Should i end relationship with my mum?

[ImNew23]

hi, right bit of a long story, I got pregnant at 17 moved out of my parents and got a place with my partner and then went on to have a 2nd child im now 23, my dad was really horrible and abusive throughout my life and really abusive and manipulative towards my mum basically controlling her and shes really scared of him but she wont leave him. Once I moved out my dad basically didn't want to be a part of mine or my childrens life which im happy about because he is a bully, anyway since I moved out my mum has barely bothered with me she saw me about twice a year if we bumped into eachother at a relatives house but she always stayed in contact over the phone, I was living at the other side of the city to her about a hour away an she doesn't drive and said it was really difficult for her to find time away from my dad to visit me and I couldn't visit her because my dad didn't want me at the house. Anyway I found out that she goes out drinking every weekend with her friends and I mean EVERY weekend which my brothers and herself has confirmed and stays out all and she also goes to visit her friends almost every night for a cuppa and a chat, fair enough I lived far away but it upset me as I was isolated in a area on my own with no friends or family any my partner works full time and I suffered badly with PND with my 2nd child which I told my mum about as we were speaking regulary over the phone, but she never saw me on my birthday or my childrens birthdays even though she was invited but she managed to get herself to family members birthday partys??? So anyway last year I had to move out of my house because landlord was selling and my mum went on how I should move to the same area as her, she said she could see me more and I have other family in the area cousins, aunties and my nan so I found a house 15 mins away from her house an moved there, when I first moved in she came round a few times but it got less and less and she last cam round on Christmas eve last year and my kids haven't seen her since. Her mum ( my nan) passed away suddenly in march and my mum was devastated she took it badly and I done my best to support her I constantly offered my help I offered to visit her ect and basically I haven't saw her since my nans funeral in march and all the while she has been out drinking EVERY weekend, going to her friends and my aunties regulary and hasn't bothered with me except for over the phone. Iv always resented her for treating me like that shes never helped me with childcare when iv been extremely ill in hospital, she never helped me when my eldest child was rushed to hospital in an ambulance and his dad went with him and I was stuck at home worried sick looking after my youngest child as I couldn't take her with us it was 1 in the morning, iv never told her how I felt because I was scared of hurting her feelings but the final straw was when I saw her and my dad when out and my children were shouting her and she pretended not to see us and rushed off, so I text her and told her finally how I felt and that she has no relationship with me or her grandkids which she blames my dad for but she manages to maintain a good relationship with her friends and doesn't go a week without seeing them but she goes months and months without seeing us, her response was its all my dads fault and she barely gets a chance to get out and I said I know that's not true and shes basically accepting no responsibility that she could of done more also she had a 50th birthday party last year at my nans house and she never invited me and my dad wasn't even there so that isn't the reason why, its so strange its like she doesn't love or care about me but she used to call and text me regulary and would say how she missed me and loves me??? so anyway iv been ignoring her texts and calls for a few days and shes saying shes devastated over this falling out with me but when I told her things need to change she basically said things aren't gonna change. so just looking for advice really because she keeps texting me saying she wants to sort this out theres basically no proper relationship with her to sort out, I love her obviously but the situation is bizzare.

I would send one more text saying you would be happy to see her when she is prepared to make the effort to see you regularly, but that you don't want your kids confused about someone popping into their life every so often and then disappearing again. I'm surprised given your description of your dad that he doesn't try to stop her going out with her friends. That type of man usually does.

I know I think its strange that he allows her out as he is extremely controlling and it makes me wonder if perhaps she has told him lies that she is coming to see me, theres no way to know for sure but its strange that she avoided me and my kids when she was out with my dad, because my dad wouldn't of minded her stopping and saying hello he hasn't got an actual problem with me he just doesn't bother with me, iv saw him a few times when the kids were younger he had invited us round a few times for tea but then my mum said he didn't want us to come round anymore and I said why and she said 'oh you know what your dads like hes a moaner and strange' which he is like but seems like my mum is just as strange. But yes I guess I will have to send one final text.

I can relate to this and I'm sorry to say your m has sacrificed her relationship with you to keep her h sweet. Stop making any further effort with her as you're throwing good love after bad. It's heartbreaking for you I know only too well but you have to accept she's effectively dumped you and I'm sure it's all bound up in the guilt of not protecting you (and herself) from your abusive d. Focus on your precious dc and don't repeat the cycle with them.

horrible-abusive-manipulative-controlling bully= your description of the father you escaped by getting pregnant at 17. i don't understand the dynamics at work here -but the power was and is your father. He allows your mother to go out and get drunk with friends. That makes her easier for him to control. She did not answer your children calling to her because she was with him and she is scared of him- your words. She is devastated by the loss of her mother=not a good time for you to cut her off. Let her set the pace and respond when she does. Protect yourself and your children but do not cut off your mother. Hopefully he will die before her and she will be able to be the mother you need her to be.

Let her set the pace?? dont be mad!

She's already set the pace and it's zero.

Love, your mother is addicted to your dad and he comes first. You come waaaay down the line (as you have seen).

Yes, I would cut her off. Give her updates now and again - maybe every 3 months - so she is not totally bereft. But she has made her choice with your dad (revolting man) and she can't have both.

Get some info about abusive relationships (through eg Womens Aid), tell her about the Freedom Programme. Then it's her choice. She may well choose him, I'm sorry to say.

So painful

btw use paragraphs in your posts - it's too hard to read in a big block of text (you'll get more responses if you do)

Sorry to hear this OP, it must be very painful.

I think whereas up to now you have seen your mum as the victim of your dad, you are now realising she has chosen to put his needs above those of you (and your siblings?)

The going out drinking with friends thing is very odd if he is controlling her within the home.

You are quite right to feel hurt and angry that she is letting you and your DC down. I also wonder if now that you have DC, you have realised that you would never treat them, or allow them to be treated, the way you were as a child? It can be a watershed moment for many people from abusive homes.

no the mum does not set the pace. The controlling father does. Sorry for all the pain you are suffering op. Step back, expect nothing and if circumstances change you and your mum may be able to build a better relationship in the future.

I feel for you. You dad is a disgrace and I think you've just got to let your mum reach out to you as and when she does this.