psychological damage caused by an emotionally abusive relationship.

[JanuaryKat]

He was/is very clever - so much more so than I am. I need some advice on how to deal with this.

I am at the sorting out the financial stage of divorce. I have a decree nisi. I applied for legal aid - I meet the criteria re domestic violence but have too much equity in property (but I don't have access to it).

How do people deal with the 'in limbo' stage?? He acts like he owns me & is still trying to control my life & he is to a certain extent. I'm still being bullied. It needs to stop. I can't exclude him from my life completely, because we have children. We have no proper arrangements for when he sees the children - he just turns up when he wants.

l need to keep him at arms length because of the psychological damage he has caused. To the outside world I am the 'mad bitch' he is mr perfect.
I need some advice on how to stay strong.

Share no personal information. Keep a formal polite response. Don't let him over the doorstep.

You must arrange visitation patterns with the DCs. For their benefit of regularity to their routine, and also because it's part of the control.

Never have him as a plan A for any scenario, always a Plan B. Especially when you start to rebuild your life around visitation patterns.

I think a swift divorce might be worth the investment - cut him out of your life as quickly as you can.

Deepen your friendship with those that were your friends or people that don't really know him.

Try not to get angry or upset in his presence, over the phone etc. men like this feed off the drama. Don't rise to anything or take the bait if he is goading you. Just tell him you'll speak when he stops acting like a child or being angry with you and stop the conversation.

When I took the cold role it really shook up my STBXH and the fact that he couldn't read me threw him off his antagonistic behavioural pattern.

Don't let him frighten you anymore, it's all desperate bullshit and you've been strong enough to get this far...

Thank you WallyB. I am trying to be indifferent.
Today was difficult. I tried to shut the door on him as he was ranting at me. It's a shit situation for the DCs to witness.
I hate to say it, but I actually fear him. He is a pathetic excuse of a 'man' yet I fear him & dread him turning up to collect the DC's.

It was four years from my Nisi to Absolute, mainly as I couldn't afford to set it away and there was a huge pile of financial shite to wade through.

I refused to have anything to do with any of his pensions. My solicitor though - probably still does - that I'm an idiot but I just wanted a line drawn so I could get out and not be beholden to him for (fucking) ever.

My sanity was saved by my solicitor sending him a letter telling him to ONLY contact me via text and then ONLY if it was do with child arrangements. He would slip up (with alcohol) and text random shit that always begged for an answer. No way was I going to get into a text discussion with him - however 'friendly' - and would ignore.

Anyway. My financials are sorted and I'm done! Woohoo! Since he received the absolute he has been trying to mindfuck the DCs. How we're all fucked when he dies, what a bitch and a 'Cxxx' I am and for some reason comparing himself to Hitler. They've ignored most of this and point blank refused to ever stay with him again.

These arseholes hate losing their last bit of control and man, it feels so good!

Oh I had the fear too. Of his texts and him collecting the DCs. Change his name in your mobile to Fucktard Fartface or something. And change his text tone to a farting one - best 49p I ever spent!

It's baby steps to you taking control back.

My solicitor did not take payment until my settlement was reached. Perhaps yours would do likewise?

Agree with getting some solid visitation in place. Draw up a court order (I did), detailing exact times of drop-off/pick-up. Stick to it ALWAYS. He will muck about with it but, as far as possible, don't let him. Keep him on an extremely short lead.

Dont show any emotion EVER. Practise speaking in statements - v v short. Pretend you're in front of a barrister, don't add one syllable more than absolutely necessary. Less is more.

Don't respond to comms from him unless absolutely essential - if they are excessive, take out a restraining order if he doesn't respond to solicitor's directive to cease. I did. He was also instructed to come no further than my gatepost not that I had one . you need to get him off your doorstep/street permanently.

Don't respond to any apparent softening on his part - he will only be buttering you up to do you over again. Don't think 'at last we are getting to a civilised plateau' - a civilised relationship is not possible with people like this; they always, always manipulate and control.

You have much more clout on your side, his 'clout' is all puff. Convincing puff, mind, but don't be taken in. He's a sad little man, don't forget that (though don't feel sorry for him! Aim to feel nothing.)

You can do this, girl. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

Present to him an entirely unreadable blank slate. Don't insult him - too emotional and indicates something of your personality (I'd Like to say I stuck to this but I didn't always.. But I did MOST of the time)

I relate to the fear. I don't blame you - but don't ACT fearful. Too much emotion. The fear will fade with time, esp if you keep away from him. It takes a while but you get there in the end.

To that end, I would be going for supervised access. Then you will never have to see him. It would be preferable if he had no access to the kids at all - abusers abuse everyone, regardless who they are. You have evidence he is abusing them by abusing you: use that legally.

Oh, that got a bit jumbled up order-wise. Don't know what happened there, hope it makes sense.

Thank you for the advice.
I need to make some changes & practice some sort of blank expression when he collectsthe DC's & says 'It's ok, you're with daddy now'.

"It's Ok, you're with daddy now"

Jesus what a big twat.

To keep up the "Peter Perfect" façade I bet he doesn't throw these childish shapes in front of others....do you have a friend or family member who could answer the door or at least be there with you for drop off and pick up?

He won't play up like a big man child in front of them I'll bet.

I agree with the wise women. Take the "fight" to him. Consider non-mol order if need be. Definitely regularise (and if that means limit, so be it) access. How old are the children, BTW?

Don't forget, the "rights" to see somebody are that the children have the right to see their parents, not the other way around.

The DCs are 4 & 11.
My brother is coming over next weekend - no, the ex does not play up infront of others. He is the perfect gent - charming, friendly etc etc.

The 'outside world' never believes what women in abusive relationships think they do - but it often doesn't come out until they are divorced.

I'd be tempted to have my brother half hidden behind the door to listen to this daft clowns dramatic pity party then pop his head round to say hello.

I bet his facial expression would be priceless.

I'm afraid in my case - or in my abuser's case - the 'outside world' was entirely fooled by his magnificent and seamless charm. To a one. A nicer man you couldn't wish to meet.

OP. It is my belief that my ex was a sociopath. I relate entirely to the fear you feel about your ex because I felt the same about mine. I am in the curious position that ex is dead so I no longer have to be afraid of him. But when he was alive I was afraid of him. So I kept away from him so I could live my life.

I made the mistake of encouraging a relationship between him and my/our children. That has come back to bite me and if I had my chance again I would do a runner. Or shoot him and go to prison . As it was, fate did away with him for me (and the rest of the human race).

It has helped me along the way to read the entire canon on domestic abuse (lots out there these days). It also helped to read up about trauma and also cults (lots to relate to there). I've had a look at my bookshelf to find a book by a female author whose work on trauma noted that the trauma of eg vietnam vets was the same as the trauma of abused spouses but I can't find it, obvs loaned it out.

A few books on my bookshelf:

• No Visible Wounds: Identifying nonphysical abuse of women by their men by Mary Susan Miller
• Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T Behary
• Why Does He Do That? INside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft
• Read everything by Lundy Bancroft
• Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Susan Forward (I think - that one is loaned out too)

Read up about narcissism and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) if you haveb't already. Have you done the Freedom Programme?

This is some great advice springy. I'm in a similar position and just realising that he won't stop trying to abuse and control, even if he puts on a friendly front. It's all he knows how to do.
I'm going to make some notes and put them into action. It's impossible to heal when he won't let go.

Just marking my place and offering you my sympathies. My ex is very similar to this, except he's not more clever than me, not by a long chalk. But he still has the capacity to make me feel like total sh*t.

Just by way of example, he picked up DD from nursery today and brought her home (under extreme duress, bitching and moaning about how he does more than his fair share although its the first time he's done this in 10 days). Then takes it upon himself without mentioning to me that he will cook food for both of us. I had a driving lesson tonight so wasn't going to be back until 9.30pm and had told him I'd eaten earlier so quite why he thought I would want another meal with him I don't understand.

He gets back to the house with DD and kicks off and I mean screams blue murder because there aren't any onions in the house. He had bought every other component of the mean he was going to make but not the onions. When I pointed out calmly to him that I am not a mind-reader and can't be expected to know by osmosis that a) he had decided to cook a meal and b) he had forgotten to buy onions he screamed that it was my RESPONSIBIILITY AS A MOTHER to ensure there were always onions in the house....

And then used my failure to buy onions as an excuse not to talk about maintenance payments and storm off to the pub.

I am lucky that I'm financially independent enough to be able to laugh at this. If I wasn't I would be crying. I just despair.

Sorry for ranting and hogging.... but I needed to vent and hopefully it will show you you're not the only person dealing with a world class, professional tosspot.

Also that being manipulative doesn't mean you're clever...

Sorry to hog, too, but mine had a world class brain. It did make things challenging, I must say.

But I remember thinking that, for all his great intellect, he was just too clever for a human being. Quite what I mean by that it's hard to qualify, just that the intricacies of his abuse were breathtaking. As well as breathtakingly stupid at times. I remember I said to him in bewilderment 'you're not like a human being'..

Anyway, don't want to freak you out, op. I forgot to mention codependency as an avenue of research and exploration. Coming to terms with my own codependency was a big shift in the awful dynamic. It was codependency that got me hooked in (with a vice) in the first place. Don't tell me, your ex had a damaged childhood...?