Is this a red flag ? Feel like I can't trust my judgement anymore...

[NancyPiecrust]

I have had a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable men...and have come to understand that I am probably a bit co dependent on account of having quite a cold and difficult father growing up..hence me becoming addicted to trying to get love from difficult people.

I am trying to move on and start afresh after ending an abusive relationship and am now finding myself questioning my judgment when it comes to who I fancy...I am now worried I am drawing these men to me without even knowing it...or more likely seeing red flags and ignoring them because I think he has come into my life 'for a reason' or I really like him. Now I'm not sure if I should be going for someone who I don't get a pull to ?!? IYSWIM ?

Anyway so I quite like this guy, friend of a friend who I was told fancied me by our mutual friend... when we met twice in social situations he has been really lovely, attentive, asked me questions, actually seemed interested in the answers, seemed kind of 'fascinated' with me, very sweet and quite quiet (opposite to my ex who was very loud in a social situation which I would sometimes find exhausting!) he was very sweet with my daughter and was like: 'she's so cute and so happy!!' he seemed amazed with her at how sociable & at ease she was in this social situation we met in. I sort of could just feel he was looking at me across the room a few times and when he started chatting to me, even when I was distracted with my daughter he still didn't walk off and talk to someone else he waited until I was finished giving her her juice or something and then continued the conversation. He also gave me quite a lingering hug when we said goodbye, which seemed like we were old friends when we had just met. At this point I was still with my ex so that's as far as it went. We knew we both fancied each other I think but that was it & I wasn't really thinking anything of it because I was still trying to work out my relationship issues with exDP.
Our mutual friend who I know him through & who knows him very well said at the time, that he is a really lovely guy but he is a bit damaged as he just got dumped by a girl he moved abroad to be with. Apparently they seemed super happy and then she just decided she didn't want to be with him anymore & he had no idea why. This was a few months ago. And now it's been probably 10 months since that happened to him. Our mutual friend says that he's been really heartbroken and has just been working & dating to try and get over this girl and now is getting a bit bored of just dating random girls and going on loads of dates. He also a few months ago had a one night stand after a party with another mutual friend of ours when they were both really drunk...then the next morning he regretted it and felt awkward about it as it was a close friend of a friend (ie could have been me!) and he actually confessed to our friend (not the one he slept with) that he really wasn't that in to her & it was a drunken mistake.

So considering all this ...that he is 10 months out from being dumped....that I was drawn to him...that he slept with a friend of mine (who I have seen 2 x since I had a baby...so not a very close friend anymore) Errrr is it totally bad to fancy him? Am I ignoring red flags again or could he just be a normal nice guy who had a one night stand and regretted it NBD?

Your over analysing due to not trusting your instincts. If you was really attracted to men who aren't available then why are you still attracted now you both are? In fact don't answer that! Why don't you get to know him with no pressures, see for yourself rather then trying to figure everything out to avoid risk. Sometimes in life we have to take risks. As long as they don't involve men who are addicts, abusive, gambling or debt problems then I'd say go for it and see for yourself :)

I can't see any red flags from what you have described.
Take it nice and slow and see how it goes.
If you really want an insight to red flags, you should do the Freedom Programme. Contact Womens Aid and go along to the course or do it on-line.
Might be of help to you.

I think you need to enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme and widen your own friendship circle.

"Our mutual friend who I know him through & who knows him very well said at the time, that he is a really lovely guy but he is a bit damaged as he just got dumped by a girl he moved abroad to be with. Apparently they seemed super happy and then she just decided she didn't want to be with him anymore & he had no idea why. This was a few months ago. And now it's been probably 10 months since that happened to him. Our mutual friend says that he's been really heartbroken and has just been working & dating to try and get over this girl and now is getting a bit bored of just dating random girls and going on loads of dates. He also a few months ago had a one night stand after a party with another mutual friend of ours when they were both really drunk...then the next morning he regretted it and felt awkward about it as it was a close friend of a friend (ie could have been me!) and he actually confessed to our friend (not the one he slept with) that he really wasn't that in to her & it was a drunken mistake"

Think mutual friend is acting in their interests rather than yours. This man is according to said friend a bit damaged, dumped and does not know why (yes right)?. All that should have you running swiftly in the opposite direction.

There is more than enough in the above for you to take heed; he is not ready to embark on any sort of relationship and I would also think you are not either. Your radar is still not quite right here because you are pursuing someone who is still emotionally unavailable. I would also suggest you read the Baggage Reclaim website as well because you could well be placing yourself in the position of Fallback girl to Mr Emotionally Unavailable.

If you have never properly addressed your co-dependency issues through counselling I would suggest you do that as well now.

Thanks for your responses.. I am about to go to counselling this week to resolve my co dependency issues.

Attila - what do you mean when you say mutual friend is acting in her interests rather than mine? What do you think her interests might be? At the time she said this she was in a relationship with his friend. Just to give a bit of context....

I kind of think she was saying 'he's a great guy but he's just heartbroken from being dumped right now' That was about 4 months ago. And in total 10 months since he moved back to London as his girlfriend ended it with him. Apparently he was completely shocked as she just said she didn't want to be with him anymore & they weren't having any relationship problems so it hit him out of the blue.

Anyway yes I'm not really thinking of taking things any further with him and any guy I meet I would obviously spend A LOT of time building a friendship before any sort of serious relationship happens. But in terms of just examining the fact that I fancy him (I started to like him in that first meeting in the social situation - my friends birthday party - and then after the party I said that her boyfriend's friend so-and-so is really nice and I had a really good chat with him - she said "Oh yeah I showed him a photo of you ages ago and he said he thought you were hot" (don't know why she showed him as I was in a relationship at the time!) Then she gave me 'the lowdown' on the fact he's back in London and why etc etc. I'm friends with him on Facebook and seems to have a together family - ie his parents are still together and the main photos are just him and friends in a cottage in Wales and him and his family on holiday all together. And he has a sister...always think guys who have sisters are way more tuned in to women's emotions & not as phased by them ! He just seems pretty normal. And I fancied him before I knew the lowdown. So maybe I just thought he was good looking and I liked the vibe that he kinda fancied me & was being attentive to me.

I will look into Freedom Programme and that Baggage Reclaim site....Do you have to pay for Freedom Programme ?

Attila I don't think having being heartbroken is in itself a red flag. I have had a heart smackdown or two and I have been thoroughly 'broken' at the time and quite bewildered as to why it happened, yet I have mended and gone on to form a solid, loving relationship. I suspect I'm not the only one.

I would hold back on asking mutual friend for any more lowdowns on this - they sound a bit over-zealous on the matchmaking side of things. It's good that you have mutual friends - now you can get to know each other better.

Hang about - I was damaged when my ex had an affair.
I might never have found out and he could have just dumped me.

Maybe his Ex-GF has someone else on the scene and dumped him but he knows nothing about it.
If we have been in love and it's all fallen apart then we are damaged in some way.
I don't think I'll ever trust a man the same way again.
Doesn't make me someone that people should avoid or have people running swiftly in the opposite direction.

No not a red flag. Go for it!

No not a red flag. Go for it!

It's his values which will ultimately matter to you, not so much things like his style or volume of speech, or even how enthusiastic he appears before or at the beginning of a relationship.

I can see two potential red flags:

1. He reportedly has no understanding of why his girlfriend decided to end their relationship. If this is true what is lacking - ability to communicate / emotional intelligence / healthy personality? Maybe it's not true and he doesn't want people to know the reason.

1. He doesn't seem to have given himself a chance to truly recover from this apparent trauma 10 months ago, but has just kept himself distracted by work and multiple dates.

It's possible it could still work out but you would have to proceed with caution.

Looks like an amber flag to me!