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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have not had sex for 3 years

19 replies

ZombieStrategist · 23/08/2015 23:56

As the title says, I haven't had sex in 3 years. Really, almost exactly 3 years. since then my confidence has plummeted, I've stopped working out (I was very fit, exercised 5-7 days a week), and am now feeling really horrible about myself.

Also, I can't really imagine myself being confident enough ever again.

Lastly, I have a child, a very demanding professional role and training, my ex was an abusive alcoholic bastard who really knocked my confidence after DC, I've had various bereavements and I also can't imagine anyone ever 'matching up' to someone from my past (quite distant past now, really) and there is no way that's ever going to be a thing but it's very hard to not regard anyone else as a really rubbish imitation and so my genuine feelings are all still tied up elsewhere. However, I don't want to live like this forever. I am very busy and stressed out with multiple work commitments but hide behind my busy also. I also, um, miss sex. The last time, was a lovely guy who I'd been seeing for a while and then, I don't know,I just completely cut him out of my life and disappeared on him. He emailed and called and texted and I just cut him out I think at the time I really liked him but he would never be the one from my past.. but also maybe I cut him out because I liked him he was very attractive, um, skilful, and a very nice guy. (I also started avoiding my gym and classes because he knew I went there, so this probably started my no-exercise spree)

Now, looking into the next year, all I see is 'BUSY' and all I feel is 'bleurh' and I can't imagine anything changing. Then a year on, will be half a decade and ..

Will I end up running a convent? Has anyone else had this? Shall I ignore my fears of a sexless future and just get on with my professional commitments? Is the ongoing failure to 'get over' someone from the past going to screw up my life at this rate? will I always feel hideous? arrh
thanks (NC'd)

OP posts:

WallyBantersJunkBox · 24/08/2015 00:24

Is it sex you want, or a relationship and sex?

ZombieSolutions · 24/08/2015 00:42

My name change went wrong sorry! OP here
I guess, I think I want a relationship and sex but I think I feel like I

a. have nothing to give to a relationship because I am going through a particularly gruellingly awful professional thing, don't want to write too much, but it's ridiculous and the hours are insane and I already feel like any time I do have, I need to spend with DC not someone else.

b. most people are not as busy as (a) and most guys expect me to be free and to see them and be normal and I don't feel I can be, for a good few years really due to a.

c. I also feel emotionally I have very little to give, I think I've been through rather a lot of things in the past and I suppose I'm quite closed down on that front

but

d. I would like a relationship. I think the guy I was seeing, was much more just sex, and maybe one of the reasons I wrecked it was because I thought I'd get hurt.

So, I feel a bit stuck really. But I can't see a way of being un-stuck, ever, unless I just wait for some amazing person to appear a few years down the line when I feel I have some emotional reserve to be in a relationship, but they'd have to be completely tolerant of my work pattern, completely non clingy, very busy themselves, and even then, they probably wouldn't match up to Mr Past which has been very difficult to move on from (not abusive ex, someone else). I also am now very intolerant of all the nonsense that comes with dating and so on, so I don't give anyone a chance.
Head:desk

ZombieSolutions · 24/08/2015 00:53

I guess the confidence thing, I could address by starting to do a few of the things I used to do and just feel overall better about my body

But that's not the real issue, of course, which is I can't really imagine ever being 'normal' about this stuff, can't imagine myself in a relationship ever again and feel a bit of a freak for it. Not so much right now, but I guess because I don't see it ending. I also don't have the opportunity to go out etc much at all because of DC (in the evenings) so I've isolated myself socially somewhat. And yeah, I just see things getting harder really, and me getting more and more intolerant of other people

I should maybe say, I had a difficult past as I regrettably had a relationship with someone in a position of trust when I was 15/16. I then went off the rails a bit for a few years in that department and other departments - slept with various people I shouldn't have including in a job I was in, and think I did so because I was trying to erase past/ feel something other than numb/ I don't know. But yeah, I don't want the alternative to be celibacy forever.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 24/08/2015 01:05

Sorry, I had to laugh at the convent comment. If so I'll join you, been longer than 3 years for me but I'm fine with that and I sure don't do anything casual!

Yes, you should get over your fear of a 'sexless' future. Enjoy your life and look forward to a relationship. The rest obviously follows that!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 24/08/2015 01:07

Also, I don't think your lack of confidence should be based on lack of sex. Surely it would end up the other way round?

As it stands, I have little hope of having a relationship and getting married so I deal with it. It helps that I like being me, even if I also hate me, if that makes any sense whatsoever!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 24/08/2015 01:15

I should add, that it's the 24th August and I'm sat here listening to Christmas carols (no, I'm not sure how that happened either and no I don't drink!) so you may want to ignore me

ZombieSolutions · 24/08/2015 01:26

It does make sense, yes. I am at least assured that what I'm doing in other domains is the right thing (ish) (kind of) and I am driven etc and I suppose confidence has come from that side of my life, not from sex, since 3 years ago anyway. But also, yes the lack of confidence in that department propagates an avoidance of that sort of thing..
I guess peers etc are all in quite overt relationships and I'm surrounded by this 'normal' way of being, and feel completely disconnected from it and like I cannot imagine fixing it.

I also watched a one direction video for the first time the other day. Then some more on youtube no Im not perving at Harry Styles I'll try Christmas carols soon.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 24/08/2015 01:30

One Direction?! that makes my carols much more acceptable

I understand. All my friends are married or in long term relationships. Some have been divorced and have remarried. Some when they've been single sleep around. I don't fit anywhere!

ZombieSolutions · 24/08/2015 01:53

This is both reassuring and not at all reassuring

catsrus · 24/08/2015 02:32

5 yrs here - and when I weigh up the pluses and minuets of a relationship - at this point in my life I'm happy to be where I am. I was married for 24yrs, our sex life was great. I wouldn't swap my freedom now for the great sex life of then.

Sex is just a physical need - like food. And like food you can "eat" alone (!)

What are you actually missing? You can have great relationships that don't involve sex, and sex that doesn't involve a relationship.

catsrus · 24/08/2015 02:33

Minuses not minuets - thought that sounds interesting

MARTIN1 · 24/08/2015 02:45

3 years! is that all? you lucky devil. You should walk a mile in my shoes

Baconyum · 24/08/2015 02:53

I did 9 years without, making up for it now though

Would a fwb situation be more what you're looking for? That's my current situation and suits me fine, we're friends, we have sex, its enjoyable, suits us both.

I think I would like a relationship in the future but not just now.

As for confidence etc, remember men have these issues too. I'm over 40, overweight, slightly greying but I don't let it stop me. I make an effort with my looks and confidence and concentrate on enjoying myself. Perhaps start by taking up a hobby you enjoy? Not to meet someone but just to get to know yourself again?

ZombieSolutions · 24/08/2015 03:09

Hmm. Thanks for replies it's helpful for me to have ranted (sorry!) as helps me identify what the issues are by writing it out etc, and maybe make me realise 3 years isn't some kind of massively weird thing that's not recoverable.

I feel like I don't have time for a hobby I do a ton of things work-y-related but different things. I tend to take on more work related projects as my hobbies. I guess I do miss my time out when I used to do various dance classes or yoga etc, as I just can't do it now with childcare calamities. Maybe I should work out how to get back to doing some of it, as I have backache etc so it might help all round.

I think I don't really have the time/energy to put in to a relationship, but at the back of my mind I think I would find the time if it were really the right thing. I guess I just actually miss sex, not the rest of relationship-y stuff.. I'd be wary of fwb thing if it upset me, but if I could get past that, get past some irrational hangups and get past the whole comparing everyone ever to someone from past and being completely arm's length when they will never match up habit, it would be fine!

I really thought people would be like, what is wrong with you when I posted the above, so, thank you for taking time to share

Baconyum · 24/08/2015 04:07

No! Nothing wrong with you. I think a lot of single mum's who let's face it are usually the ones left doing it all, struggle to find the time, motivation and confidence to get back to dating/having sex. I was 20 when I met my ex and dd's dad, a size 6, no stretch marks, no cs and other surgery scars, no emotional scars of course it was easier then!! At 31 when we split and I was a size 16, plus scars, plus juggling dd, uni, a messy divorce... The thought of a relationship or even just sex would have made me far too nervous. It takes time to recover from a relationship breakdown, even more so if there's other factors rather than just 'growing apart'. Give yourself a break.

Myturnnow4 · 24/08/2015 08:16

I wondered if your "problem" is this Busy thing. Perhaps you don't need to work so hard on your career now and actually what your life needs is non-work related things?

tunnockt3acake · 25/08/2015 22:59

if you want something badly enough you would put time & energy into it...

Wando · 26/08/2015 07:13

At some stage if sex ( and a relationship) is that important you will either find time or it may be that you'll wander into it unaware! Good luck

Hissy · 26/08/2015 07:43

I think putting yourself back at the top of your list would go a long way to healing the frightened and abused you.

Abuse doesn't just go away, you have to make it go always, you have to do therapy and talk through your feelings to get rid of the bad stuff. Right now all the issues created bully your ex are only buried, but they are still there.

Spend this time now healing yourself, get therapy and read books on living post abuse. Keep posting here. There is a thread for those in/out of abusive relationships, it's enormously helpful to be with others that understand you.

THEN try dating again, accept that it'll be hard, you'll want to run and hide potentially in the beginning. But eventually you will trust your own instincts enough to relax and see what happens.

You can control what happens in your life, you just need to learn to believe this.

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