Completely clueless about dating

[allofmycolours]

Firstly I am male and aged 42. I apologise if this is not considered the correct place to post and by all means remove my post those who hold the reins here if you feel that is the case. I read some of the other posts by female MNers and if nothing else if you are worried about dating and think men are scary or something this may make you feel better. I just came out of a 6 year relationship. I am contemplating seeking another relationship. I suppose I have some things to offer however I prefer to focus on my flaws and consequently worry noone will want to be with me. I will probably try OD as a starting point and hopefully this time it won't take me 6 months to choose a photo and have to spend £ at a professional photographer (male) who assumes I am gay and asks me to dinner which I consider accepting as I am hungry and grateful for the unexpected boost to my self esteem. I spend some time sucking my cheeks in in car mirrors to make it look like I have cheekbones and then have to pretend I was smoothing something away. I know less about women than I did when I was 16 and I knew nothing then. I am exactly 7 kilos overweight but prefer to say it like that as it sounds better than 1.5 stone and I can convince myself I am European and therefore sophisticated. I haven't perfected the art of smiling at women (or men) in non threatening public spaces such as art galleries because it makes my face look fat. I have a kind of half smile that makes passport security guards detain me for longer than usual. I try to persuade myself that greying temples are in but still pull them out. I agonise over whether to ask a woman out and an secretly relieved when she mentions she has a boyfriend. I constantly internally reproach myself for finding someone physically attractive as frankly they are unlikely to think the same about me. I am happy when I see superficially unattractive men in a relationship as it gives me hope. I am trying to time the next back wax I go for Correctly so I don't end up in bed with someone while sporting back stubble like a burned field of corn. I am the modern male and would like to say to any woman who is in anyway insecure about herself read this and be reassured. As the guy from the Inbetweeners said whatever else goes wrong for you at least you are not me

Bit of a diversion there
Point is OP, for all sorts of reasons, you're not on your own having a wobble about dating

Do the therapy. And do the things you want to do. This will be make you happier, more confident and at least if you don't meet anyone - you've had fun along the way!

I just spent two hours kayaking on the Mekong Delta. Who needs a boyfriend? it'd be nice but it's not the end of the world.

FWIW, I'm attractive (in a ordinary enough way), smart, funny, kind, employed, adventurous - over 40 of course with dyed out grey hair , but under the magic 9st (being short helps - I'll never be 5'7" even in heels!) so all in all not a bad catch. Men have been lucky to date me But... Put 'em in a line up for a model scout and none of them will pass muster! They've all done it for me, but they've all been ordinary - with a few probably 'unattractive' features - a belly, a big nose etc. I won't say I don't judge physically because of course I'm either attracted or not. BUT - it's absolutely not on a basic 1 to 10 of classic good looks features. You will not be judged by women as harshly as you judge yourself, I promise you that.

And FFS loads of women think grey hair is great on a man. So unfair!!!

Cabrinha is right - attractiveness comes in many forms - the funniest people for example are often the most attractive.

Ok Cabrinha thank you for all you have said and I am sorry if I was thin skinned. That will be on the therapist agenda. I would like to say that there are I believe more men out there than you think who certainly at our age look beyond looks. BTW my last partner from whom I recently split was 55 and I am 42. I was 35 she 48 when we met. Ig I do eventually do OD I will probably search ages 30 to 60. I would also like to say that if I look around friends acquaintances family when there is no relationship it is the men who most obviously struggle not the women. I know this is a generalisation. I attended a family funeral last year and the bereaved widow of 50 years wrote on the bouquet to her husband something like these words "My darling thank you for so many happy years I look forward to being with you one day soon". I am not ashamed to say my eyes still moisten when I write these words. It is this kind of love I wish to all those who look for it and yes myself too if I can pull myself off the ground.

OP, you sound lovely. I'm sure that when you've got your emotional shit together, you're going to find someone really fab. Xx

Thisisfolkgirl thank you. It is a long road I walk and I just want people to be nice and kind to each other as I know from experience we are not here for a long time x

Are you interested in LTR or ONS? I reckon both are within your reach.

Don't be in too much of a rush. Take your time and be ready.

Why do you think men struggle more?

I am not sure that men do

I feel your pain brother but what alternatives do youI have? If I was into big beefy blokes who hit stuff with hammers then I could meet someone at work, unfortunately I’m straight and I like slim(ish), intelligent girls about my age. I know I can be flamed for that but I likes what I likes and I can’t help it.

You are also swimming in a sea full of sharks. You sound really genuine but so does every player, serial dater and psychopath on the net. How does a girl pick the genuine ones???? Well they could pick me but they can’t tell I’m genuine from a few picks and a self deprecating profile.

As for your photo dilemma, pick a photo, pick several where you look like you. Smiley face, active shots etc. Sucking your cheeks in isn’t the way to go unless you can keep it up for the next forty years. You worry about a few pounds, I worry about hair loss and a face like a bag of spanners.

Jezest I have seen men struggle post relationship as they have not put the effort in to maintaining their own social circle. This is invariably a very bad mistake. I have tried to avoid it and have some good albeit scattered friends. I envy the closeness some women have with their friends IIABH.

I envy the closeness some women have with their friends IIABH.

Me too. They do stuff with their friends other than drink, watch sport etc. When I was married, my social life was managed by my ex in good ways and bad.