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Relationships

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Original poster

Changing friendships after a baby

15 replies

Orchid84 · 24/08/2015 13:27

Hi everyone,

My baby is due in three weeks and have noticed that friendships are already shifting and I'm worried about how it's going to feel after my baby has arrived. My close friends are either single, not thinking about children yet or (in one case) generally anti-babies. My husband is ten years older than me and so are his female friends, several of whom have embarked on conversations with me about how they have 'missed the boat' when it comes to children. I am feeling increasingly awkward as my friends really don't seem to understand what a major life change having a baby is going to be and might think I don't have time for them anymore and be hurt and I am worried that one of them will not want to see me so much as she cannot tolerate babies being noisy/being sick etc. Equally I don't know how to respond to those who bemoan not having children because it makes me feel guilty, which I know is irrational! Any tips would be appreciated, or just to know this is has been a concern for others too!
Thanks!

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 24/08/2015 14:10

Some relationships will change, but you are worrying about a future you can't predict.

Some people will surprise you, done will support you and some will wane away.

You'll also make new friends if you join NCT groups or baby massage/swim classes who will go through the same things as you and be the understanding ones with a spare wet wipe, ornaments on high shelves and sticky-up hair and baggy eyelids!

Try not to dwell on a future you can't alter, be yourself and keep in touch and see how it goes.

Wando · 25/08/2015 23:07

NCT groups in particular form the lifeblood of many new mums social circle. Having people going through the same challenges does make things easier. Don't worry it's just a stage of life.

Zanymummy · 25/08/2015 23:50

Having a baby should make no difference as you can still pursue your joint interests when you and hubby juggle child care between you, my friends are at a different stage in life also not because we are young but because i gave birth 5 months ago and we are in our forties but apart from a break from girlie nights out every so often we still regualry meet up and have fun and enjoy each others company and the friends that wont/don't have anything to do with you regarding this then you have to face it are no friends at all

Wando · 26/08/2015 06:57

It might not make a difference for some but for the many it's a hard time. Try and keep your existing friends but be open to new relationships with people you will have so much in common with

BikeRunSki · 26/08/2015 07:18

A very good friend of 15 years - someone I saw or spoke too almost every day - cooled off after DS was born. By the time DS was 1, I didn't see or hear from him anymore and he didn't respond to any of my communications. It really hurt, and I'm still a bit sore and confused now (ds is 7 next month). On the other hand, I have made some fabulous new friends through my DC. Still gutted though.

whattodohatethis · 26/08/2015 07:23

Mother and baby groups are brilliant for new friends.
I have a photo that was taken at baby group one Christmas with me, DS and a group of mums and babies. All of us are still good friends now :)

Your friendships will likely change and some will drift apart, it is just one of the parts of having a baby unfortunately.

Sheezus · 26/08/2015 10:37

Friendships do change, some for the better.

The majority adjust.
I had one friend who doesn't have kids and she is the most fantastic person ever to them. She just loves being around them and they her.

I had another friend who I'd have been closer to but she couldn't adjust to my family at all. She was very hurtful to me at various times (about my parenting choices) and it did break our friendship.
She has since had children herself and attempts contact but I can't see past what she said. No loss really!!!

Original poster

Orchid84 · 26/08/2015 12:13

Thank you for all your messages, it's good to know that it's not just me who is experiencing this! I have met some great people at NCT classes and I think we will be able to support each other and build friendships. And I will take your advice and see how it goes with the rest of my friends!

OP posts:

Lightbulbon · 26/08/2015 12:29

It's very common for friendships to end when one has a DC.

Keep your expectations low and put effort into making new friends.

Wando · 26/08/2015 12:31

NCT is a lifeline to so many; it certainly had a profound impact on me.

lanbro · 26/08/2015 17:20

My friendships changed when I met dh, dc followed soon after. I don't see any of my old school friends but have made some wonderful new friends through dc. It can take work though, a bit like dating! Friendships that don't stand the test of time aren't worth it anyway imo

Smilingforth · 26/08/2015 23:01

You should meet many new friends. It doesn't mean the old ones disappear just that you now (often) have less immediately in common with them.

3rdSymphony · 26/08/2015 23:19

Calm down about it, OP. Yes, it's largely inevitable that some friendships will change or even end when you have a child, especially if a lot of your friendships are with people who don't have or don't plan to have children, but there's little you can do about it.

I had my son at 40, and lost two close friends who I'd thought were happily childfree but who turned out not to be, and having me transfer from the category of 'happily childfree' to 'mother' was too hard for them, and brought up regrets. I've hardly seen either since. Another high-flying colleague who was a good friend has had difficulty with me being less totally concentrated on my career. Unlike many, I haven't replaced them with new parent friends.

But you can't legislate for that. People change, and relationships don't stay the same.

newnamesamegame · 27/08/2015 06:16

Hi OP,

FYI I have one very old and close friend who is single and childless (and at the age where its unlikely that this will change) and she really struggled with her friends having new babies for a while and our relationship was tough for a while.

But since my DD has been older and more of a "person" (her words, and meaning a more independent person as opposed to a squawling, bawling baby), they've become very close and my friend and I have developed a new and much stronger relationship.

As 3rdSymphony says, relationships change and your impending motherhood may change some of your friendships and there's not much you can do about it.

But I think its worth remembering that some of the people who may initially struggle with the idea of your being a mum or find it difficult may adapt to it as you and your baby grow and life moves on.

Also new mums are, I think its fair to say, obsessed with their babies and frankly can be quite dull for non-mums to be around. Which is as it should be. You will find that the older your child gets, the more "me" time you have and the more you crave company that doesn't centre around discussion about colic and sleep etc. That's often when your old friends come into your own.

Try not to over-think it. If some of your friends are not there for you, expand your social circle. Don't write your old friends off but accept that they may not be the people to help you at this point in time.

Wando · 27/08/2015 12:08

Well said newnamesagame

Life is never the same after the first child. For most people it's the single biggest change in their lives ( and for the better).

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