, but it has to be done.

Without these people in your life in time you will see how wonderful other people are and exactly what you should have had.

I know exactly where you're coming from and find myself in a not dissimilar position. I've been NC with mine for about 6 months but spilled my heart about my recent marriage breakdown when they got in contact a month ago. I was told it was my own fault for being a "terrible wife and mother" and then they demanded a breakdown of my finances.

I happily went NC again but 2 days ago found out they have been contacting my DC when they're with their father. :( x 1000

My parents shit fifties and I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up trust funds for my children that will see them in luxury when they turn 30. Meanwhile I'll probably have to pull DC2 out of nursery as the car is about to die.

Sorry your parents are so shit. Don't ask them for my favours and don't speak to them - what good they do you? You'll feel better for it.

You're very strong for getting through a difficult divorce without any familial support - congratulate yourself for that.

I don't have a good relationship with my family but try to make friends who are lovely and treat them as kindly as I can - so not only have fun times with them but help with childcare etc and I am fortunate to have the favours returned. I hope your friends will step up as you deserve and need support.

You are epic and you are enough for yourself and your DD. your life will only get better - head up and focus on the future :)

Please please let these rotten people be your motivators. Find determination from within to improve your life. Then smile at them and do nothing else.

Let your haters be your motivators!

This is what I remember when people get me down. Even those close to me. It's hard but as my life slowly improves its a kick in the gut to my haters.

Thanku thanku all for your lovely support. Swisscheesetony sorry to hear you are going through similar its so horrible isnt it. I do feel slightly less of a freak now tho to hear its not just me with these issues.

I appreciate the advice of focusing forward and building my own life with my dcs albeit a lonely one. I used to think my life had ended as i didn't have a partner but I need to try to make some kind of a life even if i am single. I do crave someone so much i think just as I have always felt so alone. But i realise thats not the priority for now

I appreciate everyone's kindness so much it has helped a lot.

It helps to hear how others cope with similar

Yes, it's really hard doing everything by yourself. Bringing up a child.

The best we can do is to have no expectations. You just have to get on with it every day.

((hugs to all))

Thanks for all responses just bumping for hopefully more

You're looking for us to tell you it'll be ok, that one day your parents will be the ones you deserve...

Sadly that's not going to happen.

I know how dreadful the pain of that realisation is, nothing else hurts like it.

This thread could run to pages and pages, but nothing new will be said, because there's nothing more you can do, and sadly nothing more you can ever expect.

The sooner you are able to accustomise yourself to the idea, the sooner the hurt will dull.

Your parents and family have failed you, not because you weren't good enough, much to the contrary, because they are not good enough.

I know you want to know that everything will be ok in the end.

It will be, you will be better. You will be strong and happy...

But you have to minimise or remove contact with those that hurt and harm you to get there.

You really are worth that immense effort, you really hold a chance of far greater future happiness without them.

Keep posting, we know what you are feeling. We know this is not easy.

Thanks hissy. Yes I know they won't ever be what I want and I have to accept it.

Its hard when other people with nice families don't really get it though. Its all oh but i am sure they are not that bad they are parents they love you you should try harder with them they getting older they did so much when you were younger blah blah aaaargh

Drives me mad as you try and explain and end up looking like the crazy one

Thats why mn and stately homes thread so helpful as in rl everyone seems to have a perfect family and it feels as if its only you in this position

Very sad to read. They sound so so difficult. I think NC is the only way forward.

It is validating to hear i am not unreasonable to feel like this. For years they make out its my fault i am ungrateful not good enough etc. Its good to hear that actually maybe its not me and the fault lies with them

It is not your fault. They are the ones making your life miserable when their role should be to support you come what may.